Next-Gen Console War
“Every guy has a Wii, if they know where to look for it...”
“So, when's the SNES coming out?”
There's three sides in this war: Sony, Nintendo and Microsoft. Their consoles are, respectively, Playstation 3, Playstation 2, Wii and Xbox 360. They're all fighting to see which is the best console (i.e. which sells more).
When companies say "next-gen" they mean that the consoles are now able to handle the same level of top-end gaming as a PC could two years ago.
Sides[edit]
Microsoft[edit]
A giant enterprise created by the evil Bill Gates. Their products all suck, but Microsoft is so big and powerful that it overshadows the good products by other companies, so thick, deluded, sexually inadequate, people buy Microsoft's stuff thinking it's the best stuff there is. They rushed out the XBox 360 in 2005, and, being the only next-gen console to be released at the time, it sold quite well... only to break instanly when people installed it, as it usually happens with any product by Microsoft (*cough* Windows *cough*).
Xbox 360[edit]
Somehow second best-selling console at the moment. Because it's good? No, because it's Microsoft's. The console is only famous for its constant 100% hardware failure, the "three lights of death". Considering there's FOUR warning lights on the console, you'd think the worst the problem, the more lights would turn on, but no. The worst problem of them all is announced by three lights, because the fourth does not work. That's Microsoft for you. The console barely works half the time from many hardware breakdowns, and considering all the games on it have PC versions is even worse. The console is white and square, just like a million other electronics. Each 360 comes with 2 free games: Red Ring of Death and Overheating. Once the person turns the 360 on, RROD will activate in 10 seconds, causing a RROD. Overheating is Microsoft's solution of mixing a frying pan and shit gaming console. To play Overheating, leave the 360 on for 5 seconds. The surface will get over 100 degrees. use the game effectively if you want to fry an egg on your 360. Guessing M$ sat down and said; "How do we make a cooking simulation fun? I know; make it real!". The games available are insignificant, being inferior to the games available on the other consoles, such as the PS3, Wii and Atari 2600.
Sony[edit]
A japanese company, creator of the console with the longest longevity of them all, the Playstation 2 (insert epic music here). But that's no surprise, they're fucking Japanese. Their talent at inventing stuff is proportional to the size of their genitals. Sony does loads of stuff. TVs, home theaters, cameras, you name it.
Playstation 3[edit]
Sony's console is said to be the most powerful next-gen console. Unfortunatly they forgot to tell the game programers how to make games for it so PS3 owners have had to make do with re-runs of classic Sega Saturn titles such as Bono in Bonersville and Oh dear I've just wasted excessive amounts of money on a crap console. The cost? Well its quite large, round it to the nearest thousand and it will come to $499,000 BUT its worth it, eh? No not in this economic climate, not ever. Oh and you have earned a platinum trophy: Wasting your money on a stupid PS3 slim.
Playstation 2[edit]
A shrouded mystery on how did the PS2 managed to stay alive even after big sales. Even though it's motherload of sales outsold the Wii, it fails to beat it off because it is NOT the Seventh-gen gconsole, but more like a six-and-a-half gen console.
Nintendo[edit]
They are - guess what - japanese. The creators of the almighty and godlike Nintendo 64, considered one of the best consoles ever(cause the PS was not out yet and the sega saturn could not afford commercials) until some jerk made a game called "Superman 64" using MSPaint and released it.
Wii[edit]
It's not as powerful as the PS3, but level pegging with the 360. Though, the design is stylish, square and small (looks much better than the other console aesthetically). This is the best-selling console of this generation so far. Why? Because it has a REMOTE CONTROL! YES this new amazing way of controlling games, may be the new platform for first person shooters (if Nintendo release some hardcore games for the Wii). THE DOWNSIDE: The controller is all it has, otherwise you've got yourself another Gamecube. Hit games are yet to be released for the Wii, all the great games come to the other two consoles, so you've got a controller but nothing worth controlling. Be careful when purchasing this, this console would never have sold as many if it were dearer, just that moms who are on a budget have to save money, or excess flab.
