HowTo:Survive a Zombie Outbreak
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In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, the United States government launched an extensive study chronicling the readiness of the government to respond to various natural disasters possible in American life. One of the more shocking findings of the study was that the American people were shockingly under-prepared for a zombie outbreak. To address this situation, we have provided the following basic guide to surviving a zombie outbreak. It is crucial to your survival that you have a "zombie plan," that is, a plan that you can implement in the very likely case of a zombie attack.
What to do During an Outbreak
Here are the two best options if these options fail we suggest you read the rest of this article.
TIP: We suggest You to not trust anybody while in a Zombie outbreak, but, if you must, don't be sure to search them for a bite extensively... a zombie could bite anywhere.
Look For Frank West
Look for photojournalist Frank West. He should be carrying a camera or Dr Barnaby and about 10 weapons depending how far through the game he is, and dressed in either a brown suit and loafers or something completely stupid, like gym shorts and a Lego man helmet. If you can find Frank, stay with him and you will survive the outbreak, unless Frank dies from 2 minutes of not having food.
Look For Bill, Francis, Louis and Zoey
Enough said. It is guaranteed they will eliminate any zombie-related threat. They will pretty much survive any zombie related threat. But be warned, the rescue that they find always draws in a horde of zombies and never lasts long.
Look for the S.T.A.R.S. Team
Nuff said. Just watch out not to run out of Green Herbs. Or else.
Look for anyone carrying a Zombie Survival Guide Handbook
Just be mindful of the constant 'I KNEW THIS WAS COMING!' crazy rants that this person is most likely to splew out.
What is a Zombie?
There are multiple definitions of the word zombie. The dictionary defines zombie as "an animated corpse that feeds on living flesh." Other sources define zombie as "One who moves or acts as if in a daze" or "a member of Congress" or "a Voodoo snake god." While snake gods are interesting, this how-to article will deal with only the first and second definitions of zombie. While Chavs were once thought to be zombies it has been recently proven that it is not the case. It would be an insult to zombies if they were even contemplated to be in the same category as Chavs. Such contemplators were subsequently eaten.
Evaluating A Zombie
There are a plethora of zombie varieties and each type has different strengths and weaknesses you should be aware of should you want to live. It is rare for any two zombie invasions to be exactly the same so even if you have survived one, do not arrogantly assume a second will be the same. The key here is observation. Around 80 to 90 percent of all zombie invasions are preceded by the scattered appearance of lone zombies. It is extremely rare for a whole horde to appear without warning. These zombie forerunners are your chance to study the enemy. Remember that the media will always fail to take the threat seriously and will downplay the appearances as some freaky disease, alien invasion, Muslim terrorism, illegal immigration, food poisoning, a militant gay pride group, democrats, etc. DO NOT LOWER YOUR GUARD. Gather some friends, check the weaponry section below, and seek lone zombies in dark, creepy areas.
There are two main brands of zombie in respect to how they gather. Some varieties gather in great hordes and move down the streets blatantly. The other option is zombies who are generally found alone or in small groups and hide inside buildings.
- Horde zombies are dangerous to combat effectively. They require much more potent weaponry to approach with confidence, but are easier to flee and avoid. Horde zombies tend to be less intelligent than the more hermit like breeds. Most zombies move slowly, with awkward gaits, but this is especially true of hordes. Fast zombies are unable to remain in a cohesive horde and quickly break apart into hunter packs. Hordes should not be faced aggressively. Only attack with a solid escape plan in place, and even then only attack if you have massive weaponry. The recommended tactic is to use tall buildings and any news reports that manages to broadcast during the invasion to keep tabs on the horde's location. However, if you notice a piece of flesh fall off the anchorperson's face, ignore anything they have to say about how to avoid the zombies. Stay ahead of the horde and flee quickly. Stay out of the zombies' sight and leave some space between you and them. Most hordes include a few zombies wandering off a bit on their own. These loners may raise an alarm before you can deal with them, drawing the horde to you. When fleeing a horde, silence is key; favor melee weapons and fleeing to conventional combat. If you can get away from the city, do not stop in the suburbs. Though initially zombie free, suburbs will draw smaller packs from the main zombie horde, and occasionally have zombified animals or more diverse -often physically superior- zombies holed up in houses, farms, etc. You must choose from two final destinations: government shelters and the wilderness, although a reinforced refugee camp may be tempting, the horde will always reach it sooner or later. Government shelters have the advantage of armored exteriors, food stores, and military defense...however, if the horde seems like it may succeed in wiping out civilization or they are the reason that the zombie outbreak occurred in the first place,they are a poor choice, especially given recent budget cuts. To limit infiltration points, such bases have few entrances, and thus escaping a massed zombie attack will be impossible. The wilderness is not very habitable to zombies and is only rarely invaded. The exception to this rule is swampland which should be circumvented if encountered. Zombies' slow gaits and clumsy movements make it especially hard for them to travel over unpaved ground. They ARE easy prey for most predators, but this results in zombified animals. However, in the wilderness, it is easier for fungi and bacteria to break the zombies down. The only problem with a wilderness destination is YOUR ability to survive there. Print off a wilderness survival guide before fleeing and look for high ground.
- While they move with a slower gait than normal Horde Zombies, Fat Zombies are a formidable foe. For some reason unknown to science today (perhaps transition of fat into muscle from whatever made them a zombie.), the transition from "Fat Person" to "Fat Zombie" gives super strength and an unchallenged resistance to bullets and rockets. In some cases they have been known to explode when shot, causing anyone in a large radius around them to be burned with acid, so it's best to kill them from a range. You had best hope to some kind of deity that when you encounter Fat Zombies that you're either a good distance away and/or you have some team-mates with you. At the beginning of the Zombie Outbreak automatically assess your team and flag the most useless member - keep this member with you at all times because he/she are an invaluable tool against Fat Zombies. Even though the Zombification changes their strength, the Fat Zombie's gluttony stays exactly the same so if you were to throw this team-member at them, they will stop following you and gorge. When you are a reasonable distance away from a Fat Zombie, get your team to focus fire on that one zombie Aim for the legs first, as it will force the fatty to crawl. Conventional Zombie killing tactics are not as effective against fat zombies. To render one to an almost completely harmless state, you must shoot off all extremities - Arms, Legs and Head. Suggested weapons are powerful sniper rifles, rockets and chainsaws. Please note that if you are close enough to use a chainsaw, you are likely about to die so think happy thoughts.
- Grue Zombies, grues who have (somehow) died and became zombies. There is really no way to kill grue zombies unless you have Chuck Norris or can successfully pull off the shoop da whoop.
- Camper zombies, zombies who hide and wait for prey, are the other common type. Campers hide in darkened corridors, side rooms, and even in the drywall. They prefer to wait for their prey to come near and then burst out and seize the victim. When dealing with campers, a smart survivor favors lighter weaponry that can be used safely at short range. One very effective but rarely used tactic is to keep a dog with you. Zombies are surprisingly adept at hiding despite their dim wits, but canines easily detect the rotting odor that emanates from their hiding places. When facing camper zombies, move slowly and keep a sharp eye on your surroundings for hints of an upcoming attack. Clues include a rank smell, eerie music, and long periods without zombies. If traveling in a group it's not a bad idea to hole up in a room for rest as long as two people are awake at all times to ensure the guard does not fall asleep. Open areas and wall hack cheats are your friends when facing campers. Do not split up to look for this type of zombie, as it is almost guaranteed the least important members of your group will be taken by the zombie and added to its ranks.
