HowTo:Survive the apocalypse

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Has it been 25 nuclear winters since the big boom or the grey goo and your either busy trying to make ends meet mowing the fields of zombie flesh outside your compound with a machete after watching your neighbors descend into cannibalism or recycling scrap metal along the abandoned highway to make bullets just to see them bounce off the latest model of terminators? Well, read this article to increase your survival by a guaranteed 25%. (No refunds)

Day 1

Day 1 - Welcome to the first day of your (miserable) new life. To think that it was only yesterday that you had to go to court for a parking ticket. But out here, since there are no rules, your parking ticket isn't a problem. Day 1 is always the hardest day for anyone. You have just witnessed over 6 billion people get wiped off the face of the Earth, hopefully in the blink of an eye and not slowly as an Artificial Intelligence's lab rat or as human cattle for your new alien overlords. You have to find shelter, weapons, food and other people (unless you're the last of your species, which would just be sad). There are some perks though, like the fact that you can now drive a tank in Los Angeles, California with out anyone trying to arrest you! That is if all the tanks haven't blown up or something.

Toronto never looked so Beautiful.

Oh no, it's far worse than this.

Day 2

Day 2 is difficult for human survivors because they have not yet adjusted to the newly radiated world in which everything wants to kill you. Many of the wastelands veterans suggest that inexperienced survivors take a walk in the bombed out park, watch a stranded man get eaten by some zombies or build up reasonable fortress of abandoned cars to defend against sentinels.

Day 3

Die of radiation poisoning.

Address the Situation

Well, are you going to fight? Or notsissy? Find out what you're up against! Hey, you could be the next John Conner. What are you fighting? Machines/Zombies/Disease(or old people//Yourself/Politics/gangs/Diseased-Mechanical-Zombies gangs)? Which one are you most scared of? Which one do you worry about? Which one will you live through? Will society ever be revived? Who should you trust? These are all questions you should be asking yourself even though these questions don't really matter anymore because your going to die (or worse- gang raped by angry diseased-mechanical-zombies!) anyway.

Preparedness

In the case of a zombie apocolypse, you would be dead without preparation and some know-how. So pay attention!

The first key to survival is knowing how to survive the initial brunt of the apocalypse, which in this case, is a nuclear explosion. Many people think under a table is a great place to hide in the event of a nuclear holocaust. What do you think this is, an earthquake!? You wouldn't want to hide under a table... or inside any fallout shelter... or even underground! Why? Because my little cousin could break a table and he's six years old!! Secondly, the fallout shelter would take too long to dig underground and you can't breathe underground, can you? Underground real estate is only getting more expensive, although it's dirt cheap compared to an underwater sealab. The best thing for you to do is hope to land a spot in a Vault Tec fallout shelter and cross your fingers that you and your new neighbors for life are selected for a good human experiment. Preferably with some radioactive beer, decades old canned food and a can do attitude!

Supplies

There's nothing like the smell of chemical weapons through a filter of you're own urine.

You should always have supplies. Even more so in the event of an apocalypse. You should try to find these things but choose wisely (because you ain't some awesome video-game protagonist who can carry about 24 rifles and 32 other firearms and not even look fat). Even if you are able to carry it all - YOU will look fat! In any apocalypse, it is highly advised that you carry the following items (at bare minimum):

1. Flashlight: The new world might be dark because of all the fallout so pack a few of these. And don't forget the batteries, Einstein!
2. Shotgun: Any type would be good for shooting zombies' heads off.

When encountering Zombies, just think of the Paparazzi and blast their brains off!

1. Pistol: Your sidearm is a great defense against fresh fruit and also headcrabs.
2. M16, M4A1, Ak-47: Every disaster movie has these, so carry at least seven of each. (With ammo - You wanna kill, right? So pack some ammo!)
3. RPG-7: There might be Terminators in the destroyed future.
4. Minigun with Exploding Bullets: You don't think you're going to kill a Terminator with BB gun, are you?
5. A giant pair of gonads: Believe me these will come in handy.

Perfect example!

1. Model 1887: If Denzel Washington carries one of these, why can't you?Well he doesn't really carry one in any of his movies but it would be cool if he did.
2. Sunglasses: Because they make you look badass.
3. Condom: Does this really need an explanation?
4. Health Points: A GameShark helps here.
5. Crowbar: Well, if some scientist guy who wore glasses survived a entire game with one, why can't you?
6. AMMO: Your guns will be lonely without it. (And you will be dead)
7. Friendship: Always good for cannon fodder. And if of the correct gender, also serves for entertainment.
8. Boat: Some one might have left their sprinklers on for a hundred years and flooded the Earth.
9. Plane: If the world is flooded, you could fly to Mt. Everest. Unless you forgot to put fuel in the plane.
10. Fuel: For that plane to fly to Mt. Everest.
11. Bicycle: Zombies can't ride bicycles, they don't use up precious gasoline, and you'll probably want the outdoors exercise if you've been living in an underground fallout shelter.
12. Gas Mask: The world will be smelly after the Apocalypse. Believe me.

