I ate your Haagen-Dazs
Hey, good morning, sleepyhead. Last night was pretty crazy, wasn't it? I can't believe how much we drank. Seriously, can you believe we killed that whole handle of Relska? What were we thinking? It's always a good time when I come by, isn't it?
Well, here's the thing: I think I owe you an apology. See, last night, while you were passed out, I ate your Haagen-Dazs. I know, I know, it was kind of a dick move on my part. You shouldn't eat another man's ice cream. It's kind of the Guy Code.
But I had a reason. Give me a chance to explain.
So we were drinking
...and you passed out. Man, are you ever a lightweight. Four PBRs and 10mg of Rohypnol and you're done for the night. I don't even know why you took that stuff. Well, I guess I do know why, since I ground it up and put it in your beer when you were in the bathroom. What I meant is that I don't know why I did that. Either I thought it would be a funny practical joke or else I was hoping some girls would come over spontaneously and start drinking your beer.
It's hard to say. I was kind of blacked out at the time. So I guess it's possible I put it in your drink because you were suffering from severe insomnia and panic attacks. In which case, dude: you're welcome.
I decided to play a practical joke on you
So, you were passed out on the couch, and you know that rule how, if you're all passed out from drinking too much, you're fair game for a practical joke? I didn't really have any choice other than to play a practical joke on you. It's kind of the guy code.
I thought about shaving your eyebrows or putting your hand in warm water or gluing your hand to your balls, but, you know, jokes get less funny when you repeat them over and over. I did get out the Sharpie and drew a swastika on your forehead, but, you know, it just isn't the same anymore.
But then I got this awesome idea. You're gonna love this. I went back to my car and got my scalpel and clamp and suture kit out of the glove compartment, and I sanitized the scalpel with your lighter, and I came back inside, and - get this -
I took your kidney out.
It was the best practical joke ever. It was like the mother of all practical jokes. I think this is one you're going to be able to brag about. I mean, it was my idea, but you were the recipient, so I think you get some bragging rights. Limited bragging rights.
It turned out to be easier to take out your kidney than I even thought it would be. I was going to go in laproscopically, but I realized I didn't have a laproscope. So instead I just basically cut the shit out of your left side. I was pretty tanked, so the incision was a bit crooked. Well, I guess, technically, the incisions were a bit crooked. Then I clamped the renal vein, transected the kidney, pulled it out, and closed. It was actually a pretty tight stitching job, considering. I'm pretty proud of it.
Oh, by the way, I can't find my clamp. I'm gonna need that back. Any time would be fine, really.
So anyway, then I took the Sharpie and drew a little smiley face on your kidney and took a picture. It was awesome. I wanted to glue googly eyes to it, but I went through your desk and you were all out of googly eyes. By the way, I owe you a condom.
Then I started getting tired
Like I said, I was pretty hammered, and I was actually starting to get the spins a bit, so I thought maybe I'd drink some water and go to bed, but then I realized your kidney was probably going to need to be put on some ice. A lot of guys wouldn't have even thought of that, but what are friends for?
So I went to the fridge, but it turns out you don't have an ice dispenser. All your ice is in those stupid little trays. And I can't be fucked with that. So I thought about calling the whole thing off and go to bed, when I noticed you had a carton of Haagen-Dazs. And I thought, "Hey, I could put the kidney in there!"
But when I opened it up, it was like three quarters full. And there's no way you can squeeze a kidney into that little space at the top. I know - I tried. So I thought, well, I'm gonna have to eat that down to at least half empty before I can fit this kidney in there. So I started eating the Haagen-Dazs, and, man, that stuff was delicious. I got down to half empty and I just couldn't stop eating. Turns out I ate all of it.
Oh, and also, while I was eating, I had this hilarious idea - what if you changed your name to "Dazs?" Then someone could say "Quit hoggin' the Haagen-Dazs, Dazs!" Man, that would be funny.
Anyway, after that, I was realllly tired and drunk, so I just passed the fuck out. I think I left your kidney on the counter or something.
Oh, yeah
Neil came over this morning and said you were looking pretty pale and bloody and we should take you to the hospital. So we called you a cab. Yeah, I know, you're welcome. Oh, and by the way, you owe me $20.
Although, come to think of it, that Haagen-Dazs must have cost like five bucks, so just give me fifteen and we'll call it even.
We've totally got to do this again sometime, dude.
See Also
 Cream of the CrapThis article was one of the Top 10 articles of 2009.
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