Stutter
“I wanna l-l-l-lick you from your head to your toes”
Stu-tuh-tuhtut-er-uhing is a disease that is characterized by the rep-ep-epepetition or eeeee-luh-longguha-ey-tion of sounds and is com-muhmohmohMOM-monly found in small children, large birds, and easily fluluhluh-us-ustered members of the British nobuh-buh-buhbuhbuhility. Stuhst-uhtuhtuhtt-ehring attacks are usually caused by ow-outsuhsuhide-ide sources of anxiety or stuh-tuhuhress, which can encompass a wide variety of situaaaaaAAAAtions, not the least of which are public speaking and editing Ununununun-uncyclopedia articles. It is estimated that eight in thuhthuhthuree people are stu-tuh-tuh-tuhtut-ttererers, which is a remarkable 800% increase in suf-uf-ferererers from the 1990s.
Oh, thuh-thuhank you for the water.
Being uncurabrab-ruh-able and highly contagious, stuhtuhtuh-tuhtut-tering is one of the strongest th-th-thuhreats facing America today.
Development of Stst-tuhtuhtut-tuering[edit]
Stutut-uttering is a developmental duh-duhduhisorder, meaning that it typically begins during childhood and guhgu-guh-guhets worse if a person chooses a career in pol-puhpolpuh-politiiiics. Children who exhibit stutte-ututtuttering may undergo additional education and thuh-uh-uherapy for their disability, as well as buhuhbuh-be excused from normal coursework, either for fuh-fear of being ah-oh-ostruhuh-cized or demeaned, or just because they kuhkuhkuhcan't kuhkuhkuhkuhkeep up with classroom participation.
Why should I tuhtuhtr-try duhdruhrink-inking from the far side of the glass? I'm trying to write an ar-ar-ararticuhcuhl here, I'll talk with you in a mo-muhmuhmoment.
Ch-Chri-C-Ch-Chr-Ch-Chrisssssss Chris R-R-R-R-Re-Iiiiii-Iiiii-DddDddd!!!!, Is quite the unfortunate individual, he discovered Stut-tttt-ttt-errrrrrrring at the early age of (when he started c-cc-ccc-cc-col-college) back in S-S-Sep-Septem-SEPTEMBER 2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2008, An Enclosed P-picture will soon follw of the god that is Ch-Chri-C-Ch-Chr-Ch-Chrisssssss Chris R-R-R-R-Re-Iiiiii-Iiiii-DddDddd!!!! lololololololololololololololololololololololololololololol, h-h-he-h-h-ello, j-j--j-jj-j-jjjjj-ju-jus-ju-just where, wh- where yo-y-y-y-y-y-yyou going a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-at l-l-l-l-lunch
Unfortunately, for some reason wuhwuh-when one child is removed from nornahnah-nor-norna-normal class activities, other children begi-in-in to exhibit the same sympsuh-suh-suhsympSYMP-symptoms, which often leads to a spread of the disease throughowow-outTUH the school. These children seem to imm-muhme-muhmuhmemmuhmMUHmuhmemmemuhmuh-muh-meme-muhmEE-memememememUHmuhMEmuh-mmmmuhMUHmeememememuhMEEmed-muhmemmudmememuhEEdiatly recover after just a few days away from school, but the speech puhpuh-problems inexplicably reappear when the subject returns to the classroom. Ununun-un-unfortunate-at-at-ately, scientists and researchers have yet to find what kuhkuh-ka-kacauses this transmission of stuh-hut-huttering, which has led to a lot of wild fabrications and spuhspuh-spec-ekek-ek-keke-ulation-ations on their part. God dammit
What do you mean huh-huh-hu-have I tried holding muhmuh-my breath? Get out of here, man, I'm stuh-uhuh-uhHILL working my article.
Possible Causes & Rem-em-emEMemedies[edit]
Because of the erratic nature of the di-uh-duhduhdisease, scientists have made little huhhehheheadwuh-wuh-way in actually determining what causes the impedimenmuh-men-ment. Some possibilities that have been proposed inen-in-inclue-loo-clude:
- The subject is really kuh-kuh-kuhcucoooooOOld: People have been noticed to develop a stuh-uhuh-uht-ter if they are shivering, perhaps due to a too cold environment. If you notice someone stut-ut-tut-utterining, immediately heat them up as quickly as possible, maybe by puhpuhpooUURING boiling water down their puhpuhpuh-trousers. If done correctly, the sufferererererER should stop stuhhututter-er-ering, and maybe let out a happy scream of thanks.
- The subject is Lou Costeh-teh-tehtello: Several comedians have built their ack-ackackts around such speeeEEEch defects because of the hilarity in recog-og-og-ognizing the inferiority of people who can't talk ruhruh-ruhight. In this case you should let out a hearty belly-laugh, and be thankank-ankan-ankful that you aren't one of those mentally deficient chu-uh-uh-chuhumps that can't string two words together, because clearly it is funny! Howow-ow-oww-oho-how-howowHOWowhoHoHoHOw-wevweevwev-ev-ev-ever you should make sure that the re-re-reason Costello is stuttering isn't because Wolfman is right behind you, because otherwise you could be in tuh-tuh-truh-truhouble!
What now? Nuhn-nuhnono, I don't want to eat a spuh-poonpoopoonful of sugar! Get out of he-huhhuh-here!
- The subject is buhbuhbebe-be-be-being electrocuted: Look for any wires attached to the suh-suh-suhuhubject. If wires are found, remove them and suheeEEEEE if the condition impro-oo-oooOOOves.
Stuh-uh-uh-uhUTTerering in Popular Culture[edit]
In most media, stutter-er-ererer-er-erEEEErRs are depicted as shy, timid people that are soulful and have hearts of gold. This is deaduhduh-dead wrong. As with most other people, people who stutter-utter are mainly jerks, and wouldn't think twice about pissing you off juh-uhhuhus-UUUUSSust the same way that anyone else would. A list of famous jerks who stu-uht-uhthututter includes (but is not limited to):
- Stevie the Steam Train
- Chelsea Clinton
- Clark Gayay-ay-aya-ayay-abuh-abuhl
- Hilary Clinton
- Lou CostostOST-OSTello (see above)
- Bill Clinton
- Oscar Wilde
- T-t-t-tuhtuhTIMMAY
- Marlon Brando
- TEH SCATMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Latasha Skurdauskas
Various othothoth-other musicians such as Avril Lavigne and 50 Cent have been labelled as stuhututututtererers, but the reality is they just are musically untalented.
AAAAH!! Wuhwuhwuh-wuhy-wuwuwuwuhyhey-hey-hye-wu-WHY'D YOU SCARE ME LIKE THAT? You cuhcuh-could've giv-iv-iv-ivenven-veeeeeeEEEEn me a hear-ar-ararar-art attack! GO BOTH-othotototh-OTHERer SOMEONEonewuh-one ELSE!
I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I am suh-suhuhuhsuhsuh-orryreeree-sorry buh-buh-buh-but because of the inin-interupuption I nuh-nuh-now havav-av to take-ake a buhbuhbuhre-reak. Here are some-ome other linkinkink-links you might find help-elp-elpful.