- Fast Zombies are some of your most dreaded enemies when facing legions of the undead. Fast Zombies can vary in many ways, but the main item is that their entire physique (i.e. rotting of fat, skin, veins, and organs.) is morphed to allow them to strike fast. The majority of fast zombies have been found to have been overzealous gym instructors and annoying co-workers who won't let go of the "Can do attitude" even post-mortem. Most of the time the Fast Zombies are very skinny as opposed to their horde friends and as a consequence are much less resistant. Their most prized weapon is surprise. Thee best way to take out a Fast Zombie is by rapid-fire or wide area explosives. Shotguns are very useful because if you don't hit them while they're bearing down on you (well if you cannot hit something with a shotgun then you probably deserve to be a zombie anyway) then you still have a very heavy thing to hit them with.
Remember, when you see a cloud of zombies which seems too much of a simple target, it probably is. Keep a loaded shotgun nearby, and watch the rooftops - Most of the time the horde is very one minded following the "kill-eat-move on to the next guys" mantra, but sometimes "Smart Zombies" co-ordinate them so the Fast Zombies and the Horde Zombies work together. Please see below for advice on Smart Zombies.
- Elvis Impersonator Zombies These are usually the rarest, if not the most entertaining variety of undead you may encounter. They can be easily identified by their signature hairdo, glittery pretentious suits, and trademark lurching walk which they plagiarized from Elvis. Which isn't really even a walk, since they don't actually get anywhere. The best place to avoid this zombie is anywhere but Las Vegas or Canadian Las Vegas.
- When you know a Smart Zombie is around, the best thing you can do is avoid him at all costs. Smart Zombies have the ability to set up and carry out plans. If there's one around, then there are likely several zombies gathering. Smart Zombies are a rare type.
- Sewer Zombies like to spend all their time in sewers and in drain areas, they are afraid of light so taking a flashlight is a good idea. A better idea is to just avoid sewers. As a matter of fact, you should avoid all places with low visibility and no cover, as this means the zombies darker coloration and slow movement speed will not make much of a difference, whereas a well lit, cluttered area will often make zombies stumble about opening them to fire..
- Lady Zombies are exactly what they sound like. Every necrophiliacs nightmare, they are girl zombies. But surprisingly, they're not that different from the live ones, they still moan and groan about the men never taking them anywhere.
- The Zombie.....Chuck Norris!!!, this is the most dangerous zombie ever. Some of the zombie abilities he is theorized to possess include infecting people by burping on them, complete cellular regeneration (means he can't be killed. Ever.), shooting lasers from his and every other zombies left eye, shooting lava from his and every other zombies right eye and round house kicking holes in the space-time continuum. Luckily, the Zombie Chuck Norris made mistake early by approach Zombie Hunter Tony Jaa who not only smash its brain but also every single piece of bone in single blow (along with all bystanders, undead or not).
- Animal Zombies Depend on your luck. A zombie snail is most common but they're totally harmless. Other kind of animal zombie do exist. Some of these are "dog" zombies. If a zombie gets to be this big, then it's lethal. However, since much of it's muscle has degraded by then, it won't be able to catch you. (THANK GOD!!!) If a CHEETAH zombie attacks you, even without it's degraded muscle, then you're fucking screwed.
- 'Peanut zombies'
A.K.A.The Terrors of the junkyard,these vermicious brutes Wander the junkyards, in poorly built helies, or controlling guns. Avoid these brutes, they have a leader, Project #295. He has two dual glocks, and is not afraid to use it.beware the ultimate power!Since the zombies corrupted the rest of the info, i think you should find out more about these peanut zombies.
- Ninja/Samurai/Ghengis Khan Zombies
Once feared and respected warriors of Japan, the zombie infection has made them some of the most terrifying zombies to invade your country. All have high level martial arts skills and requires extreme weapon tactics to wipe out; if using hand-to-hand combat, the chances are you will not survive. However, if you get lucky and manage to kill one, it will yield a Katana as a weapon drop, which can upgrade a basic Asian to Ultimate Asian.
Method of Transmission
In order to get infected by a zombie, you need to be bitten, or bite one of them, although I have no idea why you would ever want to. The saliva and blood of a zombie have the potential to infect a person and eventually turn them, so keep your mouth shut if you're the dumbass using a chainsaw. To be honest I prefer a good old fashioned flamethrower to burn those sumbitches where they stand.
Zombies are as a rule dumb as hell (excluding the rare Smart Zombie), especially if you live in the Deep South. There are rare exceptions in which zombies learn not to walk on land mines or that electrocution will put them down for good. If you encounter these zombies, then pray to God you took Garry Kasparov (or better yet, Deep Blue) into your hideout, you're going to need someone smart to stay alive. Plus, if you like getting your ass beat at chess, bonus!
Preparation is essential for surviving a Zombie Outbreak. Note: Being prepared for a Zombie Outbreak is sometimes referred to as having a 'Zombie Plan' write that down so when someone asks you if you have a 'Zombie Plan' you don't look like a total NOOB!!!
“Zombie Plan, what is a Zombie Plan”
“I don't have a zombie plan, I have 37 different zombie plans”
“Wow Sarge 37, I know i don't normally compliment you Sarge but that's preparation”
“Shut up you! 36 of those 37 involve using your dead carcass as a distraction or bait... and the last one i knowingly infect myself with the zombie virus just so i can feed on you flesh”
Outlined below are the steps that should be followed to prepare for a potential zombie attack:
Things To Consider
- The type of Zombie You Face
- Grab some pills and health packs
- Your Placement/Movement
- Nearness to a source of fire
Chainsaw- Most of all Resident Evil or horror films and countless Hollywood scenes show the awesome power of the chainsaw. As cool as it is though, it ranks very low on the practical zombie-killing weapon list. The lightest chainsaw recorded was 25 pounds and it won't do you very good carrying that VERY heavy object around, while running from a crowd of pale-skinned freaks intent on eating you. Will it? Didn't think so. Chainsaws are freakin' hard to control, so you might be trying to behead a zombie but you can't guarantee it won't turn on you and slice your own damn head off in the process. In addition, once the fuel runs out, it's as useful as a giant spoon. Finally, if you do manage to get used to the weight and how to kill zombies with it, it will only do good against 1-to-8 zombies, not a WHOLE FUCKING SWARM, because as soon as you use it on those few 8 zombies, the roar will attract A LOT of zombies from miles around, rendering the chainsaw a veritable lunch bell. Unless you can do an indefinite spinning attack with your chainsaw. Also Chainsaws need gas, imagine how much it costs to kill only 12 zombies?
Lawn Mower- All the same problems as Chainsaw, with even greater problems. You know how hard one of those things are to lift, let alone to a position that the blades can even do their work. Also, it is not made to be lifted up into the air, so even if you can lift the mower, it will not stay up there for long. It might of looked cool in Brain Dead, it will never work.
Slingshot- It wouldn't be the wisest of choices. Using it against a zombie will only alert it to your presence, stupid. Unless you throw a bomb with it.
Edged Weapons- Imagine using a sword to kill a crowd of zombies and you stab some zombie through the skull in the brain. Now imagine you turn to the zombie behind you to do the same, only to realize that it's stuck on the first zombie that you stabbed and you can't seem to get it back.......not a pretty picture, is it? So use one without a serrated edge. Unless you are a skilled fencer, this is an inadvisable choice.
