Kimbo Slice

Kevin Ferguson (February 8, 1974 - June 6, 2016) was an angry muthafucka. He is famous for his beard, and to a lesser degree, as a fighter in U.F.C.. His signature move, the Kimbo Slice, creates a powerful rift in the space-time continuum, which intimately creates a wormhole. He is currently employed by the Department of Defense.

Creation

Kimbo Slice was originally genetic experiment designed by DARPA to become the ultimate warrior (sorta like how Cell from Dragonball Z was manufactured). During the height of the Cold War, the United States looked for new deterrents to fight against the threat of communism. They took semen samples from the following:

Kimbo Slice, moments after birth.

Mr. T: 25% they took his beard, pity, anger, and blackness.

Mike Tyson: 25% They took his anger, fighting ability, English speaking ability, and ear-biting instincts.

Ving Rhames: 20% They took his blackness and baldness.

Samuel L. Jackson: 20% they took his badassness.

O. J. Simpson: 5% they took his killer instinct.

Steven Seagal: 5% they took his martial arts prowess.

Kimbo Slice burst out of Oprah's womb six months early with a full beard and mane of chest hair (sort of like Athena, only Kimbo was far more angry). The first man Kimbo killed was the doctor, (Kimbo used his umbilical cord to beat the doctor to death, and then cut the doctor's head off with is beard. The doctor tried spanking Kimbo. Nobody spanks the Kimbo. Because the U.S. government feared what would happen to their country if Kimbo got angry, they sent him away to Zaire, to live with the Mountain Gorillas.

Early Years

While in Zaire, Kimbo was active in the Congolese rebellions, frequently switching sides to kill more people. When Kimbo was 3 years old, he was discovered by Jane Goddall while he was beating a bush baby to death with a human skull (Kimbo Slice loves to eat Bush Baby for breakfast, along with Fruit Loops), he was sent to Cutler Ridge (now called Kimbo Rage) in Florida. In America, Kimbo learned how to speak English and kill better by watching Sylvester Stallone movies (this explains why he can't speak English or smile).

When he was 7 years old, Kimbo learned about his true origins, and was subsequently brought to a Department of Defense research facility for a urine sample. He was then tasked by President Reagan to assassinate Bob Marley, who was a secret communist spy. Then, he went through Agoge in Africa until he was 17 years old (obviously, he killed a shit load of people). It was during this time that Kimbo Slice mastered his signature move the the Kimbo Slice

Kimbo then returned to America to be a student in the University of Miami, where he majored in rage with a minor in nuclear physics. He was also a highly successful linebacker, but left the college to join the Miami Dolphins. However, they rejected him, so Kimbo got angry and killed Dan Marino (his retirement was a cover up).

Kimbo Slice Later in Life

Kimbo Slice then became a street fighter (where he killed random people on the street) and posted his exploits on the internet, causing a massive revolution.

He then went on to U.F.C., where he fought people a lot (duh).

After being dropped from the U.F.C. for being horrible, Kimbo Slice returned to the Department of Defense as a full time employee cleaning floors, where he was sent to Afghanistan on covert operations to kill terrorists poop stains, and to make ice-cream cones for the kids. After President Obama found who's ass to kick, Kimbo Slice was sent by the President on an ass-kicking mission to clean BP's ass with out tissue paper.

Contrary to popular belief, it was Kimbo Slice who stopped the BP oil flow by using a special concrete made from the blood of the BP management and solid granite Kimbo grounded to sand with his molars.

Kimbo Slice's Special abilities

Rage: Kimbo Slices anger is so powerful that it is known to decimate cities. Kimbo Slice caused Hurricane Florence after learning that Steve Irwin died (his favorite show was the crocodile hunter. Kimbo Slice, while grieving caused the extinction of all stingrays (those fuckers were so dead after one of them killed Irwin.)

Beard: Kimbo Slice's beard is ten million times stronger than diamond. He is able to detach it and throw it like a boomerang. To date, it has killed an estimated 200 million people.

English: Kimbo Slice is famous for his English speaking ability. He is able to clearly explain is opinions in perfect grammar and syntax.

Chest Hair: Kimbo Slice's chest hair is so strong that it can deflect rockets and grate hard cheese.

Kimbo Slice: This is Kimbo slices most powerful attack, equal to Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick or Mr. T's pity. By using his all powerful beard, Kimbo creates a ripple in the space-time continuum, which ultimately creates a wormhole, allowing Kimbo Slice to travel back in time. Kimbo Slice also has the power of destroying the worm hole by growling at it.

Kimbo Slice in advertising

Recently, Just for Men contacted Kimbo Slice to appear in one of their facial hair product commercials. However, unbeknownest to them, Kimbo Slice's beard is a dark black without use of dyes or coloring.

Real Kimbo Slice Quotes

I'm dead serious, these are his real quotes. Pretty fucking scary man.

•"With these hands I can part the sea. With these hands I feed the family."

•"You better wear a pad with that cup, because I’m going to have you fucking blood, homie."

•"I ain’t Cabbage, I’m Kimbo."

•"I kind of look at it like a chick that does porn. Just because she did 100 porn scenes, that doesn’t mean I’m going to be afraid to be with her. I’m going to still get that girl. That’s how I look at it."

•"Your mind, your heart, and your balls gotta be in one accord"

Notable People Kimbo Slice has killed

TOO MANY TO LIST