“You can't stop the mosh...”
“I'd stop it, if only I knew what it was!”
“OK guys, you have one minute left...”
“YA FUCKIN' DICK'EADS!!!”
“I was the origional Mosher, don't you know?”
“I Want to see you go apeshit”
Moshers are the original, and most dominant species of a planet known as Mosh. They are well versed in the Moshal Arts. There exists an undefined kinship between the creatures that roam this planet and its neighbours. You aren't likely to meet an over-weight mosher, they lose weight with all the head banging and walking around the streets, however, crippled moshers may be found as during their walking, they are hunched, rather like that guy from disney. Moshers also usually play in heavy metal/rock band wearing dark clothes, like a goth but not that depressing and have this urge not to want to see things which results in them getting long cut fringes. Parculiar eh?
Also known as greebos.
Making a mosher
A mosher can be made up using the following recipe:
- 1 three week old black tee)
- 1 pair of baggy jeans (Lee's)
- 1 pair of Nike Force Basketball Shoes
- A disregard for other peoples opinions
- The ability to take a large amount of pain
- Quick wit (able to confuse any Chav)
- A bottle of pure bliss - the fuel of Planet Mosh - JD
- a lot of alcohol (JD included)
- (if Chav present)a golf club/cricket bat/bike chain/lead pipe electric chair or guitar
- An incredible headache from moshing
The recipe may alter.
This is a known fact, everyone except Chavs realise and accept that Moshers are superior to everything (Except Chuck Norris, it is however thought that Chuck could well be one). Chavs, being the inferior cow turds that they are, haven't yet realised that they just plainly and simply suck. When Chavs realise that they are infact wasting our air they will run to the nearest landfill site or equivalent and cower. Sadly though, chavs will re-emerge into our streets and once again begin skulking around and shouting Mosher at people who are unfortunate enough to pass within a four mile proximity of a Chav.
The Mosher-Chav War has continued for some time now, the Mosher side gaining an upper-hand with bombardments of Chavettes and Chavlings that are smoking at the age of 3 and 1/2. The cause of this wars is difference of opinion. The Moshers are right and the Chavs are retarded. This is called a difference of opinion. On the up side though, random Chav beatings will remain at an all time high and Chavette teenage pregnancy is on a decline, probably due to the copious amount of drugs the Chav males have consumed, causing impotence and deep rooted stupidity. So next time you are walking the streets, feel safe that Moshers are on the way to ruling the earth through loud music, JD, Mosh Pits and, uh, loud music.
The 'Mosher' is often seen kicking chavs, townies and teggs ass. This is because, even though the act of moshing is generally beating each other up, there is an etiquette of the pit which is that the injured are helped. Whereas with Chavs they first of all make sure that they out-number the Mosher, usually by 5 to one, and then they corner the mosher and send a Chavette to start the fight as no decent person will attack a girl (what you must remember though, is that you are allowed to fight back if the 'girl' resembles a pre-human primate enough. You can claim you didn't see the difference). Then when the Mosher (or Punk or Absolute Mosher etc...) is on the floor bleeding with fake nails sticking out of their eyes this is when the Male Chavs go in kicking the victim and burning their Fag/Cig into the victim's clothes. The tables can turn quickly if the mosher's band is nearby, who will help their friend and drive off the Chav's and, if possible, kill the fat one who wasn’t fast enough. If any remaining bling turns out to be real instead of fake crap, then the Moshers may take it in order to pay for the next rock concert and baggy clothes including band t-shirts.
The other way of how Mosher's take out Chav's is by the legal acquisition of MG42 heavy machine guns and using them to mow down the enemy as they charge at the Mosher's entrenched position; this tactic was used by the Red Army, but has been miserably recreated by the Chav forces. Indeed, the regular Chav footmen are not particularly ingenious with their tactics; where the Mosher's use Vodka and true Scandinavian alcohol to keep their forces supplied, the Chav's use "White Lightning" because "it's cheap, innit, and its got a fuckin' cool name, like". I, Absolutely Fuckin Hate Chavs! I can't stand them! I've been having problem's with these shit's for Year's. This whole Chav culture BULLSHIT is probably NEVER gonna fade & Die it's ALWAY'S gonna be around UNFORTUNATELY! Chav beating's on Innocent people for NO Reason what so ever will always happen.. they are MindLESS THUG'S ALL OF THEM! SCUM! It's all really to relate to clothing stlye's (As SAD as that actually sound's) but it's True, If I'm walking down the road & I'm wearing a Black Hoodie or a t-shirt with the word's "LIMP BIZKIT" OR "ADEMA" OR "SLIPKNOT" wrote on it with a picture underneath it I immediately get targetted at by Chavs! The type of clothe's Mosher's wear are pretty much to do with the music they like.. ie: Rock-Metal band's etc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the type of music that chavs listen to is just 1 word SHIT! RnB, Dance etc.. GAY MUSIC, PUFFY MUSIC, GIRLY MUSIC!