Katana Meant to slice a zombies head clean off their shoulders rather then trying to stab them to death. Cuts through dead (And live people alike) like a hot knife through butter, don't forget to keep your blade clean by spinning it in your hand and fanning the blood everywhere like a bad ass.
- Pistol: short range, small clip, small bullet, only use on small groups, otherwise you are dead (or undead).
- Sub-machine gun: decent gun against zombies, it can be useful against large groups of Horde Zombies. sprays a lot of bullets at a high rate of fire but ammunition will run out quickly. Note that SMGs don't have the stopping power of an assault rifle but it shouldn't matter unless you are fighting zombified military personnel and police who wear bulletproof vests.
- Rifle: okay, but only at long range, and only if you can get consistent head shots. Also you a screwed if you have a bolt action verse a Fast Zombie.
- Assault Rifle: Much better, make sure to reload often though, that full auto will dry out that ammo at all the wrong times (like when a zombie is stuffing your own arm up your ass).
- Shotgun: The second best weapon for zombies, there buck shots will blow off the heads of several zombies, the person who is carrying a shotgun will survive most zombie outbreaks. Also makes you feel like a badass. It is only surpassed by...
- Automatic shotgun: ...which is proven to deal with zombie groups of any size! Note, high recoil might send the user through a wall after 12 shots.
- Large Minigun: will kill a lot of zombies, and is fun! Though whoever is using it will die just as his buddies got to relative safety.
....not sure if that is the best idea, but just remember it's your
funeral JOINING THE LEGIONS OF THE UNDEAD. So if you REALLY want to use it and see what happens, by all means go ahead (dumbass). If you are dumb smart enough to do this, make sure you have a friend tape it and stick it up on Youtube, you will get more hits then Achmed the Dead Terrorist, easy.
Blunt weapons- Using a baseball bat, cricket bat, or a sledgehammer is one of the most effective way to kill a zombie because you can use it over and over again, it does not get stuck to zombies, it is quiet, fun, will never run out of ammo and it is easy to carry (note that the 1.5 lb chainsaw was "VERY heavy", but the sledgehammer is "easy to carry").
Crowbar- This is considered by many veteran zombie hunters as the ultimate melee weapon against zombies thus earning it a separate mention from its closest classification Blunt weapons. It's a simple weapon to use but to master it requires almost divine help. One such man who has mastered this weapon is the legendary Dr. Gordon Freeman who is quoted "zombies, zombines, supply boxes, civil protection... the crowbar works against anything, admittedly this is his only known quote"
Mop If there are no other blunt weapons available, you can always run to that janitorial closet(provided you didn't stuff zombies in there earlier) and take out a Long, Wooden, MOP! Only to be used against 5-6 zombies, otherwise the long and heavy mop may sort of, backfire on you.
Weed Whacker- Insert into the mouth and let the fun begin (not usable for groups, will become the zombie's "fun")!
Flame Thrower- A flame thrower is relatively inexpensive to put together and fairly cheap to run (except in the UK where we get screwed on everything) and is capable of destroying MASSES of zombies! Not only will you catch the majority of them on fire, they will then touch other zombies setting them on fire! The only downside to a flamethrower would be the presence of the "Smart Zombie" who would utilize his burning comrades to effectively, create a massive Zombie Fireball capable of a whole mess of destruction. Forget that the zombie survival guide said that it sucks, it is really cool except for the fuel tank part. Use only on smaller hordes, or lone zombies if you fancy a cheap laugh. One other thing it consider is "Is my building/shelter/etc... fireproof or at least fire resistant?" As given the level of intelligence of a zombie one flaming zombie may set light to your fortress.
Cleaver- This weapon is an almost worthless melee weapon. Although it may strike fear into the living, the undead fear nothing. It should not be used, other than to create a moment that you sacrifice yourself in order to buy a group of people more time.
Rocket Propelled Velociraptors- Seriously, what can't this weapon kill? A relatively light weight bazooka looking thing that is best used against Hordes out in the open. Just pump a few savage, clawed, extinct reptiles into the crowd and watch these ancient predators tear the zombies limb from limb! However, dealing with the (possibly zombified) raptors afterwards may be a problem. Make sure your bio-ammo is wearing the latest mind-control devices before use. This could make all the difference in not only saving the world, but possibly taking it over afterwards, if you are an evil genius.
Hand Grenades of any Type- All in all this weapon is relatively useless for a series of reasons Reason 1: Unless you are using a Fragmentation Grenade (and are EXTREMELY LUCKY) you probably not going to hit a Zombie directly in the Head or Brain thus Killing Said Zombie. Reason 2: Sure it may be fun seeing your favorite Zombie-Person being blown to bits but afterwords you have a bunch of sticky wet zombie gore all over the place that you have to clean up. Reason 3: If you are storing you grenades in your base and they "accidentally" go off they end up blowing a HUGE hole in the side of your base and the Zombies will hear the explosion and probably come from miles away while you are cowering in your base wondering if suicide is better than being torn-to-shreds by a Zombie Horde (and yes suicide would be the preffered option saying as all your Ammo and Guns were blown up in the explosion if not then fight the horde you MIGHT survive). And, not to forget; Smart Zombies can throw them back at you.
Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch- This blessed weapon of righteousness is excluded from the above warnings, as it has proven to be the ultimate weapon against anything evil. It may only be used by one of 'kingly stature' and only after the monologue has been delivered perfectly to your zombie audience. During the monologue, reverence must be given to the Holy Hand Grenade. You are required to stay stationary. Violence of all kinds is strictly prohibited in its presence. To correctly use, the directions may be found in the Book of Armaments, Chapter 2, verse 9-21. Script is as follows:
...And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy." And the Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats and large chu... And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it." Amen.
To properly use, the script must be read from the Book of Armaments, found at a local Walmart near you. It is vital that the script be read in a nasal voice, and that it be read by one of the Holy Cloth. At the conclusion, the remaining audience must all say "Amen", lest they suffer the wrath of the Lord. This rule includes zombies. It is the user's responsibility to advise zombies on the correct rotation of the Holy Ritual, as stated in the Book of Armaments, Chapter 3, verse 8-14, which says:
Upon sight of those of the undead persuasion, thou must ask that they stop their feasting of brains of the innocent for a time, so that the previous chapter, already being stated, may be stated again in all readyness. Thou mayest not pulleth the pin of the holy hand grenade at the number of three, unless the undead, having complied with thou request, ceased gormandizing of the brains of the countless children, elderly, diseased, helpless, frail, mentally unstable, and other undesirables. The undead persuasion must then elect one amongst themselves to serve in His Holiness's light, leading the procession until the throwing of the hand grenade, which then his services shall no longer be needed, because he shall no longer be undead, but dead. Very, very dead. If thou hadst to describe it in one word, it would be cadaverific.
Failure to do so results in being naughty in His Holiness's sight, and shall be punished accordingly.
Zombie Survival Kit
The first and arguably most important step in surviving a zombie outbreak is to create a Zombie Survival Kit (ZSK) which will at least give you a chance of living through the hellish, moan filled nightmare of a zombie attack. ZSKs come in a variety of different sorts, from the advanced Mass Zombie Extermination kit to the Save Yourself And No One Else kit, and are available from your local supermarket or hardware store. You can also use the much reliable Zombie Survival Guide that can be found at any local Barnes n Noble. This section though, will deal with the steps taken to create your own Household Survival Kit out of the following easy to acquire items.
