Monkey Jesus
“You know man... I really just did it for the bananas...”
“The fuck?!?.....”
“In Soviet Russia, you die for Monkey Jesus!”
Monkey Jesus was and is the ancient primate ancestor of Jesus. Monkey Jesus had a profound impact on primates everywhere, and brought to them among other things Old Spice deodorant sticks and eternal salvation in heaven with bananas.
Biography[edit]
Monkey Jesus was born in the year 10,001 B.C. in Detroit, Syria. His mother was impregnated by a banana (which the monkeys of his time happened to worshipped), and he was born in the brothel where she was working. Monkey Jesus' given name was Fred, but when he turned 15 he changed it to Jesus because incidentally in Monkey language it is the most horrendous swear word, and as a teenager he had that sort of sense of humor. Since Monkey Jesus was a bastard child (bananas did not have the same legal rights as Monkeys), the children at the school he went to often made fun of him, but he used his divine powers to smite them and afterwards make them spend an eternity in Rosie O'Donnell's vagina. By this point Monkey Jesus' mom was out of the picture as she had died of an overdose of Oxycotin. Because he had no mother or father Monkey Jesus was sent to an orphanage at the age of 17, where he found God, or as the Monkeys like to call it banana.
He became a friar in the Monkey religion at the Great Monkey Cathedral, which entailed him having to shave the old hairy balls of the Bishop Monkeys twice monthly. Jesus Monkey left the Cathedral to go to the remote stretches of the Jungle, where he would have more personal time with banana. He sat and meditated for twelve and a half years looking for some sign from the banana, when the angel Muhammad came to him with a message from the heavens. The message was this: "All you Monkeys smell like ass, Monkey Jesus. You must give them Old Spice, so they no longer smell like ass." This was when Monkey Jesus began his legendary ministry, which among other things, gave out free Old Spice deodorant, salvation in heaven, cheap magazine subscriptions, and coupons to Shaw's for Shaw's brand diet soda. The Monkey authorities, however, got pissed off for a number of reasons. First, because they liked smelling like ass, second, because they knew the whole heaven and banana business was a load of shit, third, because they owned all the large magazine companies and liked profits, and fourth because they shopped at Walmart for their groceries. So when Monkey Jesus entered Detroit again, they captured him and put him on trial for embezzlement of all things. He was found guilty, and they crucified him. They put him in a tomb but then minutes later he rose from the dead, and everyone hates monkey zombies so somebody found a sawed-off shotgun and took down zombie Monkey Jesus.
Main Teachings[edit]
This article contains unquestionable divine truths.
Anyone who does question will be branded a heretic.
Any and all heretics will be guillotined immediately.
Monkey Jesus had eight main points that he taught while he led his ministry:
- Love bananas and eachother.
- Wear Old Spice deodorant.
- Shop at Shaw's Supermarket.
- Eat my banana to truly remember me.
- Buy my merchandise at your local Hot Topic.
- Nokia are average.
- Do not eat from the coconut.
- The Pittsburgh Pirates are the worst baseball team ever.
Notable Quotes[edit]
“Nokia's cellphones are perfectly adequate.”
“Let the banana guide you through life...”
“The day the Pirates do anything worthwhile I cut my nutsack off...”
Legacy[edit]
Today Monkeys of all races and colors worship Monkey Jesus as their eternal savior and believe that by eating bananas every day they are eating the spirit of Monkey Jesus. All hail monkey Jesus!
Controversy[edit]
Many scholars claim that Monkey Jesus was in fact a fraud, and they use the following points to prove this:
- That he was really sponsored by Old Spice and Shaw's.
- That Muhammad wouldn't be born for thousands of years.
Of course followers of Monkey Jesus throw coconuts at anyone who doubts the power of Monkey Jesus, just as Christians and Muslims throw bombs at non-believers.