List of weapons that exist, but shouldn't

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“In humanity, only so much can be tolerated, even in terms of weaponry.”

~ Oscar Wilde on weapons that exist, but shouldn't

The Dogs With Bees In Their Mouths

Thought to be the work of ex-German soldiers recruited by the Soviets after WWII, The Dogs With Bees In Their Mouths are the greatest threat to humanity the world has ever known. Dogs With Bees In Their Mouths open their mouths and shoot bees at unsuspecting intruders, be they burglars, delivery persons, or mother-in-laws. The only way to avoid becoming prey to these vicious canine/apoidean monsters is to stay away from Montgomery Burns' Manor.

Axl Rose's voice


During Operation Desert Strom Axl Rose was kidnapped, tied up, shoved into a tank outfitted with a loudspeaker and he was forced to screech in order to drive out the infidels into the open. This is also the reason why Chinese Democracy, the concept or the album, has never seen the light of day (OK, fine, so the album did, but after 15 years, who really gives a crap?).

In either case, Axl Rose's voice has many other uses, including but not limited to:

  • Driving insects and small vermin out of your basement
  • Hangover pranks
  • Use by CIA operatives who carry a small bottle of it around in order to break glass and/or escape dangerous situations
  • Heh, heh. "Knees".

EV-17 ████████ ████

Although very little is known about the EV-17 lion man CIA Agent claims the ████████ has the power to engage numerous strippers across the globe. The most important element of the EV-17, is the three part system of █████ █████,and ████, which has potential for unknown ████████ in a ratio which ranges from █-to-█.

The Blue Screen of Death

Far too traumatizing to be actually viewed, this replica accurately depicts the horrors of Microsoftery...

The Blue screen of death is a horrible plot concocted by a nefarious group of college students in the mid 1970's in order to piss off more dependent and less intellectual students using their equipment. The Blue Screen of Death has been attributed, but not limited to, causing the following disasters:

Extendable Cattle Prod Nightstick

“Ah, that's abit harsh ain't it?”

~ Hitler on Getting shocked by an extendable cattle prod nightstick

Nightsticks hurt when hit with, cattle prods hurt when poked with. Combining the two, may be the most evil idea ever to be come up with by modern man.


(Because the reference of them is mandatory)

The Euroipods article is so bad, that in order to survive just from looking at it, one has to

a) pry their eyeballs from their sockets
b) reffer freinds to do the same

Goatse Man

Goatse man has two powerful lasers that he carries around. When he finds a victim, he distracts them by giving them a link to his webpage. While the hapless victim is busy reading the hilariously cunning humor section of the site, Goatse Man sneaks around and burns their eyes out. Truly, Goatse Man is a powerful force for evil. It remains to be seen if, in the right hands (or the right hands in him), he could be a force for good.

Incredibly Hot Anime Girls

Yes, even web browsers.

In the year 1337 BC, the United Spades of Amerika began research on a way to make nerds incredibly happy!

Upon seeing this on the internet or something, you will become infatuated with Anime girls. (I wish I could see her boobs...)Since anime girls are anime and therefore are god, you will like, totally become a Super Uber nerd and/or fanboy. Specially engineered to love anime, can also turn the victims into a furry. Oh, the humanity!

Jon Voight

The Crocodile Hunter: "Just look at those teeth, made for tearing the flesh off of human bones! Lets go in closer for a better look mates!"

Jon Voight, son of the inventor of Voight basketballs (unrelated to Voit basketballs) was tragically mutated in the year 1953 AD causing him to invade Hollywood and put out a horrible movie every 2 years, and also led him to work with fellow spawn of Satan, Shia LaBoeuf in Holes, causing a mass mindwashing of America's youth to think that Louis Sachar's works are readable (especially Wayside School is Falling Down...)

On the other hand he was the sperm donor for Angelina Jolie, one of the few women that make everyone else around them ugly... So, in reality it's a lose/win situation...

Marguerite Perrin

Screaming about "Gaggles" and "dorksided" things, this is quite possibly the most nasty weapon ever known to man.

This weapon is way more powerful and nasty than Simon Cowell himself. U.S. army officials estimate that it will end The War Against Terror (TWAT) and all current wars on the planet with her yelling, appearance and personality. It was put on the Fox show Trading Spouses to test the effects and side effects on it's viewers, but the results were deadly:

100% of Fox viewers were found dead (although this has not been offered as evidence since the same thing happens when an episode of Arrested Development is watched)

It was effective, but maybe TOO effective for any human to handle. The U.S. Congress forced the army to shutdown the current project and put her on storage in the bottomless pit to prevent Marguerite Perrin (nicknamed Godzilla) from escaping.


These horrible virtual weapons, extend their grip into the physical realm. By silently capturing intelligent, creative people in their internet clutches, these user updatable data constructs force their enslaved symbiotes to weave additional layers of intrigue and editability to contain the next round of hapless eggheads.

