HowTo:Slay a dragon

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So you want to know how to slay a dragon? If you do, then you may need some help on how to get started and accomplishing your goal. To clear up any facts, you must first understand that you are only trying to make people believe you slew a dragon, and that dragons have not, do not, nor will ever exist, and that frozen body they pulled out of a cave was a hoax. This guide, therefore, is a clear and detailed guide on how to trick and deceive people into believing that you have truly slain a dragon.


Here is a list of instructions you should follow before you attempt to "slay a dragon". If you skip these steps you run the risk of being found out and burned at the stake.

  1. Look for the most uneducated, run-down and hick-looking town or village you can find in the world. It works best if they can barely understand your language but the main message gets across. This also works best if you live around the 15th century.
  2. Look for a real life knight and break into his house, steal his armor and horse and run away.
    After stealing the armor and horse, you should look something like this.
    If you can kill the knight to avoid leaving evidence behind, this would be best.
  3. Get the largest sword you can find and paint it some ridiculous color, maybe red or dark blue, and give it a name and title, like Galdabir the Dragon Slayer. Paint the armor you stole gold if it is not already this color, gold armor makes you much more believable.
  4. If the horse you stole has no armor, simple aluminum foil will make it look like an authentic war horse. Also make sure the horse is white because that is the color of justice and righteousness, unlike black.
  5. Ride your horse into the town that you picked yelling loudly and swinging your sword over your head. If it is night time you will likely awake everyone and they will be curious to what you are doing. Once you gather enough, boast about your mighty strength, your powerful horse, and your terrible sword, and how you will kill a dragon. When talking about location, mention some sort of obscure, nameless cave in some obscure, nameless country so no one will ask. When you are done,ride out of town yelling your name and try to take some fruit from the distracted merchants that are too busy marveling over your amazing appearance.

The Slaying[edit]

  1. Now that you have convinced the ignorant villagers to believe you are a true dragon slayer, you must ride out of town until no one can see you. Now you grab a wooden sign and write the words "Dragun wuz here" on it. Wait until next night and take out a tank of gasoline, spread it all around town, then ignite it with a match. Stamp the sign in front of town and ride away. If anyone had any doubt that dragons were real, they don't anymore.
  2. Once you have ridden far enough from town, go to the nearest port and steal as many fish as you can. Kill a cow, skin it, then skin the fish you stole. Cover the cow skin with the fish skins you stole and paint it red, now the fish skins make it look like it's covered in scales and altogether looks like authentic dragon skin.
  3. Chop down several trees and drag them into a cave where there is hardly any people living around. Put the trees in and make sure you have something to light fires with.
  4. Take the cows that you have previously killed and toss them on the trees in the cave. Make sure there are plenty of cows in the cave.
  5. This part is very time consuming. Get in the cave and set the trees on fire. Unsheathe your sword and begin yelling loudly while hitting rocks to make lots of noise. Perhaps some villagers will be attracted by the fire or noises, but you must warn them not to come in. Spend several days in the cave, you should've brought enough food to last out and enough trees to keep a convincing fire flowing.
  6. While in the cave, tear off some pieces of your armor, put some soot and ashes on your face and give yourself a few cuts over your body. After several days in the cave, come out with the fake dragon skin you made earlier and yell in happiness. If there are people around, gloat about how you killed the mighty dragon and show them the skin. If they go inside the cave, they should only find the large, burnt bones of the cows which prove to be convincing dragon bones.

Alternatives. There are actually really a ton of other ways to slay a dragon rather than this European crap ^. In Persia, the occupants of the town C4 have been able to slay any dragon that posed a threat without any problems. Their method included using suicide bombers, anthrax(<-uber awesome biological ownage), and having the dragons drink goat milk since they are intolerant of any Muslim foods. The other method is by gathering up a bunch of your homies/illegal immigrant friends from the ghetto- I mean hood and going over to that dragon's lair to pop a cap in its scaly ass!

After the Slaying[edit]

  1. Now that you have convinced everyone around the cave that you slayed the dragon, you must ride your horse and go hide somewhere.
  2. While hiding, you must write a long, detailed story of how you slayed the dragon. Make sure it has perfect spelling and grammar with no loopholes or obvious errors in it. Do not change out of your torn clothing nor take a bath.
  3. Return back to the first town/village that you convinced them you were going to slay a dragon. Once you get there, tell them about your adventure and show them the
    A classical drawing of a dragon-slaying. Note: When illustrating your own story, make sure the pictures at least have better quality and color.
    story you wrote and the dragon skin. The dragon skin, torn armor and convincing story should make everyone wild with emotion and trust you completely.
  4. Now you are probably very famous and cherished, make the best of it. Eat all the free food offered, sleep with all the women and simply bask in glory. You can attempt to repeat your act by painting the dragon skin differently and using different caves, or forests, or mountains.