List of weapons that don't exist, and shouldn't
This is a list of a few weapons that have never been made, where said state of affairs is a Good Thing.
Rocket-Propelled Eiffel Tower[edit]
Seriously, what if the French attached rockets to the Eiffel Tower and launched it at us? That could be dangerous! The U.N. should really look into it rather than whining about who does and doesn't have WMDs.
Emoizer[edit]
A sinister ray that blasts a deppression wave, instantaniosly converting you to an emo.
Jet-Propelled NAAFI[edit]
A British cold war concept. The idea being that if it were to land near the British army it would be a massive morale booster and if it were to land near any other army it would cause a massive outbreak of the squits after the foolish enemies ate the food or drank the tea.
Gun That Shoots Clones of Ted Kennedy[edit]
Imagine the horror of an army of puffy-faced Ted Kennedys. Can you picture a legion of drunken senators constantly repeating "Er ah, er ah," slowly driving you insane with their Boston accents? Now you understand why Lithuania cancelled it.
Gun That Shoots Tony Blair[edit]
The Guns that shoot Tony Blairs program was originally incepted by BAE systems as a gun capable of shooting both Presidents and Prime Ministers. Early field testing in the US of the John F. Kennedy loading model brought a number of design flaws to light, most notably a failure in top down communication of the initial concept. The gun had wrongly been designed to shoot at Kennedy, resulting in the launching of a 19" calibre high velocity, cyanide tipped Parker Knoll Powered Recliner right into his head. Bam!! Not even Mr. Wolf is going to clean that mess out of the seats!
Following the initial failure of the project it was scrapped for a number of years until the original design brief was stumbled upon by a technician looking for something to roach. Work immediately began on The Gun that shoots Tony Blair - designed to launch an arrogant, sweaty, posturing, Bushophile upon the economy of the unsuspecting enemy. Unfortunately the project was again cursed and during early phase live ammunition testing at Portland Down, on May 1st 1997, the safety mechanism on a live T. Blair failed and BAE systems unwittingly discharged it into No. 10 Downing street.
As a weapon the T. Blair has proved frighteningly effective in its deployment against its creators. During the last nine years it has managed to mire the United Kingdom in at least two unwinnable wars, spend billions on useless IT projects and is planning to enslave all UK citizens with I.D cards which will be implanted within the frontal lobes and enable wide spread mind-control of the population. To date no known anti-Blair weapon has proved in the least votable for, the latest under development, a self-fellating, smarm offensive weapon codenamed 'Call me Dave' is said to bear a remarkable resemblance to the T. Blair round and does not inspire confidence.
Nuclear powered cheyneysaw[edit]
This horrific devise developed by Sarah Palin while she was working as a scientist for the Skylab laboratories.The official debut of the weapon is expected in the next terminator movie where Chuck Norris is brought in from the past to kick some metallic ass only to find himself opposed to an Arnie equiped with this monstrous invention that incoporotes the sinster yet fat head of dick cheney that has the ability to tear in half countries,people and oil fields and gain billions of dollars at the same time.The sharp stinky teeth of cheneysaw covered with depleted uranium will slice flesh like butter through knife and if everything else fails then the chyneysaw can selfdestruct in a spectacular nuclear supernova destroing everything within 250 light years(except George W.Bush).Runors that this doomsday devise also includes a telescope that allows you to look at Russia from everywhere in the universe are yet to be confirmed.
Punxsutawney Phil Stuffed With Dynamite[edit]
What's that, Punxsutawney Phil? You say there's six more weeks of winter? Wait, I can't hear you, let me hold you up closer....
KABOOM!!!
Super-Explosive-Adrenaline-Pwning-XTreme-Michael Bay-Slow motion exploding-Bomb[edit]
A bomb that has a blast radius around the size of Fat Man and Little Boy combined, only instead of just killing its targets outright, it warps the fabric of reality within the blast zone, resulting in an environment similar to that of a Michael Bay film. It was designed by top American scientists such as Larry the Cable Guy and Pat Robertson, and is believed to work on the principle of BFI. It has been speculated that the fallout from use of such a device would greatly increase the speed of mankind's descent into stupidity, as well as result in such a massive Existential crisis that those who remained unharmed by the device would gather into one large herd and begin reading Ayn Rand novels compulsively, forever spouting pseudo-intellectual babble about the Virtue of Selfishness and how "A equals A".
The Neutron Bomb[edit]
A bomb that makes every TV channel play Jimmy Neutron for all eternity. The human race is then left with no choice but to commit mass suicide.
The Pen[edit]
Henchman 1: "We'll try plan 4236"
Henchman 2: "Plan what?"
Henchman 3: "The pen! Oh, nevermind, just follow me!"