Things to do in the future

25 nuclear winters ago, everybody you knew left you to live in paradise in the glorious land of Heaven; at least that's the way the Mormon and Seventh Day Adventist survivalists teach it. The good were all raptured up to heaven on a mushroom cloud leaving you behind to suffer. As of now, you are probably lying in a ditch with radioactive water pouring into your giant mutant insect bites - ready to die. But you're not going to die, are you now? You have an entire life to live - so you better make it rad er..grand! For example, you can travel to Washington D.C and live in the white house and start your own community and eventually evolve it into a civilization. Congratulations!! You survived to see civilization again! (Now make this guide your new Bible!) Either that or you can still live in that ditch fighting hyper intelligent raccoons and rabbits. Just remember - keep your shades on.

Things NOT to Do in the Future

So the apocalypse has happened, all your family is dead and most of the modern world has crumbled into various fractions and groups probably along ancient cultural divides. You are the last survivor and become a trench coat wearing lone wolf because you know chicks dig that. Except one small thing... just one cut is enough to kill you. That's right you can be the most badass road warrior on Earth who has killed entire legions of corrupted machines and radioactive zombies until you trip and scrape your knee. You see, before the apocalypse, people had technology and computers and where able to see these incredibly small bugs called bacteria. Bacteria are like Nazis. They kill anything that's not them. They also reproduce rapidly and they are pretty much everywhere (and by everywhere I mean everywhere). Once these germs get inside you, they pretty much fuck shit up. Unless bandits and resistance members haven't raided the local pharmacy or hospital, you're most likely going to die a slow, agonizing death because there will be no bacteria-killing medicine, assuming it wasn't a drug resistant mutant super bug or alien influenza from a meteor that did this in the first place. Tough luck, kid!

Things to worry about

• Radiation: You ever read a comic book about some guy who falls in radiation and gives him super powers Well, that's all wrong. The only thing you will get with radiation is Super Cancer!

WARNING: Radiation kills 12% of survivors every year.

• Gangs: If they are bad on this site- then they must be bad in life of the future.

What to do if you confront them: Cut their arms off or unload them with lead/spears (or lead-spears, if you have some).

• Terminators: These hellspawns will make your life miserable.

What to do if you confront them: Run like hell, try shooting them. (But not like a sissy - they hate sissies! Hell, everybody hates sissies! Except, perhaps, sissies themselves).

• Cannibals: Watch out for these bastards, as they will tell you Come, stay! We will take care of you.

What to do if you confront them: Just shoot them.

• Zombies: These beasts will kill you and force you to commit adultery.

What to do if you confront them: Just shoot them.

• Hitch-hikers: You have seen Book of Eli, right? Just remember - they don't use soap, so you can smell them a mile away. (However, if you yourself don't use soap, you will probably smell like shit and are likely to smell yourself nd think it is a hitch-hiker's scent.)

What to do if you confront them: Unload a clip on them. Or two, just to show that you are really BADASS!

• People Who Wear Bandannas: You can only trust them if they are your friends, but then again who can you trust?!

What to do if you confront them: Same thing as above. Just fight them on a abandoned oil rig or base, for a change of scenery.

• Cults: These people promise you that God will save us, even though God abandoned us 25 winters ago.

What to do if you confront them: Easy - Use your gun.

• Militia Groups: These people where once like you except they have more guns than you.

What to do if you confront them: Shoot them and infiltrate their outposts.

• Deserted Hospitals: They will always have zombies or something in it! Or thieves who want your guns and supplies.

WARNING: Stay away from these, unless you feel BADASS (P.S. If you feel too much badass, you may just be suffering from badass-etaria).

Occupations in the Future

Well, now that your formerly advance -thinking society has crumbled. So where are you going to find a job?

• Gang Member: These people will rob you and make you a part of them. So you might as well join them, if you run out of ammo. Or if you like their outfits. Or both!
• Travelers: Watch Book of Eli and you will find out. No seriously, it's a good movie!
• Other Jobs: Well, I can't name them all, because that will ruin the surprise!
• Resistance Member: You want to be a rag-tag group of soildiers who are just there for decoration and die oftenly? Then pick this.
• Mercenary: The crumbling governments and armies of the future may need your special skills to fight for salvation. Plus being a mercenary is badass!
• None of Them: Well, there is no leader forcing you to join a job, but who needs other people to save civilization, when all you need is yourself and a pair of shades? Just go and hide in that ditch we talked about earlier, ok?
• Caesar's Legion: The name sounds cool, so do that - you want to be cool! Go on, all the cool kids are doing it... Well, what is left of the cool kids.
• Baby Maker: This job is for the ladies assuming they aren't now green and bigger than the men. Nothing more than pleasure and extreme pain.

Conclusion

Even so, after all of this preparation and gathering of supplies, you will still die in the apocalypse if you forget the most important thing: Repopulate the world! (F*ck!!) Did I mention that? No? Well I just did, so Good! It is a good chance that you will get to see the horrors of the New World so enjoy sex now being your greatest duty to society! Have a nice day! If you can still manage to!! And if you are still alive!!