Movement Of Zen
Movement of Zen (MoZ) began as a collection of hippies, musicians, and Commies with similar world views, who incorporated in 1968 and named their organization “Sex, Drugs, and Rock’n’Roll, Inc”. Membership roles swelled as rebellious youth across the U.S. realized the benefits of getting stoned as a tax write off. Many retired [beatniks assembled into communes and wrote manifestos berating “The Man”. On the east coast, in Greenwich Village, counterculture types, mostly dirty, smelly, poorly-dressed middle class youths, attended SDRR, Inc events at the cool coffee houses. Because of a garbage haulers strike, no one noticed the effect of so many stinky bodies assembled in one large city like NYC. The strike was broken by hippie mobsters (not SDRR, Inc), and garbage men who hadn’t had their heads beaten, went back to work. When tourism dropped sharply due to the stench of hippies, local government passed laws banning SDRR, Inc members from meeting anywhere away from public toilets , the only places in NYC that stink worse than hippies.
SDRR’s board of directors was chaired by many prominent religious figures starting with Reverend Jim Jones (1969), who died and was succeeded by Mary Baker Eddy (1970-1973), Brigham Jung (1973), Carlos Santana (1973), and Ravi Shankar (1973-1978). Shankar developed a cocaine habit and became increasingly paranoid, particularly about the Internal Revenue Service. Riding the subway for 3 days straight in an attempt to get right with God, he had a revelation that would start a dark period for the faithful. Construction began in January, 1974 on what would become the 87th largest navy in the world, each ship made to divinely inspired specifications. In six months, the Zee Oorg, as the ocean-going arm of SDRR, Inc is known, cast off from a secret base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba on it’s mission to pay no taxes.
On tour with “The Monkees” in 1975, Shankar met composer Phillip Glass in Montreaux, Switzerland during an impromptu jam session with Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention. Glass, frequently described as a minimalist composer, was immediately attracted to SDRR’s status as a tax shelter, and signed on as a “deck swabbie” on Shankar’s flagship destroyer, the “22 Note Microtonal Scale”. Between calls by the captain of, “Yarr, bring me the cabin boy and a bucket of lard!”, Glass paid no taxes, learned meditation doggy-style, and invented Minimalist music. He quickly moved up to the rank of Git Third class when an argument with Shankar over the reiteration of musical phrases or smaller units such as figures, motifs, and cells, with subtle, gradual, and/or infrequent variation . Court-martialed and stranded in Micronesia, Glass worked a series of tramp dinghys, making his way to San Francisco.
With nothing left to his name but money saved from dodging taxes, he hitchhiked back to New York and started avoiding taxes and passing bongs with SDRR, Inc members again. To pass the time he invented emphasis on consonant harmony, if not functional tonality and stasis, often in the form of drones, pulses, and/or long tones. This enabled him to compose completely featureless music, about which no one cares. He met and studied Buddhism under Tenzin S’Thatso?, the 14th Woolie Lama of Tibet, in 1976, a turning point in Glass’ life. Attaining enlightenment, he began to synthesize his SDRR training, minimalist concepts, and that feeling of bliss you get when moving your bowels (especially after a bout of constipation) into a philosophy and an association of like-minded cretins.
Movement Of Zen Is Born
Philip Glass founded the Movement of Zen in a public restroom in New York’s Central Park during a particularly satisfying bowel movement. The main idea behind MoZ is to meditate while going potty, saving time wasted at Zazen, or sitting meditation, thereby maximizing efficiency, thereby becoming minimally inefficient, realizing this isn’t making sense and there’s no understanding it, smoking enough marijuana to be stoned enough to think you understand it, quitting Sex, Drugs and Rock’n’Roll Inc in order to “stay off the radar”, becoming increasingly paranoid about the IRS and “The Man”, thereby avoiding taxes.
MoZ In The U.K.
- In retaliation for the so-called British Invasion of the 1960’s, MoZ’ers flooded into the U.K., taking up almost all available space at public restrooms everywhere. Great Britain’s socialized Cottaging industry was driven into extinction, forcing the importation of thousands of foreign poofters driving the economy into a tailspin. For this reason, MoZ members are frequently denied admission to Commonwealth countries.