That person freaked out a little there.
The Mosh Pit
This is the Moshers' idea of a good time. The moshpit was invented when Oi Polloi decided to play Auld Lang Syne as part of their set. The mosh pit is an uncanny and dark place - once you go in, expect to be coming out again once you've realised what you've let yourself in for. Groups of moshers enter these pits and try to 'fight' (see nudge slightly). Moshers, being the strange creatures they are, even take their girlfriends to mosh pits on what they may think is a good place for a date. Upon sticking their tongue in their mouths, they usually have people rammed into the back of them. This absurd behavior may explain their lack of consciouness.
Chavs are not common visitors to mosh pits, this is because they say they "don't want to rip their bling, innit" but is actually because they are really, really scared, but on the unusual occasion that a Chav is unwillingly placed inside the frothing pit of doom (often because Moshers outwit them and tell there is a free burberry cap inside); the Chav is subsequently subdued and their arms and legs are completely removed, and used as beating sticks (also, they may, or may not, be shoved up said Chav's rectum). It is also is commonly known that an emo may find its way into the pit. This usually happens when the have ran out of self harming methods eg: razor blades, gas ovens, cutting their life-giving hair. The Emo's will never be utterly destroyed in the Pit, they will usually receive abuse from some people, but they will leave relatively intact. This is because the Mosher's consider themselves closer to the Emo than to the Chav, but usually dislike both. When the final war comes, the Emo forces will unite with the Moshers to become full Metalheads, and together, along with the Rockers and Punks, the Skinhead and Chavs will be annihilated.
Moshers are the greatest threat to Chavs. The friendship between this group and the Emo and Goth clans is the key to victories over Chavs (Most moshers aren't such big fans of Emos but would quite willingly aid them in battles against the Chav scum). Mostly, the average Chav will follow the Mosher in question, as though stalking it's prey. Upon thinking that no-one is watching, the group of 7 billion or more will launch its attack. From this point onwards, there are two things that can happen. If you have established friendships with Emos or Goths as was previously mentioned, then the Chavs may well prepare for a well-timed Emo flick of Doom(flick the finger into an eye)/ stake into the heart (I don't need to explain). However, if you have ignored this advice, prepare to forget this information as a 6ft dick comes hurtling towards you, destroying your physical being. After which, you can be prepared to be spat on/mugged/poked a bit with a stick by the 3 yr old Chavling who is accompanying their 12yr old mum and their 50 year old dad who has recently been released from prison.
But, news of fellow mosher beatings spread like wildfire, and soon a whole army of moshers, emos and goths will come to help the poor mosher out, killing off Chav scum with breadknives and amplification devices. Then the remaining Chavs shall flee with their Burberry tracksuits between their legs.
Chavs don't stand a chance in these so-called fights. An idea of a fight for a chav is to yell abuse at some unsuspecting passer by, then run to get as many "bruvs" as they can to outnumber the person whether its: one Mosher or Emo or baby in a buggy. However if a fight between a mosher and a Chav occurs who's honestly gonna win: [ without the pulling out of a knife ] The one who pays more than the actually hats worth to get it dry cleaned professionally ( trust me it does happen ) Or the one who can handle pain and doesn't need to call all his mates to handle one guy. Moshers rule! Chavs just go crash your cars into a river... If you can call those tin cans cars... Honestly they look like someones glued rubbish to them and they say its cool! They are taking recycling a little too seriously. The moshers are cool.
The war to end all wars (Da War Innit)
Some time during 2005-2015, the Chavs and Moshers declared war against each other. Notable members include 50 Cent, Bullet for my Valentine and other bands and singers. The first attack was when that twat Dappy from N-Dubz "brap brapped" a metalhead, and since the war finished, literally millions of stereotype's had been killed. Chavs, gangstas and their "bruvs" used kitchen knives, kebab skewers and guns, whereas the Moshers used antique swords, tree barrel shotguns and their inner demons to fight. Hoodies were sent from the Chav side as spies to "cut people up innit", and vice versa the Moshers just used re-animated dead corpses of the hoodies to infiltrate their council house type bases. Towards the end of the war (Da War Innit), the surviving metalheads summoned some sort of Devil like creature and it searched for every Chav on the planet. Unfortunately it killed anyone who were not wearing black clothes at the time. Billions died. However, it was victory to the Moshers and the war (Da War Innit) was finished.