- Dr. Claw's henchmen on "the pen"
The ordinary common household pen. As is well known, the pen is mightier than the sword. Think about it. You're a medieval knight, riding along, minding your own business, and suddenly some freak jumps out of a dark alley brandishing a pen. That person could be a lawyer trying to sapeena.. subppeena.. subomatopoeia..sub-sandwich you, or worse, a government bureaucrat. You try to cut him down, to no avail, and he takes you write out of existence. It's better not to think about it (from now on, that is).
The Uranium Grenade[edit]
A standard WW2 metal grenade shell filled with weapons-grade enriched uranium. Pulling the pin and throwing it doesn't actually do much because it's far less than a critical mass. Nevertheless it is heavy as hell and hurts like a mother fucker if one hits you in the face. Excess bloody noses during the later stages of the war caused it to be banned under the Geneva Convention of 1947.
The Nucular Bomb[edit]
A bomb that detonates when the global average IQ has fallen below a set threshold.
Explosive Couch[edit]
A land mine cleverly disguised as a couch. When enough pressure is applied to the cushions, they explode, sending the victim flying into the air. No matter where placed, be it in a zombie apocalypse, jungle, desert, or even outer space, enemy soldiers will be attracted by the prospect of a nice place to sit.
SpongeBomb[edit]
This is a weapon that looks very much like Spongebob but is quite sinister. It feeds mainly on bomb-making materials and over the course of its life morphs into a bomb. It can be a complete nuissance due to its constant theft and comsumption of explosives. This is especially useful against househusbands or any enemy that uses a sponge regularly.
Killer Bee Rifle[edit]
A modified M-1 rifle developed by the USA for use in the trenches and brothels of WW2. This weapon was the brainchild of the top scientists in West Virginia, who reasoned that God made bullets to only go in one direction, while bees were able to fly in multiple directions (a discovery that was highly controversial in that state). Knowing this, they dared to make a weapon that need only be fired in the general vicinity of the target; the ammunition would take care of the rest. During the testing stages, honey bees were used and the results were delicious disastrous. Despite official skepticism, the scientists pressed on and pushed for all the funding they could get, citing the fact that Rudolph Hitler was allergic to bees. Begrudgingly, Franklin Dysentery Roosevelt granted them the gold needed to perfect their technology, and the Killer Bee Rifle (KBR) was born.
The KBR works just like any other rifle, except that the shooter wears a protective glove which enables him to handle said Killer Bees. Each bee is loaded into the rifle one at a time, and is then immediately fired before it has a chance to realize what the hell is going on. Accuracy was non-crucial, as the bee would do the rest of the work (as soon as it got over the fact that it had just spiraled through a metal tube at 700 mph). Regardless, researchers did the best they could to make the projectile fly as straight as possible once it was shot out of the rifle. Tiny hats made of tinfoil were put on the heads of bees, but the results proved only mildly more effective and the process of making tinfoil helmets for thousands of bees was far too tedious (even for the army). One Staff Sergeant had this to say about the matter: "they look like little black and yellow tin men...creeps me the hell out."
The rate of fire was unfortunately painfully slow, though it was rumored that plans were drawn up to utilize a "drum clip", similar to that of the "Tommy Tutone gun." The idea was allegedly scratched when soldiers proved hesitant (read: too candy-assed) to hold a weapon that had a metal drum filled with pissed off killer bees. Ultimately, it's inefficiency and lack of effectiveness against German tanks doomed the KBR, forcing it to be destroyed (along with it's ammunition).
Oddly, leaked test results seems to says that "it seems to be very effective on mutant plant monsters that are guitarists, but not much else, since the bees only go to plants or sting the shooter to death."
Wall and Toothpick[edit]
You put the toothpick under one of the target's toenails, point a gun at them and then threaten to shoot them unless they kick the wall.
Weapon of Ass Destruction[edit]
A large black dildo-shaped explosive device, armed once inserted into the enemy's anus. This weapon is hard to utilize effectively, and the most proven method of usage is by asking the enemy out to dinner and a movie, then requesting the enemy come back to place of residence for "coffee", then engaging in foreplay then BAM flop out the giant black dildo and proceed to destroy the enemy's anus. Can be counteracted by KY Jelly.
Gun that shoots you[edit]
This is the only known weapon that straddles the line between the weapons that shoot other weapons that don't exist, but should, and weapons that don't exist and shouldn't: It shoots other weapons, it doesn't exist, and we're better off this way. The gun literally shoots you at the target, requiring you to actually load yourself into the barrel, making it useless when used by you, and very useful in the hands of your enemies. While this means it should exist, since it gives everyone else in the world an advantage, we're all ourselves so no matter who's using it, nothing will happen.
Gun that shoots you[edit]
This is a simple, yet extremely engenious weapon. It is an ordinary gun (of any kind) designed to shoot at you. Perfect for hostage situations when you are the hostage, it will kill you, thus rendering the hostage taker completely baffled and vulnerable.