- The first item to acquire is one of self defense; a shotgun. Shotguns (preferably pump-action) are frequently used in Zombie Survival situations as their signature explosive sound and large blast radius can easily stop, or at least slow down, the advancing zombies in their shambling tracks, giving you that much needed extra time to make your way to your Zombie Shelter (discussed further on). Shotguns can be easily acquired by entering the police force or army, "borrowing" a shotgun and then leaving.
- The second item is a Club, Staff, or in fact any blunt weapon, such as a mace, as they infer a +50% damage to Undead, which comes in handy when your shotgun is out of ammunition or otherwise unusable. It is suggested that you acquire a 6 socketed Maul and fill it with perfect Diamonds, as they add extra Undead damage. Note that a maul will require 50 strength and 50 attack to use and is two-handed, but it will give its wielder the power to easily crush any Zombies who may penetrate their Zombie Shelter with crushing efficiency, which any healthy zombie-hating (living) person will enjoy. Charsi, in the Rogue Encampment, sells Mauls for a reasonable price, they may also be found by killing the minions of hell.
- The third item to acquire is a stock of Human Brains; these come in handy when you wish to escape a concentrated Zombie Cloud (term used to describe a pack of zombies). The art of Brain Tossing is a long and honored one, with roots going back to the Olympic Games in Ancient Canada and will not be discussed in any great detail here, save for three of the basic techniques:
- The underarm throw; the brain is grasped firmly in the preferred hand, with the other hand pointing in the direction you wish the Zombie Cloud to go, the body is also angled in this direction. Once this position has been achieved simply step forward with the leg that is positioned to the rear while bringing the brain hand forward in a rapid motion, releasing the brain at a suitable position. If done correctly the brain will fly straight and true, thus distracting the zombies.When tossing a brain, make sure you "show" the brain to the zombies, A thrown brain is useless if it's not seen by zombies.
- The over arm throw; uses the same basic principles as the underarm throw except the brain is held in a position above and behind the shoulder and the throwing arc angles upwards rather than down, the over arm throw can also fling the brain a greater distance and with greater force.
- The brain-ball; the brain is grasped in the hand and is thrown towards the ground at an approximately 45° angle, the intent being to use the brain’s natural spring to propel it over the heads of the oncoming zombies. If you have ever seen or played a game of Hand Ball you will be already have a good idea of the physics and theories behind Brain Balling.
Brains can be easily acquired from the recently/soon to be deceased and in the garbage bins of Evil Geniuses or, if you're feeling merciful, you could scoop out the brain of one of your buddies right after they get bit, face it, they'll get bit. If you are unable to acquire a brain this way Spam can be used as a substitute, as Spam is made using the brains of the homeless, door-to-door salesmen and American Presidents.
- The fourth item to acquire is the ever-useful fire extinguisher; as it is a known fact that whenever a zombie outbreak occurs the surrounding area is covered in spontaneous fires and, in some cases, cheap spark effects. Fire extinguishers can be easily bought at a local hardware store or “borrowed” from a local hospital, preferable while in the process of lighting a fire there, as one of the primary zombie outbreak sources are hospitals (more on this phenomena later).
- The fifth item is Doom 3; Doom 3 is an excellent zombie/demon killing simulation that will give the prospective Zombie Invadee (the term given to the sufferers of a Zombie Outbreak/Invasion) some much needed zombie killing experience. It is recommended that the simulation is run at midnight when there is no moon, with all the lights turned out, and the bass turned up full. Doom 3 can be acquired from your local Games store, (see Life Simulation) or from the endless pits of hell, located somewhere in the DMV.
- The Sixth item is a Storm Survival kit; a Storm Survival kit contains all the useful items that you will need to survive once the endless clouds of zombies have been destroyed. It includes such items as batteries, bandages, saws and, in the better kits, an intergalactic space ship capable of moving you, and the other survivors to a more hospitable and zombie-free planet. Storm Survival kits can be found at your local hardware store and crack den, caution when purchasing a kit from a supermarket, as supermarkets are known to attract zombies in large numbers. The Storm Survival kit can also be substituted by the Garden of Eden Creation Kit (G.E.C.K.).
- The Seventh item is Healing Magic; it is common knowledge that healing- or holy-based magic is very effective against all manner of Undead. The theory of how this works is as follows: When used on living tissue the Healing Magic causes the body to rapidly close any wounds and repair itself, in a similar manner to the way a body would normally heal itself. When Healing Magic is used on undead tissue though the effects are quite different as only the living have bodies capable of healing themselves the normal way, the undead or zombie cells become hyper-agitated and literally tear themselves apart, often giving the illusion of dance (see Disco Fever). Healing Magic can be found at almost any good church or place of holy worship. If you are unable to master the art of healing, then Holy Water, Potion, Hi-Potion and Phoenix Down, among others may be used as a substitute. These may be purchased at any Pharmasave or Lawtons
- The Eighth item is a 10 Pack of Condoms; Condoms are one of the most useful items ever created in the history of the universe. They have many uses, from being an effective aphrodisiac to a strong container, capable of holding many brains securely. The primary use of condoms in a zombie outbreak survival situation is to hold Holy Water, or to wear over the head as an amusing party trick, Or to have sex with the zombie right in front of you. The more condoms used up, the better, as the less you have after the Undead have been defeated by your local silver surfer/superhero/Chuck Norris/Microscopic-Air-Born-Diseases-Capable-of-Crippling-Alien-Invasions-And-Wiping-Out-Zombie-Attacks the faster you will be able to start repopulating the human race. Condoms can be found lying around school yards and maximum security prisons; alternatively, a less hygienic variety can be found in your local store.
- The extra Ninth item is electric barrier equipment for yourself. This will prevent zombies from biting, punching, or stabbing you (and thus make you immune to zombification) by frying them with an electric current, which is one of the only ways to kill certain zombies. This will also prevent them from eating your corpse if they kill you.
- The Tenth item is the food chain. Just chill out in the wilderness, zombies are just meals on wheels for large predators, unless the zombie virus can infect animals. If that doesn't work try flesh eating bacteria, there's microorganisms that eat everything odds are a virus isn't going to infect a bacteria. Seeing as zombies don't care when they've been shot they probably won't notice being bit by infected sandflies, or a swarm of ants; of coarse after all that food you'll probably have an infestation of insects now so make sure to get some lizards, ant eaters, birds, or some carnivorous plants, preferably of the large man eating variety.
How You Should Move
Run! (Silently, though) Stairs are your friend, zombies will often have trouble with stairs and can easily be destroyed, you must cover all potential openings in the house with sheet metal and wood on your side of the window for added support. If you don't run, expect to be eaten alive by your former friends and neighbors. If you use a car it WILL be totalled. No matter where, how fast or what you are driving you will wreck it causing needless pain for all involved. If you use a car and manage to live you will only be greeted by more zombies, good job flooring the pedal and making shit tons of noise genius. Don't clean blood on your car, because to tell you the truth, zombies will not care and lick it off to sustain themselves.
Sit Tight and Wait it out
Possibly the smartest thing you could do is sit tight, watch your favorite soap opera, eat everything you have in the kitchen and try to ignore the never ending pounding on the walls, doors, windows and some shrieks and slaughtering sounds coming from the outside.
The best way to pull this off is to have an impenetrable fortress with untiring robot guards (especially like the Servos in The Sims 2) manning the machine gun, rocket launcher, etc. turrets, however this may not be wise in case of a robot takeover.
