Internet pillaging
With the expansion of hard drives and the proliferation of 3mb cable Internet connections, denizens everywhere are able to download bigger files than ever before. Enormous files that would have taken a lifetime to download can now be acquired in just minutes. This has lead to a new Internet revolution; the downloading of Real World Items. This so-called Internet pillaging has caused controversy all over the world.
Mobsters, terrorists, college students, and other hardened criminals have now begun to save, copy, and print these items. A new free[1] attitude has taken the world by storm. If you can't afford that New Car, just download it. If you can’t afford that new six-speed double action can Altimeter, just look for it online. Need a giant monkey horde to fulfill your plans for world domination? Just go to your favorite online encyclopedia, and you'll find it filled to the brim with more monkeys than you can count. And arming them is just as easy. You can now get anything and everything you want via the exciting, dangerous (and illegal) world of Internet pillaging.
History[edit]
The first RWI[2] to ever be downloaded was an Oldsmobile in 2004. It was not a complete success, however, as several artifacts came along for the ride, which ended up making the car look covered in rust, the seats look frayed and worn, and the radio plays nothing but songs from Milli Vanilli's second album (you know. the one where they weren't lip synching). Improvements in technology have thankfully made many of these problems a thing of the distant past, and we're not talking about time-travel. Ha! That'd be silly!
On another note the uploading of RWIs has been practiced for years. The most common items uploaded were matches for socks whose mates got lost in the load and unfinished homework assignments. Many students are now downloading the partly finished, half-assed homework assignments and turning them in for partial credit.
Concern: the governments get involved[edit]
“It’s not just people’s intellectual property, it’s their actual property!” Bob Dylan, head of Internet Crime, at FBI headquarters, was said to exclaim, as he downloaded an illegal RWI Big Mac. After he took a bite, he was heard to exclaim, "Phwat! Aoo Phiven oouooa ooiossphwt ooaaun phvis!" and threw the burger in the trash.
Many governments around the globe have a growing concern for RWI downloads. “At first we thought, that this was better than marshmallows, but now we have seen some of the effects of RWIs. People are getting hurt. The economy is suffering.” Stated William Wonka, Mister of Sweets, Treats, and Candies, England.
The American government as well as several other governments who were not strong-armed into it (a "coalition of the willing") has begun to take action, but so far all of their efforts have gone to waste. Internet pillaging has declared the second-biggest threat to the world economy by Interpol, just barely behind terrorism. "It's scary, when you think about it," said Dylan. "Today, they're downloading iPods, but Tommorrow, what's to say they won't download a thermonuclear warhead and destroy their town? Without government regulation, this sort of thing is a very real danger."
People Are Getting Hurt[edit]
Many RWIs are mislabeled; sometimes you are not getting what you think you are. For example, one Marine Biology major at Dick Butkus University was doing research for a paper on prawns, but all he got was porn (Or was that the other way around?). Also, Trojan Horses have begun to pop up all over people’s front yards. Many RWI downloads are known to carry viruses such as Ebola, typoid, and Bubonic Plague. Virus scanners have not been able to keep up with the demand that RWI downloads are causing.
Despite the fact that McAfee, Symantec, and Dr. Who have all increased their staff to include RWI specialists, and that all three corporations have released new scanners as well as hazmat suits for RWI downloaders, the dangers of RWI Internet pillaging continue to threaten society,
A Question of Quantum Temporal Fluxy Thingamajigs[edit]
Lemony Snicket, children's author and expert on Quantum Temporal Fluxy things has discovered several alarming threats regarding the downloading of RWIs.
“Here, a scary question for you: where does all this matter come from?” asked Lemony Snicket. “You cannot create something from nothing. All of this downloading has a negative impact on the universe as a whole. Not to mention that by bringing all this new matter to earth is already causing the orbit to become seriously askew.” Looking slightly nervous, he added in a hushed whisper, “This is one of the signs of the apocalypse, you know. First Jar-Jar Binks, then Uncyclopedia becomes more popular than Homestar Runner, and now this. It’s over!” Soon after this statement Mr. Snicket locked himself in a bomb shelter, along with the orphans he's been using as "muses."