HowTo:Work at Target
|It is requested that an image or images be included in this article to improve its quality.
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Congratulations! No doubt this is your first successful attempt to gain a foothold in the retail world! We here at Target are glad to have a new meat slave, I mean, team member here with us at the work farm. Please take the next eight and a half hours of your orientation to relax 'cause, after today, you are hostages and need to get used to pushing clearance and going up for backup so familiarize yourself with our company and its goals! We look forward to draining your happiness away from you and watching our profits rise ever so slightly.
Your Core Roles
No doubt you have spent ample time at various other jobs and are perfectly sure of what you want to do in our store. That's nice. But we here at Target have niches to fill and unexpected vacancies that need to be, perhaps, less vacant. Therefore, you will be assigned to a job that requires fresh meat, I mean, experience and dedication. Prepare to work all holidays be denied vacation and miss the birth of you first child. And if you're lucky, they might let you out of your cage to visit your grandma's grave since you missed her funeral. These jobs are as follows:
Your job working on the sales floor is one of mystery and excitement! Surely you have wondered at some point, 'who is responsible for keeping these stores so clean and not frightening enough to cause me to flee screaming?' That could be your job! Sales floor employees are to keep our store organized and not smelling like a rancid jock strap used by an entire army of fat homeless people. You will be required to organize shelves, answer questions no matter how stupid or pointless, restock items that have been misplaced, reinforce support beams, find unattended children who will be sold to the circus, capture stray pets, work as a cashier on several occasions without warning, bring forth items from the back, sign treaties, and put back items you may or may not have found at other stores such as top secret WMD topics. In other words, a Sales Floor team member is to do nearly anything at any time,whether it be servicing a women no matter the age, weight, looks, and as is often the case, many things at the same time. But you might survive, as some do, and you will be bestowed with an incredible capability to multitask as well as creatively lie your way out of any situation: if you have no other choice you must summon your inner David Bowie, point your finger at the arising situation, and say 'ch, ch, ch, ch, changes!' all the while. At any time that the team member cannot handle the assigned tasks, the team member must get in his or her car, find a cliff, and drive right off it (into it is okay too).
Fitting Room Operator
As Operator you are responsible for answering sex phone calls, counting peoples items and vigorously shaking and smelling them basically to let them know that you think they are kleptomaniacs and to think twice about stealing that grandma sweater they're about to try on, page team members hundreds of times when they clearly don't respond, do HR's work by calling people that are obviously incapable of thinking and offer them a job, deal with snotty housewives that get angry because you wont let them try on underwear way over their std filled muffins and hang clothing that has been severely strechted out because it didn't fit the fat ass lady that thought she was a size 2, But don't worry: you get a chair, but because your so busy doing other shit you won't get to sit in it; this chair will mock you over and over.
It is the goal of the Cashier to ensure that our guests spend as little time as possible actually purchasing items, because as Spot's Third Law of Guest Dynamics states, The amount of items purchased is inversely proportional to the amount of time they have to reconsider what they are purchasing. Ergo, the more you delay, the more likely they are to discover that mirror is little more than cheap plastic and aluminum foil. Our cash registers have patented technology designed by Germans that examines your speed and takes action should performance slip. Our minimum requirement is approximately fifteen guests a minute, regardless of amount of items or how fast that old lady writes a check or the fact that there's a significant delay between pushing a button and the next screen showing. Due to the rise of the credit card era, all cashiers are required to force credit applications on little old people with hearing loss, small children who are too young to understand, and your ever-so-popular white trash redneck trying to save 12 cents on a $1.25 pack of used chewing gum.
Your register may be equipped with several features
- A small 8" CRT display. You will notice that the interface from the POS software used ten years ago is still burned into the screen.
- A printer type device. This is where the receipt comes out and checks go in. Both are equally likely to jam up.
- A keyboard. There are several important buttons on this
- K1-K8 - These are function keys that do various things. You will notice that the 'K8' button is broken because it gets pressed every time a guest does not want to apply for a Target credit card.