Possible problems with this approach:
- You will run out of food, before the zombies do because YOU are THEIR food, foo'.
- TV shows will stop broadcasting because everyone is too busy being consumed.
- The zombies broke through the walls/doors/windows.
- Power shuts off and robots stop moving.
- You die of old age or from the old lady from down the street.
A good remedy to these problems is to barracade oneself inside your local Costco. It is a widely known that Costcos make their own electricity, have an unlimited supply of food (free samples), have walls thick enough to withstand a Russian nuclear invasion, and have enough movies to last a billion years. Costcos also have a large supply of crates which you can use to build a second impenetrable fortress inside. The only downside is the lack of pornography in Costco. Any men will have to make do without material to masturbate over.
The Zombie Survival Group
Where And Who Are They?
The ZSG can be found in all good pubs, nightclubs or zombie infested streets. They are usually identifiable by their completely contrasting clothing and personalities. If you ever find yourself asking the question: 'How did this group of whacko’s and sped’s ever come together?' Then it is usually a ZSG.
more info: The Zombie Survival Group
Constructing A Zombie-Proof Shelter
A Zombie-Proof Shelter, or Zombie Shelter (ZS) is similar to a Bomb-Proof Shelter in that it is designed to give its residents protection against the outside world and syphilis. While Bomb Shelter’s work on the principle of W=Nb+Nd (Walls = No Bomb + No Death) Zombie Shelter’s work on a slightly different method, that method being W+N+F=Nu+Nd (Wall + Napalm + Fire = No Undead = No Death, that is if you are far enough from the napalm. Good luck with that in a small ZS).
The basic ZS is a small 5m x 5m x 5m cube constructed of pure unadalterated WIN, reinforced by a solid 10m deep foundation made out of a single piece of diamond. The cube is surrounded by a lake of napalm that, when required, can be lit on fire to prevent the legions of the damned from eating your brain. Other shelters range from the massive zombie-proof mansions of southern Switzerland to the Neverland Ranch theme park created by legendary Zombie Hunter Ozzy Osbourne. Whatever your budget, there is always an affordable and effective Zombie-Proof Shelter available.
This guide will focus on the method of Zombie-Proof Shelter construction. If all the steps are followed, a shelter with a high level of Zombie-Repulsion and Disattraction should be easily attained. Before the exact steps are discussed, a list of required materials will be given:
- 6 sheets of high quality titanium, at least 40cm thick and 5m x 5m in dimension.
- 3 sheets of diamond, 50cm x 50cm in dimension and 10cm thick.
- 1 bulkhead door, made out of titanium.
- 1 10m x 10m x 10m cube of solid diamond.
- 1000+ liters of napalm.
- 8 LED (Life Emitting Diode) Flood Lights.
- Titanium mesh.
- Automated flamethrower turret. A good point of reference for the design of said turret would be Red Alert 1.
- Condoms, always carry protection, no matter what the emergency.
- Duct Tape
- Dig a large hole in the ground, approximately 11m deep by 11m wide.
- Place your diamond cube in the hole, filling the gaps around the side with high quality cement and strong titanium mesh.
- Rivet one of the titanium sheets down to the center of the diamond cube; this will act as the floor.
- Take 4 of the remaining titanium sheets; with 3 of them you need to install the sheets of diamond, which will act as windows. In the 4th, you will need to install the bulkhead.
- Attach the 4 titanium sheets mentioned above to the floor; they will act as walls.
- To the one remaining sheet, attach the flamethrower turret.
- Attach the remaining sheet to the top of the shelter; it will act as a roof.
- Attach the LED Flood Lights to the four corners of the roof; they will act as a deterrent to any zombie that survives the moat of fire.
- Dig out a deep trench surrounding your impenetrable zombie cube and fill it with the napalm; if you need more napalm, now would be the time to acquire it.
- Bring books, pot, condoms, & women for you WILL get bored!
Note: Condoms have various uses such as for storing ammunition, food, cool hats, and it's main use of safe lewd pleasures. Bring as many as you can; same goes for women.
It is fairly simple to operate your ZS, simply shut yourself in and hope for the best. The LED Flood Lights will emit light in a spectrum that zombies find repellent, and over a long length of time the Healing Magic Effect can occur. The napalm works on the principle of Z=F (Zombies = Flammable) and Fl+N+F=Pd (Flammable + Napalm + Fire = Permanent Death), which, in short, means that whenever a zombie is detected by the automated turret, it will fire into the napalm, igniting it and any zombies that happen to be nearby. It is HIGHLY recommended to bring 5 to 10 500. Napalm tanks for refill on the pools. These can be placed on the surface of the main underground shelter.
It is recommended that you stock your ZS with all the requirements, such as food, water and a large flat screen TV, with cable. As your stay can be long, it is suggested that large amounts of these items be stockpiled.
Those are the basic steps on how to create a single person ZS, for each additional person add double the materials. If you do not wish to create your own shelter, it is possible to purchase one from your local Sanitarium, or order one online from one of many retailers.
“Yes, well we have been holed up here for the past 3 weeks, and so far nothing has gotten in, however we did find one critical flaw in the shelter after the first day... NAPALM DISAPPEARS WHEN IT IS BURNT. We felt all secure in the shelter, with the thought that we had napalm around us... but then the first wave of zombies came at us, we were a little scared as we were not sure of the shelters capabilities at that point.... but once the turret went into action.... The sky lit up and the air was filled with the smell of burning dead, all of us in the shelter rejoiced at the smell... But a few hours later we noticed the napalm moat was still burning, and was diminishing rapidly, and with no way to put out the blaze it was gone by the next morning, and aside from the loss of the primary defense system, the temperature inside the shelter got so high, that several of us died from heat stroke, and fearful of the thought of zombies in the shelter, we threw them outside quickly. But, aside from that massive design flaw, the shelter works extremely well, the titanium walls have yet to be breached and all though the turret is nearly out of fuel, much like the moat, it continues to set alight many waves of the undead. ”
Levels of Outbreak
The official report outlines for classification levels of outbreak. They range in seriousness, location, and number of zombies involved. These levels are:
- Class One. Class One is the least serious outbreak. It usually takes place on a small area of the skin (near the groin), and involves no more than twenty-five zombie growths. It usually lasts no more than two weeks. The best way to defend against a class one outbreak is to stay calm, find a nearby comfortable area, and wait for the painkillers to kick in. Use appropriate salves to help reduce swelling.
- Class Two. Class Two outbreaks involve more than a hundred zombies, but may not last longer than a class one outbreak. The larger number of zombies may provoke a swifter response from the body's defense system. If you find yourself in the middle of a class two outbreak, it is advised that you leave the general area of infection alone until the infestation is over. Zombies are highly contagious and you may spread the infection to other areas of your body simply by touch.
- Class Three. Class Three is a very dangerous, very deadly outbreak. Zombies will number in the thousands and spread out from the groin over hundreds of square inches. In addition to the threat posed by the living dead, the mass chaos and breakdown of law and order caused by your scarred visage is likely to claim additional lives. It is recommended you not try to approach any girls during this time.
- Class Four. Class Four outbreaks involve total undead domination of the body. In this scenario, the undead outnumber the living by vast amounts. Governments break down and people are left to survive on their own. Billions die...or just turn into zombies.