MoZ In Europe
- In retaliation for World War 2, which resulted in increased taxes for Americans, MoZ’ers infested much of Europe, primarily centered on Germany. Since Europe has never had a native born homosexual, the poofter shortage was less severe than in the U.K. MoZ flourished until 1984, when Germany outlawed stupidity. The “Keinen Minimalistischenes In Mein Hof” (No Minimalists In My Backyard) laws were passed and stupid people were deported to Lexington, Virginia, home of Pat Robertson. Thereafter MoZ’ers under he influence a “Mind Control Ray”, The 700 Club, were enlisted to assassinate any and all South American dictators who pissed Reverend Robertson off.
MoZ In The Former Soviet Union
- In retaliation for the Cold War, which increased American’s taxes, MoZ’ers flocked to the countries of the former Soviet Union, snapping up all available delivery boy positions. Soon, pizzas, fried foods and soda were being routinely delivered to everyone but User:Sikon. Russian Mafiosi saw the MoZ as no competition at all, but rather a phenomenon to laugh about. Feeling hurt at being a joke, they all left one night with nothing but the bongs in their pockets.
MoZ In Asia
- In retaliation for bombing Pearl Harbor, which increased American’s taxes, MoZ’ers descended on Japan in 1982, where they hijacked the film industry as their propaganda tool. MoZ lobbyists pushed legislation which outlawed Godzilla, replacing him with The MoZilla Foundation. Irate Japanese quickly caught on to the Open Software Foundation-backed pyramid scheme, and MoZ lost it’s only Asian support base. Asian MoZers witnessed a short period of renewed interest when several teen pop stars donned animal costumes dry humping one another at the entrance to a Shinto Monastery.
MoZ In The 80's and 90's
The Caribbean Period
Phillip Glass met Dame Eugenia Charles, of Dominica at the Kennedy Compound (Cape Cod, Massachusetts) during a casual clambake in the summer of 1980. The affair was memorable in that 43,000 seething Scientologists showed up at the Kennedy's door demanding instruction from L. Ron Hubbard. Most were red faced when it was discovered that David Miscavage, Queen Borg of Scientology, had heard the word "clambake", panicked and assembled the flock expecting L. Ron to lead them in "Operation Clambake", a secret plan to avoid paying taxes by assaulting unbelievers with "cans". Despite the awkwardness of it all, Phillip and the Dame hit it off, were immediately co-smitten, and married three weeks later.
Glass spent the next three years perfecting his bowel movements and embroidering his wifes dresses. He was also to learn she had a mean streak. New Years 1983 at a reception at the home of Grenadan President Maurice Rupert Bishop, a friendly game of poker attended by all Prime Ministers of Organisation of Eastern Caribbean States (OECS), ended in a row when Bishop suggested that Dominican men were, "...buggers to the last man!" A telephone call to President "Ronnie" Reagan from the Dame resulted in a full scale assault of Grenada. The stress of this period led to the couples' split, and a drunken Glass swam out from a beach near Saint Joseph, arriving in Port Said, Egypt floating atop right whale's carcass.
Shores Of Egypt
Several underpaid, malnourished policemen took the nearly-dead Glass to a nearby MoZ center, where he was fed milk and locusts for 40 days, whereupon he felt much better. The unusual diet played havoc with his intestines, with the effect that his frequent bowel movements were particularly satisfying. Boutros Boutros-Ghali received Glass as a guest in his Port Said villa, shared couscous and bread, and when they finished eating, Boutros-Ghali had embraced MoZ.
Promising to spread the message throughout the world, Boutros-Ghali developed a United Nations plan to insert MoZ into the minds af all humans through the use of black helicopter technology. The announcement of such created confusion and cover for Egyptian military police. Protesting bad salaries, they entered four luxury hotels near the pyramids, set fire to them and looted them. MoZ quickly distanced itself from Egypt because they wanted taxes from Glass, and the U.N. because they were in a secret cabal with the IRS. Glass and his fellow misfits remained underground until 1987.
In February, 1988, Alice Cooper announced his intention to run for Governor of Arizona. Cooper was an enthusiastic MoZ'er, and Glass snuck into the U.S. to run as Lt. Governor on a, "this state is way too hot", platform. After a close election, MoZ became the de facto state philosophy, and "MoZ" was actually sewn into all state flags.