A wiki is created by enslaving a system administrator, who is foolish enough to be subverted by a non-existent software process. The system admin purchases a digital bed for the wiki to be created, and then proceeds to meld together the magical elements of clock-gated life. At that point, the wiki is still just a fledgling vanity web page, albeit a sophisticated site with much dynamic potential. It isn't until the alpha-dupe spends real world time and energy contacting other human beings to participate in it's mind-trap, that the wiki emerges from it's cocoon.

The wiki attracts its prey by seizing and presenting the humorous, factual, or bigoted catalogs of the previous acquisitions. By capturing more and more victims, the wiki actually increases it's ability to capture more drones.

Wikis are usually formed along intellectual boundaries, such as the desire to catalog knowledge, or the desire to make yourself laugh, or the desire to believe that your group is superior to other groups. Captured humans from opposing wikis, often participate in trying to destroy the opposing wiki's credibility. Ironically, in this process, the wiki's share mind-slaves, and both become even more powerful.

Although the more insidious wikis have been created with the soul purpose of enslaving and manipulating pale skinned insocialites, a vast majorities of wikis prey upon their creators.


Weather of Mass Drowning. Hurricanes, typhoons, tropical storms, Ted Kennedy, tsunamis, tidal waves, waterspouts, flash floods, quicksand, and elephant drool. Ban them, we've had enough!

Barrett M82 sniper rifle

And now you can see why your foes laugh.

A weapon that makes people think they can take on Chuck Norris, often with disastrous results. Chuck Norris, having deflected the bullet, then goes on to kill everyone within a 10 light-year radius. He then takes a nap on the sun(this situation is impossible since chuck norris doesn't sleep he waits) , and eats Cheez-Its. anyone trying to take his Cheez-Its instantly dies by roundhouse related injuries. Get your own box.

On a more realistic note, it looks rediculous! all of its proportions are way out and foes who see you with it are likely to laugh rather than run from your .50 BMG leathality...which actualy may be an advantage if you are forced to use it up close. supposedly almost the same as the M107 which looks compleatly different (it dosen't look gay).

Gay bomb

A bomb that was researched by the US Army, though never developed. It would contain a chemical that, when released into the air, would cause intense homosexual arousal in targets. No such chemical (except banana rum) was ever discovered, so the idea was dropped.

Knife filled with gunpowder

A completely benign weapon with an unknown purpose. Invented by scientists in an attempt to make a knife filled with bombs. It's only special use seems to be lighting itself on fire, but with a weapon as short as a knife, you'll probably burn your hand.

Note -- not to be confused with a roman candle or a sparkler. This is not a patriotic toy.

Lily Allen

First encountered in the 1940s around the Moors, this beast is capable of driving everyone to a murderous rage by simply "singing". Enough said. This is now a moot point, as she has retired from making records. She cites illegal file sharing as the reason for this, going on to explain that file sharing is why her records don't go on to make huge sales. Oddly, she failed to see her interminable mockney whine as the reason for the lack lustre sales figures.

Dihydrogen Monoxide


Often known as hydroxyl acid it is a key component in acid rain, and when ingested in large quantities it leads to cells within a human body bursting! This can cause an extreme case of epic destruction! It can also prevent gaseous exchange causing a mild case of death. It is found in tumours and traces of the chemical are still present even after washing!! This chemical is real people! If utilized it could destroy us all! Despite what cynics say it is on of the most common chemicals on earth! It has to be stopped!

Justin Bieber

The singing from this weapon is enough to cause everybody and everything's head in a 20-mile radius to asplode due to the unbearably high pitch of his voice. Once turned on, it will immediately begin "singing" (If you can even call it that.) very loudly. Usually used by terrorists as most things cannot go 21 miles per millisecond.

Rio Bakura

Rio Bakura's Britishness is so overpowering that nearly everyone exposed to him develops British Overload Syndrome. You can confirm that you developed BOS if you smelt a strange odour soon after exposure to Bakura. Other symptoms include suddenly having a favourite colour, thinking everything is spelt wrong, and sudden usage of wanker, bloody, fish and chips, come again, mind the gap, bloke, and wilikers in nearly every sentence.


This deadly weapon was first made by American Scientists trying to create a weapon for use on crowds at sports games like the Super Bowl and competitive hot dog eating. When activated, this weapon fires a volley of invisibles streams of lasers. Upon contact with the target, it makes time travel forward for the affected individual at rate of 60 seconds per minute, 60 minutes per hour, or 24 hours per day depending on settings. When first used at a Boston Red Sox baseball celebration, it misfired. The misfire hit a fellow law enforcement agent, at which then he proceeded to crowd control at a rate of speed so fast, someone’s eyes asploded, and it was later blamed on a “non-lethal” pepper gun. After this incident all prototypes were destroyed and all scientists vowed to never again make a weapon of such caliber.

See also