It has been foretold that in the coming year a Prophet will rise to reunite the Mosher clan and it will follow in his wake. The Prophet shall have magnificent black hair that shall have been dyed at least once. The army of metal will spread through-out Britain and wipe out the Chavscum with the roaring death of a billion amps causing the terribly beaten and dying Chavs to enter a violent fit and eventually a splode.
The island will become a derelect and empty wasteland, barren and covered in the remains of Chav and JD bottles alike as the metalheads and their awesome-haired Prophet spread the word to the rest of the planet, In return, bringing around "80s' II" The Prophet and his followers shall 'rebuild the island with many electric guitars and awesome drum solos, and Moshers shall reign supreme forever more'(The Rolling Stones Bible, Gospel of Ronnie Wood, chapter 2, verse 4)
Once the island is fit for Mosher reign, the world shall once again know true music, and all Chav 'choons' shall be banished and left in a pile of supreme retardedness, known as 'Maccy D's'.
Recent sightings of the Prophet on his constant march to bring the mosh to all have been rare but a few seen the mysterious wanderer on his metal crusades across western Scotland, beating chavs daily and forcing them to attempt taxi-related suicides in shame of the severe ass-kickings received.
Female Moshers, like their male counterparts, can be found outside mosh-pits, or in a one-mile radius of an electric guitar (preferably a pink and black Stratocaster, equipped with Humbuckers to give it a more metal tone). Female Moshers dress better than Chavettes, mixing style with class, leaving male Moshers lusting after them and Chavettes envying them. Females are usually talented in music and drama, and all have a knowledge of great guitar solos, so as to impress male Moshers. Female Moshers have the 'best bodies' and never get pregnant in their teenage years, and hardly get pregnant at all; this is because they wish their children to be completely metal. By the age of 21, a female must have started her own band, be supporting her rock-star boyfriend, and be well-practised in Chavette-slaughter. All Mosher females own at least 2 pairs of grey or black converse, and spike belts, ready to poke the eyes out of any chav/townie/retard that dares come near her.
When Mosher females become mothers, they hire Emos or fellow Moshers to teach and look after their child until it is developed enough to mosh. Whilst this is happening, they go off to pursue their music careers.
The Mosher babies are brought up being able to play at least one rock instrument, and have usually practised the art of moshing to absolute perfection. Moshers take great pride in teaching their kids how to beat up a chav.
The bastard, unwanted son-child of moshing. While some people seem to think these "Chav" dudes are the true enemies of moshers (that or it's some lamer's silly obsession with his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend who just so happens to be a chive). Hardcore dancing is when 14 to 17 year old mall kids who dress like wiggers crossed with used condoms, go to a mosh pit, clear the floor so that about 3 or 4 of them can fight air. Here is a simpler formula:
How to Hardcore Dance
- First you have to be sure your mother dressed you.
- Make sure the floor is devoid of all life.
- Make sure that you and your partners are about 3 or 4 feet away from each. Remember, the hardcore dancing ball room floor is NOTHING like a strip club. You must smash into as many people as possible, starting off with a run and landing on the face!
- Once the band starts playing one of their "songs" (the word songs is used loosely, because it was recently discovered by scientists that modern-hardcore/death metal songs aren't actually songs, but rather the sounds of goat-sex), proceed to whoop the shit out of air using a variety of karate moves you taught yourself, grabbing invisible pennies off the ground, the vertical-ceiling fan technique (or windmill), and the goat-raper. Try to speed up the pit without punching someone.
- Try to be a huge inconvenience to people who are just trying to watch the band.
- Be an angry puss when a Mosher (see above) decides to well, mosh.
- Harcore Dancing is not endorsed by Glenn Danzig.
- A true mosher will interfere with a well placed rugby tackle then swift headbutt to break up this abomination of a dance.
- Favorited game in Chicago: Motherfucker in the Middle (don't let Smashing Pumpkins see you play this.)
The only Mosh pit rule
DON'T FALL! The likeliness of someone having the heart to pick you up is very slight. The moment they're knocked down pick them up and you have 80 seconds to do this. Crowd surfer need to be careful and swing down before they drop you (if you're H. Millard, hope they drop you on your fucking head while G. G. Allen pelts his shit at you.)