Skinny dipping is the age-old sport of throwing the likes of Victoria Beckham into a swimming pool or into a cup of hot chocolate
Approximately 3.8 billion years ago, the first form of life evolved. While the details are still a mystery, most scientists believe this life lived in water, and that it did not wear a swimsuit, hence making it the very first skinny-dipper. For eons, life lived exclusively under water; skinny-dipping popularity was at an all-time high. Then, according to Wikipedia's article on geological time scales, plants and fungi first appeared on land during the Ordovician era, making them the first organisms not to skinny-dip (although they were still naked.) About 400 billion years or so later, human beings invented clothing, making them the first creatures to enter the water while not skinny-dipping.
Reasons to Skinny-dip
There are several reasons to skinny-dip:
- 1. Human Pollution: By crowding our rivers, lakes, streams, and oceans with human pollution, we'd be crowding out other types of pollution, such as water.
- 2. Modest Living: There are children in Africa who are starving, and you have the gall to buy "special clothes" for going in the water?
- 3. Conflicted Viewpoints: Though God hates nudity, swimming naked is in the Bible. They call it social bathing.
- 4. Or Maybe: God loves nudity. He didn't tell Adam he was naked... but Eve wanted to know what "skinny-dipping" was.
- 5. Delusion: You're FAT and you think skinny-dipping will make you thinner.
Reasons against Skinny-dipping
There are also reasons not to skinny-dip:
- 1. It Aids Terrorists: Terrorists hate freedom, so they are natural enemies of skinny-dippers.
- 2. Hiking Nuns: To get to a natural location where skinny dipping can take place, one often has to hike. Nuns hate nudity. Therefore hiking nuns are also natural enemies of skinny-dippers.
- 3. Skinny-dipping Isn't Natural:
“If we were meant to be naked, we would've been born that way.”
- 4. It's a Sin: The hiking nuns and the terrorists can explain this one better than I can.
- 5. Skinny-dipping Hurts Capitalism: The fashion industry is a multi-billion-dollar-a-year industry. The swimsuit industry is a significant fraction of this industry. If skinny-dipping were to become the norm, the swimsuit industry would shrivel like a pair of a skinny-dipper's nuts, and this would hurt America because America depends on people buying lots of things, no matter how unimportant they may be.
- 6. Skinny-dipping Encourages Slavery: The swimsuit industry, now no longer being able to market what people wear, would be forced to market people, and that's bad :(.
- 7. Swimsuits Feel Good: Don't you love that drag of a swimsuit pulling you back as you're swimming? It's like Big Brother pulling you back, saying in a soft, gentle tone, "Hey, slow down, you don't need to swim that fast."
And don't you just love the feeling of a cold, damp swimsuit as you exit the water and the cold, damp spots you leave on the seat of the car? Don't you love how that feeling lasts for hours, especially if you forgot to bring a proper swimsuit and had to swim in jean shorts? If you have swum nude, you'd be dry within twenty minutes, but if you have swum in jean shorts, you'd get to feel that wet-shorts high that lasts for days.
- 8. If Everyone Skinny-dipped, There'd Be No Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition: This should be self-explanatory.
- Broken pieces of glass
- Rope swing: Because nothing says "skinny-dipping" more than "I'm flying through the air omg what's that blue stuff below me rising fast SPLASH".
What To Do If You Get Caught
In the event of getting caught, what you do will no doubt depend on whether the other person gives a crap. If they do not give a crap, you should be fine, although to be on the safe side you might want to peruse the following list and act accordingly even if they don't give a crap.
If you are caught by a person who gives a crap about skinny-dipping, you should do the following:
- 1. Panic. (Here is an article about panicking in case you've forgotten how to.)
- 2. Act guilty.
- 3. Make up an excuse:
"My clothes had these really big holes in them, and I guess I fell out."
For fat people: "I'm not skinny-dipping."
"I've lost my clothes." Wait for the other person to point out the painfully obvious location of clothes. "Oh, there they are! Thank you so much for helping me."
- 4. Act drunk.
- 5. Go streaking.
If the above list is inadequate for the situation, here are some more things to try:
- 6. Conduct a civilized debate with them on the pro's and con's of skinny-dipping, and explain to them how the pro's outweighed the con's in this situation, or how you were violating the letter of the law but not the spirit of the law. This works especially well against police officers.
- 7. Argue about how it's unfair to clothe people but no dogs. Also works well with police officers.
- 8. Quickly spluge(bust-a-nut), the situation will suddenly be out of hand and the person accusing you of skinny dipping will probably leave. Not so great against the police, they would probably arrest you, then leave.