Oscar Calme

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Oscar Calme, here pictured contemplating the deeper meaning of skewed moustaches.


~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Calme

Oscar Calme would probably be entirely unknown to the world, were it not for his peculiar resemblance to a number of celebrities, among which the celebrated intellectualist, Oscar Wilde. Throughout his life, Calme has achieved absolutely nothing of note, ranging from such unimpressive acts as taking a bite from a potato to becoming world champion in the distinctly unpopular game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Historians and biographers have unanimously reported that Oscar Calme is, in fact, one of the dullest and most uninteresting people in the history of everything, and, after publishing said reports, all of them unequivocally suffered an aneurysm.

Origins and Early Life[edit]

Pretty much the only interesting facts about Oscar Calme's life are those concerning his origins. Concurrently, it is also one of the most heavily-debated facts about his life. The controversy is inherently spawned by Calme's uncanny resemblance to several famous persons. As such, there are various theories.

The first explanation given is the simplest one. It states that Oscar Calme is the long-lost twin brother of the well-known supermodel Oscar Wilde. Their entirely different skill sets and personalities were in fact generated by a genetic engineering project to create a superhuman. Wilde was the intended result, while Calme also emerged as an unfortunate byproduct. Their later reunion and quest to find their mother was eventually fictionalized in the film Twins, starring Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The second explanation for Calme's existence is that he is an illicitly-produced clone of famous socialite Oscar Wilde, that, due to lab employees using the cloning tank for skinny dipping, was infected with inferior DNA. The infection mostly caused deteriorated mental functions and decomposition of the unique babyface-gene, resulting in grotesque facial hair growth.

The third and most widely disputed claim regarding Calme's heritage is that he is in fact none other than Racso Edliw, the Mirror Universe counterpart of critically-acclaimed space astronaut Oscar Wilde. This frankly outlandish claim is one of the most rapidly dismissed, primarily because science has proven that it is impossible for any being to leave or enter the Mirror Universe.

Regardless these various explanations for where Calme came from, as well as his highly peculiar connection to such a large number of international celebrities, we can safely assume that Calme's early life was one that was entirely unremarkable and not worth noting.

Artistic Career[edit]

"Bust", a self-portrait by Oscar Calme.

Calme's childhood dream was always to become a sculptor. From the age of 5, he has attempted to garner international fame with his varied repertoire of work, such as statues, figurines, busts, sculptures, and many other works. Unfortunately for Calme, however, the orphanage which he grew up in did not allow for such frivolities. Every time little Oscar would try to sculpt, he would get slapped on the fingers by a nun. Apart from the broken fingers, the hereby-suffered emotional scarring resulted in Calme's artistic career ending prematurely and before the peak of his ability, resulting in both a small and rather unimpressive body of work.

Notable Achievements[edit]



  • Tying his shoes
  • Breathing through his nose
  • Sodomy
  • Watching TV
People named Oscar
Oscar WildeOscar MayerOscar the GrouchOskar SchindlerOscars (Academy Awards)