- Class Five. If you are a human... You're probably the only one left. The only thing you can possibly do is wait it out. I hope you got a lot of food... You're gonna need it. If you have the opportunity, get a boat and get about a hundred meters off shore, and bring a fishing rod. if you manage to catch a fish, kill it and throw it out to sea. The smell of blood will attract all the zombies in the nearest 10 miles. And as we all know, zombies can't swim. So now you can have a good time laughing at them before you shoot yourself in the head and join the bastards. The smell of blood will attract even more zombies. A class five outbreak will only happen one time. Zombies win(except Chuck Norris).
- Class six. Face it dudes and dudeettes, you are fucked. The only way you can survive this is if you get to the ocean with a ship full of guns, ammo, explosives, food, and water. if you do survive this get on top of the ship and yell "I FUCKING DID IT!!!"
- Class X. In a situation such as this, the zombies have somehow adopted Chuck Norris as their king, and now live in a civilized, albeit bloody and barbaric new world. Humanity is inevitably doomed to extinction. Dont even bother trying to commit suicide because as soon as the infection escalates to this level, your head will instantly explode.
These super smart, super evil scientists spend their days in oversized laboratories, trying to create some kind of super evil thing. Somehow, they are never able to complete the thing, and in the process of attempting to create the thing, some kind of evil toxin, fungus, or other substance which can cause people to mutate into zombies is released. Normally, the zombies are coworkers of the evil geniuses, and are trapped in the secret underground facility until some moron tries to find out what happened down there. They unwittingly release the zombies, and become one in the process. The zombies then go on a rampage against the unsuspecting citizens of a conveniently placed nearby town.
Similar to evil geniuses, government labs are where some military-designed virus escapes and everything goes horribly wrong. Usually the escaping virus will kill everybody in the lab in very bloody and painful ways before escaping to kill everybody on the outside world. The government will always deny this and will attempt to cover the incident up and quarantine infected areas. The quarantines always fail. See effects of evil geniuses.
Hospitals are world renowned for their ability to save lives, and charge way too much to do it. But sometimes, things go horribly wrong. Sometimes the doctors will give a patient the wrong dose of chemotherapy, which will cause it to go away for a week or so. The person goes home seemingly healed...then the cancer comes back, mutated to cause zombification. When this happens, the closest people to the new zombie will be eaten in their sleep, and they will become zombies in a matter of seconds due to the mutated zombie cancer. Thus the outbreak begins.
Some curse used by a powerful shaman causes a recently-dead person to rise from there grave and do the bidding of said shaman. Zombie powder is used to bring the dead back to life at the zombification ritual. There is usually very few of these zombies in an outbreak, as it would take forever for a shaman to create so many zombies.
Indians (Native Americans for the slaves of political correctness) have been known to place curses to deter desecration of their burial grounds. When modern people decide to build housing developments on top of these places, the curse is activated. The magic of the curse reanimates the skeletal remains. While these zombies are scary as hell, and roam around causing massive emotional scars, they are actually harmless, because their job is actually to get the people off the land and not to eat brains. Once this task is completed, they will return to their graves.
Fluids emitted during masturbation can, when left alone long enough, ferment into a very simple zombie-like organism. It will latch onto the face and suck out the soul, causing the victim to become a zombie. The best way to avoid this situation is to catch any fluids on your shirt, on the bed, in the toilet, on a tissue, on a beloved pet, or other place, and dispose of properly (for example, incineration or landfill). Masturbating into a sock also works remarkably well.
A virus that causes vital organs to shut down and causes the frontal lobe of the brain to disintegrate. The only known remedy short of death is holding your hand under a pump whilst shouting "WATER!", or the consumption of copious amounts of baked beans. All wild animals detect Solanum so if in doubt, offer your vital limbs to tigers or lions or cheetahs. If they flee, you're a zombie or something.
Experimental Chemicals or Medicines
Be wary whenever your town is about to be the first to test some variety of chemical or medicine. There is a very high chance that it will all go horribly wrong, resulting in a zombie epidemic. It is advised that if moving chemicals to not go past the local graveyard, as it is guaranteed you will hit a well placed bump and drop your cargo into said graveyard.
Sometimes if a bunch of really evil guys get killed, most notably Totenkopf SS troops or Knights Templar who believe the Church's lies about themselves and assume they're evil, they'll periodically come back to feast on the flesh of the living. Particularly dangerous, because they've got weapons (swords, spears, firearms) and may remember some vestige of the tactics they learnt when alive.
The Venus Probe
It came back, the dead rose; as with "Vengeance" above, "lack of an identifiable mechanism" is distinct from "Absolutely no reason whatsoever" but about as much help. Be warned that said zombies that rise from this source could have unintended side-effects, such as: Climbing along the walls, jumping really high/far, running, wielding guns, talking, and vaulting over things.
Every once in a while, America will make a mistake, and Democrats will find themselves in charge of the country. Through creatively named traditions of mental brainwashing, the Democrats will slowly, and intentionally, begin to lead the country to intense zombification. From their country-wide speeches, normal, everyday families will discover they'd rather eat their loved ones' brains than listen to the Democrats. The mental breakdown influenced by this behavior is contagious, as the aura of the Democrats is left on the victims, much like the smell of a skunk. From there, worldwide zombification ensues, until the world is consumed by the deadly disease. All except the Democrats, who will be hiding in an underground bunker, of course, those damn bastards,
Absolutely no reason whatsoever
Occasionally you will find that there really was no reason for the zombie outbreak. It just happened. In this instance, it is advised that you notice signs of the zombie outbreak, regardless of how 'dead' everyone seems to be normally.
Zombie Cloud Hotspots
Zombie Clouds are typically attracted to hospitals, schools, research labs, graveyards, shopping malls, abandoned streets and run down buildings basically anywhere that is creepy and a good set for a film. It is therefore best to avoid these areas like the plague (pun intended), and if it is necessary to approach them do so only with a full compliment of equipment and preferably a Zombie Survival Group.
Answer the following question's to determine if an area is a Hotspot if you are unsure;
- Is it a popular place, regularly visited by the living?
- Does it have any connection with the dead?
- Is it in any way abandoned or run down?
- Can you hear the moaning of the zombies as they look for brains?
- Can you see any zombies as they look for brains?
- Does Michael Jackson hang out there?
If you answered 'Yes' to one or more of the above questions then it can be assumed it is a Zombie Hotspot and should therefore be avoided. If you happen to be caught in a Hotspot for any reason then follow the Suppression Techniques detailed below.
Zombie Suppression Techniques
There are many ways to suppress different types of zombies. A common weakness to note is the head or brain area: without their heads, they're often powerless (just hope to God you're not in Brain Dead). Some common Zombie Suppression Techniques are as follows:
The Blunt Object To The Face Technique or simply 'Face' method is particularly effective as a last resort and a popular Olympic sport. It involves a living person, one or more zombies and a blunt, preferably heavy, weapon. The basic idea is to approach an available zombie, carefully avoiding the freshly slaughtered ones (as a fall would mean certain death) at a run or fast walk, and swing the blunt object with force and speed into your target zombies head, preferably decapitating and rekilling it. Preferred weapons include the Maul, the Club, the Bat, the Crowbar (For more information, see Half-Life), the Steel Pipe, the Baneblade, Super Heavy Tank, or the fender off of a Chevelle.