- May be used in conjunction with the Nucular Bomb.
iPod Cannon[edit]
A top secret weapon created by Apple in the mid-50's, this weapon basically launches iPods and may launch one or two stupid commercials with people in black with no face. The effect of this weapon can be devastating, especially if one of the iPods is full of Dragonforce songs... imagine how fast the cold war would end with one of these babies
Pork Grenade[edit]
Standard grenade filled with pieces of pork. When it explodes, shards of dead pig fly everywhere, coating everything nearby. Would be an effective weapon in the Middle East, where any Muslim or Jew in the vicinity of the blast gets instantly damned to Hell for touching a dirty animal. Variations include the beef grenade, to be used against Hindus, and the Flying Spaghetti grenade, which could potentially be used against followers of the religion of truth.
Placebo Based Weapons[edit]
This is a type of metaphysical weapon currently being researched by the department of homeland security (no really it is).
The weapons function on this basic principal: if you tell the enemy that what ever your holding is a weapon for example the banana you are currently holding. Then telling the guy you want to shoot that the banana is actually a gun that is, in reality, shooting him in the face. If you've done it correctly the person should believe you and in accordance with the laws of metaphysics, suffer some really breath takingly horrific wounds (ya know blood every where and eehhha, lets just say you aren't very pretty after ward). The only problem with this is if that guy your trying to shoot convinces you that you are, in fact, holding the banana backward thus shooting your self, which is not good (no shit).
Tested in the field in the 41st millenium by a very clever Imperial Guardsman who ran out of ammunition for his Lasgun and continued to kill Orks by yelling 'bang!'. Less effective against humans, who are both not that thick and not latently-psychic (still effective against those humans that are).
Midas Grenade[edit]
Similar to the above, this would be a grenade filled with pieces of the ancient king. When it explodes, everything in the vicinity that touches part of his body will turn to gold, thus rendering the enemy harmless. However, care must be taken when looting the ensuing hoard of gold, because anybody accidentally stepping on dead body-shrapnel will also turn into gold.
Carrot with a Face[edit]
The Carrot with a Face would have originated when Farmer Brown planted carrots. If it wasn't for a UN Peacekeeping Force his dog would have pissed radioactive urine all over those carrots. Causing these carrots to become horribly mutated and grow a face. The powers would be too horrible too describe...heck we'll tell you anyway. Other than the fact that if you say a word to it you get upchucked all over, eating it would cause you to become morbidly obese. Thank god the Terrorists didn't get ahold of it. Ahem.
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Throwing Guns[edit]
Requires No Ammo
Except the guns... otherwise theres nothing to throw.
crazy fried chicken[edit]
Its crazy,lives in kfc, you can dip it in sauce,its a military weapon,and it kills people. Can it fly!? Well, ya, because its a freaking chicken!
Yourself[edit]
You throw yourself, causing no damage whatsoever to your enemy, just simply proving your own stupidity, and baffling them, only delaying your inevitable pwnage.
E-Cola[edit]
Drink, and die.
Fred Li Rifle[edit]
Fires asian kids by the name of Fred Li. There is only one source of ammo as of right now (Fred Li, duh.) It is VERY, VERY, VERY bad if you get shot with it. Fred Li will proceed to pressure point you on the back of your neck until your head explodes and steal all your maple syrup and video games not rated "X." In short, The Fred Li rifle is the only known weapon that rivals Chuck Norris in destructiveness.
Chuck Norris[edit]
'Nuff said. Run before he finds you, unless you have a Big T, or, better yet, a Bruce Lee. Both can Pwn him.
The Tayzer[edit]
An electrical weapon that causes the victim to spasm whilst singing Choclolate rain by Tay Zonday. was banned at the Geneva convention after it caused several people to lose their (NOT THEY'RE GODDAMBIT) minds
Justin Bieber Gas Mask[edit]
It is what the name says: a gas mask with a picture of Justin Biebers head on it. For its extreme cruelness, it has been banned by the Convention of Geneva as a precaution, should it ever come into existence.
This extremely effective piece of equipment has two functions: 1) Protects you from biochemical warfare, like mustard gas, Zyklon-B and onion farts. 2) Upon seeing you wearing this mask, the enemy will either die of pure terror or their eyes burn out, effectively making them unfit for battle.
WARNING: Cover eyes when putting on this mask to avoid serious injury or death. (For those wondering, this outstanding piece of warfare technique is made in factories by 13-year-old girls, who seem to be the only ones unaffected)
The Force[edit]
A weapon widely used by two of the most devious, dancers ever. The "Dying Gaul" and the "Bionic Roboto devised this through a combination of plotting, scheming and conniving called schonnotting. This weapon mind controls the victims into The Quest For the Holey Grail
Exploding potato launcher[edit]
Have you ever thought, "My grenade launcher is okay, but isn't there anything more powerful?"
This device sends a microwave oven hurtling toward enemy targets with a potato being cooked inside for way too long. Everyone knows potatoes make for powerful explosions, and will annihilate anything within range. (Slight design flaw: enemy target must be located within the microwave.) (Second slight design flaw: power source?)