- Mainframe - Do not under any circumstances press this button.
- Addl. Asst. - This red button, in theory, summons other team members to help you when the lines get too long. Like the Help button, it doesn't actually do anything.
- Scanner - This is the thing that beeps when you put items on it.
- Credit card reader thingy - This is what the guest uses to process their payment. Note that despite the directions on the screen, people will always press the wrong button for credit (after further instruction from the cashier, the guest will be adamant that they pressed the correct button and it is simply faulty hardware to blame for the persistent, loud buzzing noise.
Hotly disputed is the severity of the work done by the back room worker. The casual bystander will see little of these shy creatures and assume no work is done, but any other Target team member knows better. They know the back room team member actually does a lot; after all, someone needs to get that fish bowl out! Their duties are far more limited than the sales floor, being little more than 'go fetch'. California Targets have experimented with using genetically enhanced super-canines (see SPOT, below) in lieu of back room workers. The experiment is still being evaluated and perhaps this particular line of work will not be available when your number is called.
The three primary castes listed above are vital to the survival of Target and its profits, but other employees do similarly useful tasks. However, positions such as Team Leaders and Assets Protection are drawn from enlisted, not drafted, team members.
Food Avenue is Target's own food service brand. Here you'll engage in stimulating activities such as making popcorn, washing your hands, and cleaning up the ICEE stains (as every single person who uses the ICEE machine will spill some) This is the place where you can go to eat during breaks. Food Avenue has an extensive menu consisting of popcorn, hotdogs, and pretzels. They call for the cart attendant all the time because these little old ladies can't lift the fucking sodas/popcorn and all their other shit.
You are basically what I like to call miscellaneous man. You basically get to do what no one else wants to do. If you don't like getting attention or recognition, pushing carts (just one of the "fun" things you get to do...) is the job for you. Accept the position thinking your only going to push cats, well you'll soon learn that was one big misinterpretation. You go a million miles per hour trying to get everything done, all while be pulled in 8 zillion different directions, being told to do this and that and this again. Your supervisors will forget about you and ask where you have been for the last 45 minuets as if you didn't exist, unless you can't keep with carts (which is sometimes impossible with all the other shit you have to do, distributing hand baskets, helping guests out to their cars, cleaning the bathrooms/shit...yes I said SHIT..., cleaning up spills, stocking spill stations, sorting defective merchandise, helping at the register, dumping hangers/used bags(and finding a hanger bin or bag bin sometimes is impossible), getting bags/supplies for front lanes, emptying the garbage, and much much more! Sometimes there is new shit you didn't even know you were supposed to do.
Also, you have the fun job of taking defectives back to the compactor. Good luck finding a backroom person to unlock it for you while you wait, and wait, and wait, and wait some more. You also have to listen to the GSTL ask for your location and why your other shit hasn't been done. Well shit... go figure.
If Target didn't have Cart Attendants they would be so screwed, and wouldn't have a clue what to do.
Guest Services is a very important part of the Target shopping experience. Here you'll explain to guests that they can't return those pants they purchased last year using cash. You'll also tell everyone about the return policy, which is also stated on every register and on the back of every receipt. But dont worry, you get to call the cart attendant to take care of all the rest of your shit.
Guest Service Attendant
Targets bottom line screwage of a GSTL. You have the roles and responsibilities of a GSTL with rats' shit pay of what a REAL GSTL makes because you are a regular team member (slave). Sure, you can have an ego the size of Jupiter because you just owned the cashier who deserved that position after 5 and a half years of pretty much doing what you are about to do and are now in charge of them, and boss around your other Cashiers, have nada clue how important your cart attendant really is and treat him like your bitch; but you get still get the important manager keys and walkie and walk around like you're the shit. The best way to identify a GSA from a GSTL is the brown floaties in their eyes.
Your true cashiers will know how ignorant you are because of you asking other cashiers questions you are supposed to know. You will get no responses to the front end for backup cashiers. Daily, your cashier will come thank you with their special jingle "fast,fun, and FUBAR (F*cked Up Beyond All Repair."