Panda Army

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Since the dawn of man, pandas from across the globosphere have been plotting the human race's defeat. The panda army, lead by Teddy Ruxpin and containing 30 000 000 pandas, 100 000 polar bears, 20 000 Baboon mercenaries, and approximatly 1,045,000,345,378 coconuts. The panda army(a.k.a the PA) has been in training in the deserted land of Pie, a large island off the coast of the artic. They have adapted their own religon from the infamous Monkeyism. A Religon whose soudl belief is for the reign of the banana. And converted it into Pandaism. Many Political leaders such as George W. Bush, believe that Pandaism is the true reason behind the PA. Its leader is Pannan Padda, a strong military and economic leader who has close ties with countries like Greenland, Poland, and Canada.

Panda Army History[edit]

Formed in 1946 as a counter measure for WW3, created by Padan DaDa, Formed Alliance with animal country super powers like the BA(Baboon Army) and F.C.(Flamingo Confederation).

  • The F.C Collapsed in 1953 due to rebels, and soon become what is nowadays known as Cuba
  • The Baboon Army is still around to this day, not as strong as it once was, but currently occupies the regions of mongolia.

By 1963 it was the strongest power on the face of the earth, the US Government decided to hide this from the public, and that is why hippies were formed, as a distraction from the truth. At 1999 the PA had a conference with its allies, the Baboon Army and decided to make a treaty, the treaty of Pooptarts, a treaty declaring that A) Any country who set foot on allied soil would have war declared on them, B) Cheese would become the national food, and C) War prepearton was to be prompt. On September 1st 2004, the BA and PA form an alliance called the Axis of Cheese, also known as AofC. And lastly, on the droopy day of August 9th 2006, The AofC declares war on the following countries:

Iceland, Poland, Sweden, Canada, Portugal, Italy, Brazil, Russia, China, Japan, U.S, Britain, and Australia.[1]

War Time[edit]

In the words of Tom Cruise;

The time has finally arrived, where man must face there greatest challenge, Clowns.

Jim Carrey, who was proclaimed leader of the defense of the human race decided to spilt the force into two, alpha and delta; half would take the pandas(Alpha), and half would take the Baboons(Delta). Within the first month of the assault, the effort of the delta squad defeated the Baboons, with almost complete loss of troops. The Baboons lost 309 000 troops, and delta lost 567 000 troops. It was a success, but the war was not over, the hardest part was being battled in the arctic. Alpha force and delta force met up along the northern tip of Canada and Greenland. Using naval ships, they embarked on an attack against the field of Padna, a strong defense point for the pandas. The assault started on October 29th 2006, and ended at an alarming date of October 7th 2007. The humans lost 1, 900, 000 troops, and the pandas lost 700 000 troops. The battle was not a success, and the pandas defended the base. This put Jim Carrey on alert, a full blown Blitzkrieg was planned for March 5th 2008, it would contain 28, 000, 000 human troops, and assault the capital of the pandas, Paannaa, a well fortified castle. The battle raged for months, but on the date of July 14th 2008, the capital had fallen, 10 000 000 humans roughly were defeated, and an estimated 34 000 000 pandas had been defeated. The base was taken, and the panda dictator, Pan Pan da, had been defeated, cuddled, and then executed.


Pandaism is a lot like nowaday religons, its sole belief is that there is one God, the Coconut named Coco, this God had made 3 rules, or guidlines that all pandas must follow.

  1. Be Cute
  2. Be Lethal
  3. Be Gone

A lot of people believe that these rules show that pandas originally where supposed to be lethal ninjas. Pandaism had been formed roughly around 1500 B.C, and the so called 'panda ninja reign' lasted until 50AD, roughly around the time most pandas got fat and lazy. fake scientists have uncovered interesting artifacts, supposedly the Pandaism had a shrine, the Panka, it was destroyed in 260AD due to unknown causes.

There are many religons with similar beliefs, monkeyism, which believes in the all mighty banana, banan. Chipmunkism, which believes that the acorn is the only true food, all else must be destroyed. And batism, stating that the bat god, Battatta, says that sleeping upside down is hip and cool so you should do it too. All animal religons seems weird, but then again, our religons seem weird to them.

The Second Age[edit]

The Second Age of the Panda Empire (PA) was brought about in the year 2007. The great ruler, Pannan Padda, was brought down by the evil dictator Gwin The Magical Panda. Thus creating a new age. Gwin's first order of business was to be rid of all baboons employed by the army. When asked why, Gwin replied by biting off the reporters head, which he now uses as a necklace when being worshiped. He then replaced these troops with approximately 30 000 000 000 000 bottles of bubble soap. His reasoning? None whatsoever. He then brought about the new religion, Gwinicsm. He refuses to not have under forty hours of worship each day, which repeatedly results in many of the army being slaughtered for not being physically able to fullfill this demand. It is reported that no one in the army actually is left anymore, except for the Bubble Soap Bottle Battalion. This has been proven false, however, by the fact that he was seen on a conquest of the lower arctic shelf with an enormous army of Grues and Furbies. A census of the army revealed that after the vicious slaughter off all those too mortal to worship for forty hours of the day, Gwin replinished his army with Grues and Furbies, which are commonly known to be able to break the law of the time-space continuim. They are not only able to complete their daily worship, but are also able to slaughter a total of 50 000 people a day.

Future Plans[edit]

Gwin, being tasked with the great destiny of fullfilling the Panda Army's greatest wish, has begun his global conquest. He is currently holding within his grasp China (secretly of course! We wouldn't want to have the Olympics ruined by such trifle news as a new overlord, would we?), New Zealand, and parts of Europe known only to those with the ability to see Hogwarts. It is rumored that he has struck a deal with the U.S., but George W. Bush, our ever loving and God-sent President, replied with the statement "But, do I still get to blow things up? I mean, I want them to go BLAHOOOBLAHOOMAMAMAMA! All over the place! That's what I love about being president! HAHAHAHAHA!" Just after this interview, the president was quickly escorted to his room, his secret service agent saying "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to give you so much! Next time, we stick to the needle my good buddy!" Gwin has set down plans that have been leaked through sources no longer alive that state that his small cult following in Tennessee will be called upon soon for help in his quest for global domination. When asked what he would do with them, he just turned, and the right hand man of the operation, Mr. Skweaker, replied with a "Fuck you, you stupid Fucker! Ask that again, and i'll fucking rip your fucking throat out!" The reporter then, being from Fox and all, asked one more time. The man was never seen again.


  1. I'm too lazy to hyperlink them all so look them up yourself you lazy butt.