The Shotgun Technique is a very common and effective, if unimaginative, way of destroying zombies, especially in large Clouds. Its devastating impact on decaying tissue over short range and its large blast radius make/have made it an instant favorite among all zombie killing connoisseurs who fancy a mass redeath with maximum explosiveness. The standard Shotgun Technique involves standing still and facing the approaching horde of undead, as they draw ever closer it is recommended the shotgun wielder adopts a bracing posture, ready for the recoil of rapid shotgun rounds (see Halo). As soon as the zombies reach a distance of approximately 2 meters start firing into their midst, aiming for their heads (as this is proven to have the most effect). Once the zombies in the cloud have been reduced to their component atoms it is strongly suggested that the wielder moves on, as zombies are naturally attracted to the sound of shotguns firing, this may seem strange at first, but if enough clouds gather the shotgun wielder will be overcome and turned into a zombie him/herself.
The Military Mop-up is when, at the end of an outbreak, the military show up and kill as many zombies as the zombie squad killed in the last three days in 20 seconds using their assault rifles. Anyone in the squad who is still alive at this point (usually two people of the opposite sex) is guaranteed not to die later on.
Escaping the Cloud
The cloud of zombies is medium paced and very scary. Some people will be tempted to look over their shoulders and see that the zombies are about 0.5 meters behind them, then after getting the shit scared out of them, they run faster when not needed and get really tired so they start slowing down. If you have particlarly bad luck or are just not good with these situations the cloud will follow your every move. REMEMBER. the cloud CAN move through fences and fly-screens so don't bother hiding. To shorten this down into a few words: The best way to escape the cloud is to shoot yourself in the head with the shotgun (if you haven't dropped it in an attempt to lighten yourself up after long hours of running). If you want to actually survive the zombie-cloud you might have to lock yourself in an airtight room for a couple of thousand years and wait for the cloud to disperse or follow some other defenseless victim. There are a few cases of keeping the zombies preoccupied until you are out of sensory range, but this is not recommended.
In Case of Death
- Burn the corpses using napalm or petrol, then bury the remains.
- Blow up the corpse with a grenade.
- Lock the corpse into a secure confined space away from people.
- "Remove the head or destroy the brain". Totally.
- Throw the corpse from a high window(if it zombifies it wont be able to climb back up).
- Throw the corpse down a bottomless pit(if one is available - many are available throughout Greece).
- Take a picture of yourself with the hot dead chick that lived across the street. You can convince people it's your girlfriend and get some high fives from your buddies.
- If you do not have the materials to destroy the bodies, ensure that the bodily fluids of the deceased are kept away from the living, as they may contain zombifying pathogens, as well as venereal diseases.
In the instance of your own death, you are unlikely to be able to perform the required actions. So pin a note to yourself of what to do, to ensure that others are aware of the situation, or a bomb to go off when you die (or zombify).
Stay near anyone with short hair, nice teeth and big muscles called Chris or Leon. This means that you are a supporting character and could wander into a fatal cut-scene at any moment. Although this may be difficult...Leon is pretty dashing.
Walk into a dark dark room or mysterious building. There will always be zombies in there, ALWAYS! If you do go inside, usually about half of your group will be picked off by the zombies and other crap that is waiting for you inside.
Follow the sound of a woman crying. You will eventually find a woman in ragged clothes crouched in the corner. If you poke her or shine light at her, she will turn around, and she will always turn out to be a super zombie-bitch who will then proceed to rip you into 54 equally sized pieces.
Grind zombies up into chili for food. Always resort to cannibalism when desperate for food. get rid of the weakest members first (i.e old people, though they would taste horrible). NEVER have zombie chili, since it will turn you into a zombie, not to mention have a bad bout of indigestion.
For God's sake people, how many scenes in zombie movies do you see one of the characters getting killed because they were standing in front of a window? Never sit in front of a window, your also walking into a fatal cut-scene at any moment.
Have sex with a female zombie. Because 1. Its disgusting, 2. Female zombies grow teeth on their vaginas during the zombification process, which means if you try to stick your dick in there, it'll will get ripped off. 3. If one manages to bypass the vagina-fangs and gets the zombie pregnant, she will give birth to a baby zombie, which means you paying child support...with your brains.
Surviving the Fallout
The following section is related to the events that will occur directly after the zombie outbreak has been quelled, and will have basic tips on how to survive in a world devastated by a massive zombie invasion.
Those should be very good. Or you did all that for no reason.
- Run even faster
- Run faster than that guy next to you
- Trip the guy next to you
- Don't let the spazzy woman try and get her dog back
- Shoot people randomly
- Drive to Alaska (Zombies will freeze into corpsicles, delicious AND nutritious!), but get there fast, the roads will be too congested and if you're too slow...It'll only be a tasty flesh bottleneck
- Go out to sea (zombies can't swim, but its fun to see them try.Warning:Peanut Zombies know how to swim, so run)
- Sacrifice Ms. Barbra, the old lady across the street (no one liked her anyways.)
- Go find some beer (What...?)
- Don't fall asleep in the open
- If surrounded, just distract them with a classy dance (Waring: May cause: Zombification, Death, Death, and more Death.)
- Always find the nearest gun and ammo Shop, and always trade at least a 10,12, or 20 gauge shotguns, one hit kills
- Notice that we said trade. Not even think about break into the shop, the shop keeper is alway good with gun and you won't stand a chance. Hell, he's most likely be the boss in that area with several goons, each carries gun bigger than yours.
Repopulating The Human Race
This is probably the most important (and fun) section of this entire guide. If the survivors of the outbreak do not know how to repopulate or follow a religion (explained below), then the cause is lost. However, aside from the necessity of this activity, it is also immensely enjoyable, unless you happen to be suffering from a severe lack of genitals or the terrible FE (Friction Explosive) condition. Note: Make sure you have two males and two females, otherwise after you reproduce, if your offspring do the same, everyone else in the human race will have three arms.
A basic guide to reproduction is listed on HowTo:Get Laid
Note: In regards to people who are religious/bat-shit-crazy, remember that if you and your female companion are the ONLY ones left in the face of the Earth, then your children will be forced to commit incest. If you consider this activity taboo, then you can either say goodbye to humanity or suck it up. However, if you are comprehensive/smart, then you may accept this activity with no problems (and fap at it while you're at it, I mean, the world just ended, what else are you gonna fap for?) Or, you can just remember that God didn't seem to mind it the first time, or that Lot's daughters came up with the idea first, so you're not to blame. Beside, you're not committing incest and dooming yourself to an eternity of pain and remorse---you're on God's good side, so you'll be able to stay up in Heaven enjoying the agonies of the damned, especially your perverted children's, making you just like every other parent who's ever lived. Or you can accept that there is no god.
How To Survive The Zombie Apocalypse
In this section there will be a few suggestions as to how to survive the Zombie Apocalypse.
The Zombie Apocalypse will occur when what is known as the Zombie Event Horizon is reached, in other words; when the number of zombies is greater than the number of the living, this event will most likely be caused by a severe Zombie Outbreak, originating from all the major outbreak causes simultaneously.
Please follow the following pieces of advice:
- Stay away from zoos! We all know that when the zombie virus/curse/Oprah begins to spread, animals will be infected along side their human counterparts. If you are a zookeeper when the infection spreads, you should sit down, think about how screwed you are, and then blast your brains out, not necessarily in that order.
- Get a gun. If you can't figure out why a gun would be useful...or a shovel, then you should already be a zombie, or will be bitten soon since you are a moron. Try to get as much weapons/ammo at one time so that you don't have to go back and reloot. A good place is the ammo store, pawn shop, or your local S-Mart (unless of course the shop manager is off his "trolley").
- Note It's unlikely that you can loot gun shop, the shopkeepers are usually good with gun and unlike you, he has lot of reserve ammo. So trade some cans of food or your sister for a firearm should be better idea.