Crazy with power, Glass had a psychotic break and attempted to impregnate all of Coopers prized greyhound bitches. The Governor called up National Guardsmen to sedate and imprison all Arizina minimalists in a chimney, where he remained until he was rescued by Milli-Vanilli and a U.S. Special Forces contingent.
Singing duo Fab Morvan and Rob Pilatus (known as Milli-Vanilli) had no interest in MoZ whatsoever. A common interest of the three men, however, was a burning desire to avoid paying taxes. A complicated Ponzi scheme was hatched in 1992, which resulted in a horrific lip synching accident. A Chicago, Illinois judge ruled against the darker-skinned two of the trio, and approved cash rebates of up to $3 to anyone proving they bought Milli-Vanilli tickets prior to when the lip synching scandal began on November 27, 1990. Glass fled the jurisdiction with more money saved from avoiding taxes.
Despite the fact that the entire Commonwealth of the United Kingdom were sure Milli-Vanilli were gay, court documents reflect that both men had demonstated their heterosexuality under oath by servicing several women consecutively in front of a horrified jury. L Ron Hubbard testified he had engaged in group sex with the men, and even witnessed them engaging in sex with Charles Ponzi. However, Hubbard's testimony was discounted because the defense had proven 'Ponzi had in fact died on January 18, 1949, before either man had been born.
Life, The Universe, And That Other Thing
Again Glass went underground, forgot he'd invented Minimalism, and invented it again. His life had become less complex when he took to sleeping in a tree until January 8, 1998. That afternoon he found that cosmologists announced that the expansion rate of the universe is increasing, while trolling the internet. This moment of realization prompted an extraordinary bout of flatulence, which Glass later incorporated into his Etudes For Nailguns And A Stick.
Yet Another New Millenium
By 2001, Phillip Glass was crazy with power again, and took to the sea again by stealing a cruise liner, and continued to dodge the IRS. MoZ was acquired by a group of the original hippie founders who had become rich by not paying state and federal marijuana taxes. After such a long time, they were quite stoned from continually smoking high quality Chronic marijuana.
Back To England
In 2003 Margeret Thatcher invited MoZ to, "set up shop next door at the old Windsor place". The years had been unkind to aging hippies' body odor, and they were evicted for overpowering the stench of a local landfill. Despite the strong resurgence in Great Britain's economy, Londons’ Cottaging community was soon displaced by stinking sitters chanting “Om Mani PardonMe Aum”. Phillip Glass and all MoZ'ers were deported in May of 2003 for "being a bad influence on the British Git population."
The End For MoZ
Upon their last deportation, the Zee Oorg was left to drift at the whim of the ocean. Two days out from Portsmouth, the fleet was caught in a rogue wave and deposited on the coast of California. Governator Schwarzenegger had National Guard units mop up the mess. The subsequent imprisonment of Glass and his minions made them a non-moving target for Hollywood power mongers like Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and news anchor Craig Kilborn. Years of being swindled by Scientology had caused the pent up rage of the Glitterandi to burst it's floodgates, all focused on MoZ.
The trouble all started when MoZ sued prominent Scientologists over the verisimilitude of the moniker with a phrase in a television show controlled by L. Ron Hubbard. Since it's inception in 1996, the Daily Show, a late night news program, ended each show with a segment called, "A Moment of Zen", which often showed random video clips of sober news events, in an effort to leave their audience depressed. MoZ took exception to the use of a phrase which sounds similar to their patent-pending "Movement of Zen".
Trapped in the U.S with charges of millions in tax evasion, the rock, and Scientology's army of lawyers. the hard place, Glass was forced to surrender all claim to the very term he'd invented. Glass' organization was dismantled and the hippies auctioned off as lawn ornaments. A broken man, Glass spent two years in prison, where he found Jesus. By winning the eons-old game of Hide and Go Jesus, Phillip Glass became the Messiah, received a massive cash infusion from the Republican Party, bought his way out of jail, and promptly went off to hide.
MoZ is fondly remembered by six hippies who escaped becoming lawn ornaments by appealing to the federal government and winning status as an American Indian Nation.