The War So Far[edit]
Ranking according to sales:
FIRST PLACE: MYD1CK! ( no ones quite sure how they could make somthing THAT small)
SECOND PLACE: Wii
THIRD PLACE: Xbox 360
LAST PLACE: PlayStation 3
Please note that console wars do not end, in fact the Nintendo 64 (N64 FTW!!!) and Playstation are still battling, so these rankings are subject to change... till the end of mankind or summink.
The War So Far(fun)[edit]
However, Sales does not mean people actually like the system. It means they were tricked into buying it. We revived the wright brithers asked them to fly a plane around the world sking people and here are the results via the people actually liking what the buy.
Ranking according to fun (that is, according to the number of no-lifers who haz each console):
FIRST PLACE: Wii
SECOND PLACE: 360
THIRD PLACE: PS2
LAST PLACE: PS3
Timeline[edit]
- XBox 360 is released in 2005. Being the only next-gen console until late 2007, people had no other choice but to buy it.
- The three lights of death become the main cause for suicide between geeks in the USA. So Bill made two other versions of the Xbox:"pro" and "eL33T" They were still shit.
- Bill Gates is possessed by Mother Theresa and says he'll extend the console's insurance for three years due to its famously high failure rate and that he would pay the necessary expenses. Upon returning to his original self, Gates' reaction to this was "I FUCKING DID WHAT?!!".
- The Wii is released at a relatively cheap price. Reggie immediatly seen FALCUN PAUNCHing the Xbox 360's sales numbers. However people are scared to play it in fear that they may become homo and play with their wii.
- The Playstation 3 is released. People buy it. Then they go to the videogame store and dropped to their knees in joy realising there is more to games than poxy shooters. they later drop to their knees in front of their bank manager after realising they've bankrupted themselves buying the console, list price? $499,000
- The people holding out on playing the Wii succumb, become homos.
- Due to having been the only next-gen console for about two years, XBox 360 has the most peculiar online community, full of lifeless halo nerds who commingle about the essence of the master chief whilst drinking large amounts of Mountain Dew Game-fuel, and pining for the girls who will never be theirs. These Halo nerds (HaloHeads) are also charged absurd rates for their online gameplay, which mostly consists of them bragging about how they will snipe you and their leetness. Playstation 3 has about six million people+ on their online community, and their dedicated lag free servers services are free. There's a bunch of people driving go karts at ridiculous speeds and playing MoH at Nintendo's WiFi.
- The poor sales of the Playstation 3 become the main reason for banging-head-on-desk-surface between Sony employees.Suicides ranged and almost caused a holocaust.
- Bill Gates pockets another twenty zillions or so.
- All Nintendo employees become catholic, so they can pray that Sony and Microsoft don't realize all they need to do to sink Wii is to copy the motion sensor remote control idea(Which makes microsoft add some wireless attachments.), and for them to sink the other consoles they need to include some decent hardware in the Wii. Then Microsoft makes a voice earphone where you can actually TALK to people around the earth and the wii people say: "We must make more little kid games for our system." The Sesame Street then sued Nintendo for having more games featuring little boys than them.
- Though the PlayStation 2 became the best selling console, it did not participated in the console war, because in order to outmatch the Wii, it'll have to become as the "PlayStation 2.5" instead. And the fact that People realize the PlayStation 2 Has a online mode to.
- The PS2 is almost 14-friggin'-years-old and IT'S STILL NOT COMPLETELY DEAD YET! Many fans still pick up the PS2 (at the small fraction of the price), but it still won't outmatch the Wii. Many fans are not only confused, but also short-tempered because they demand Sony to let the PS2 take the upper hand in the Next-Gen Console War.
- Not only did the PS2 have more games, but many of them are completely odd. Almost all new games had no online compatibilities whatsoever. All the kids games are weird and bland, (few) kids love them, but adults doesn't waste time buying useless games with their cold hard cash. Many PS2 fans demands to know why all PS2 games contains little to no online feature. This means no way of communicating with other players, and this disappoints everyone, including Sony (and you).