- If you can't find a gun, raid your local National Guard Armory, visit the White House, or dig a hole in a ground to hide. If you actually managed to raid the armory and are still alive, get some RPGs, M60s, and a couple of tactical nukes.
- Chainsaws are good, too! Eventually you will get bored with blowing the zombies' heads off, so why not find a chainsaw and enjoy the gore?
- More generally, learn to appreciate the good points of your new lifestyle. You may well have spent thirty years in a cubicle, building up rage against all of your fellow human beings...now you have a great excuse to shoot them! Sure, killing the already-dead doesn't produce the irreproducible pleasure of wasting a thinking, feeling, frightened human being, but it's moderately close...and beside, in all the chaos, a few living people are bound to accidentally get shot or bludgeoned or tied down in that storage shed and tortured for a few days. Or if that doesn't work, "S/He told me he got bit," usually will. I'm just saying.
- Get a car. By getting a car, you can just plow over the zombies (unless you're too dumb to know how to drive). Zombies don't know how to drive, and you can use this to your advantage. It'll conserve ammo and kill far more zombies than any gun. Bear in mind that cars can easily get stuck if the zombie cloud is too thick (imagine trying to drive a car through a mound of snow that's trying to extract your brain). A good counter-measure is to carry a nail bomb at all times, so that you can detonate it and kill the hordes of zombies who clawing at your windows (bearing in mind that this tactic will most likely also kill you). If you forgot your nail bomb then just stay calm and sit quietly and contemplate how royally screwed you are. Also, if more than one person is in the car, make sure SOMEONE is paying attention to the surroundings, as zombies tend to jump into cars when the passengers get chatty. And always check the glove compartment for extra guns and ammo. At the very least, you might find some cash or embarrassing mail the owner of the car forgot to throw away.
- Hospitals are very, very bad. Don't go to the hospital no matter how bad you need medicine, or if little Timmy had his appendix removed at the time. There will, of course, be dead people there; which means there will also be a lot of zombies. Nurses tend to be the first zombified and there is nothing sadder then checking out a hot nurse and she turns around and half her face is gone.
- The local authorities are always screwed, so don't go to the local police station. You won't find anything there but a hell of a lot of zombies OR people. Any underground escape routes are usually blocked out by ridiculous puzzles and locks set up for "security". Ammo is also surprisingly scarce, as most of it will have been already been used, and any which can normally be found isn't compatible with the weapons available.
- Graveyards are not cool. If you don't feel like being safe, do not try to enter this trap. If you really want to visit your dead family members, prepare for a mumbling monologue. It should go without saying that you will not find a proper topic with your great grandmother.
- NEVER count on the military to come rescue your lazy ass because basically every single time the army is either unable to actually get to your position or are simply too lazy and can't be stuffed to help you...or if for some reason you are in a mall for three days at the time, the military will actually shoot you themselves. Yeah, creepy, I know.
- Pray to your god that...
- The zombies can't run or they aren't smart enough to use firearms. Zombies that can run are largely unpopular in the zombie fan community, so this is unlikely.
- The military doesn't nuke your area. (Why rescue the survivors when you can simply carpet bomb the infected area?)
- During any zombie attack, you must never actually use the word "zombie", because it just sounds silly and ruins the tone of the situation. The term 'Undead' is preferred in this instance, or another name if there is a rational explanation for the zombies' existence.
- If it's Christmas, hope that you've been nice. Santa Claus may very well help you out with a well-placed air strike.
- The local conspiracy theorist who says that the zombies were created by the trusted pharmaceutical company? The odds are good that he's right.
- Keep your cool. Screaming at a zombie never does any good; it's the zombie equivalent of offering them a turkey leg.
- Never bring really annoying people with you. They always get eaten by zombies, thus they will most likely attract them towards you (though it might not matter if you're a Leader or Leading Lady, as they rarely die from/turn into a zombie).
- Never use up all your strength running. A zombie can walk about as fast as a three year old, so sit back and watch. Better yet, taunt them by moving along in slow motion. Have a little fun. But if your luck really is as bad as it seems, they will run like a kid in a candy store, only without the candy, and with an even stronger bloodlust powering their rampage. In this case, the best solution is a stern voice, a small amount of alcohol, and a regular bedtime.
- If a small girl approaches you amidst such a crisis with her face down, mumbling incoherent rasping sounds, or with blood dripping from her pudgy rotting fingers, do NOT hug her! She is not an abused orphan and therefore does not need your love!
- If a zombie falls over, don't be a dumbass. They are trying to get you close to them so they can have a go at your leg.
- Zombies never 'go away' by themselves. Even if it has gone quiet, this probably means they're really close to you and about to break through a nearby entrance.
- Get rid of any hope of getting rescued (by the military or your mum) because EVACS ARE ALWAYS DESTROYED! ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE HELICOPTERS
- Don't seek refuge in a shopping mall by barring the doors shut. In a few weeks you'll be begging for some pussy like a Hobo in a brothel. However, if you are stuck inside with some high class women, go for it man. Even the worst kind of loser looks alright during the apocalypse, just find one of the stores with lots of clothes to mute the moans from outside and see if you can get her top off. Once that's off, the rest is easy street. If not, at least you saw her breasts.
- If a friend gets bitten don't be sad and wait around and sulk, suck it up and be a man, shoot, don't talk.
- Don't have sex! You might get caught off-guard by the zombies while you're distracted! Besides, if you're naked, it is easier for them to bite you since you don't have clothes for protection.
- REMEMBER:You NEVER have to outrun the zombies! You only have to outrun the guy next to you (tripping him/her helps)
- If you find yourself trapped in a corner by zombies, the best method of escape is to sacrifice your friends. While they are busy gorging on their brains, you can make a quick escape by walking past them at a relatively fast pace. This plan has one drawback, however. If your friends find you (and being zombies, they will), you can be assured that they will infect you. But don't feel too bad about sacrificing them, they've probably thought of it as well.
- Screw everyone else! Buy/build your own underground/high building/aquatic apocalypse bunker! (See above) Simply stock it with 10 years rations of canned chili, Powerade, Gatorade, porn, saltines, your favorite books, and your significant other! If you can stay sane during those ten years, you will emerge in a lush new world where you and your love will repopulate the earth with inbred children.
- If zombies are all around you and there is no escape, it is wise to have a grenade ready to at least dramatically take the undead bastards down with you. As an alternative you may take a lession from terrorists and just strap 10 kilos of C4 to your doomed ass.
- Talk to your family. This is really only necessary if they have something you need (or on an off chance you love them). First, convince them that the world is going to hell and fast. Then convince them that you have a plan that beats anything created by the police, the army or God, and that they should follow you. If all goes badly you can sacrifice them as explained in Last Resort one.
- You must repent! If you are greedy, selfish, or an overall pain in the ass you will be personally chucked at the nearest horde of zombies intent on raping you for all eternity by your friends and relatives. Even if you try and fight off the zombie hordes by firing into their moaning mass, the mere fact you were an ass to the nice girl from next door dooms your brains into being a snack for the mailman. P.S. if you follow this survival guide when the zombies invade you will most definitely join the legions of the undead, if you want to survive plan on all of them being fast-moving with their normal physical attributes as when they were alive, and use the guns and run...away tactic.
- It is always good to be by someone who loves you, so flirt with the ugly chick and keep her nearby, then when the zombies are chasing you can trip her.