HowTo:Save a life
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Well now you've done it. Your incessant nagging and bitching has driven yet another human unfortunate enough to know you close to suicide. Was it really worth it to throw out their prized possessions, just to make room for your coffee-maker? I mean, in all likelihood there's a Starbucks around the corner. You stupid waste of water. Anyway, your level of bitchitude is now irrelevant. I'm here to teach you HowTo:Save a Life.
Step One: Say we need to talk
In order to stop your man from committing suicide, the most important thing is talking. Saying "We need to talk" is a great way to initiate this, just make sure he's paying attention to you first. After you say "We need to talk" he'll walk, but say sit down it's just a talk. After he's seated, you have a few things you need to do.
Task A: Degradation
Your first option is to beg him not to commit suicide. Typically this requires you do degrade yourself and throw away what pride you have. However, pride isn't likely to be a major concern of yours, otherwise you wouldn't be dating a suicidal guy. This approach typically involves the following.
- Batting eyes.
- Chicken Dance.
During this stage, he's likely to stare politely/menacingly/hungrily back at you. Should this occur, your only option to maintain your sanity is to stare politely right on through. If he stares hungrily then see HowTo:Deal with an emergency
Task B: Check escape routes
Look around you. What is it you see? Some sort of window to your right, a beautiful sash, leather belt, hard brick, and large handgun. All innocent items aren't they? NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! WRONG YOU DUMBASS! They are all implements that can possibly be used for your lover's impending suicide, which will definitely occur if you're still in the room. You must act quickly. As he goes left to try and gain distance to work up a jump, you stay right and block his escape trajectory. The stress should cause you to see imaginary lines in your plane of vision, known to psychologists as fear and blame. Also, at this time you are likely to remember an urgent appointment elsewhere, and you may begin to wonder why you came.
Step Two: Stay up all night
Ooh, slumber party! I'll bring the popcorn, you bring the Mary Kate and Ashley movies! This is going to be fun, right? WRONG AGAIN YOU WORTHLESS PILE OF DUNG!! This is no slumber party. Your objective is to stay up all night with your lover and make sure he doesn't decide to drink that month old milk in the fridge or take a whole bottle of Tylenol.
Step Three: Indoctrination
Let him know that you know best
'Cause after all, you do know best. ;-).
Try to slip past his defence
I recommend Schlipp's brand Bourbon for this one. It's got quite a punch, but not so much that he'll regurgitate on your new Hello Kitty shirt.
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL YOU GRANT HIM INNOCENCE!! STRENGTH THROUGH DISCIPLINE!!
Lay down a list of what is wrong
Well this should be easy, just list the things you've told him all along. Like the fact that he's suicidal. Oh, and don't forget to tell him to stop leaving his wet towel on the carpet. It gets it all mildewy and gross.
Invoke the aid of the divine
Pray to God that he hears you, and that your interrogation techniques have not done permanent damage to his hearing.
Repeat Step Two
Only while singing
Step Four: The Choice
When your man begins to shout, perhaps pleading for water or mercy or even the police, it's time to move onto the ultimate step. You must grant him The Choice. This choice must be made in a secluded area, so it's best to drive until you lose the road. This should be easier in rural areas such as Kentuckistan and Kazahkstan. After this, he will do one of two things...
Option A: He will admit to everything
He'll spill the beans regarding his suicidal tendencies, and maybe tell you where his stash of marijuana is too.
Option B: He'll tell you he's not the same
He'll inform you that he never really had suicidal tendencies, and was just trying to get you to break up with him. If this comes as a shock, well I can't really blame you. You're a bitch. After this, typically a sense of amnesia will envelop you and you'll forget the purpose of your being there.
Repeat Step Two, but with a loaded gun
Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend.
There are many ways in which you can go wrong while trying to save a life. These include, but are not limited to:
- Your friend said he was strong, so you dropped a car on him to see just how strong he was.
- Your friend said he could hold his breath for a long time, so you tied a lead ball to his foot and pushed him into the ocean to see just how long he could do it.
- You thought five seconds of CPR was long enough, so you went for a burger and a movie...
- Your friend actually wasn't suicidal, you went mad with the shame, and killed him to cover it up. After all, it worked with all the other bodies, right? RIGHT?
- Your Friend likes music, you bought him "Kanye West: Stronger" for his birthday and he/she/it/them jumped out of the nearest convenient window in agony and self pity. Well it's not as if you bought him a bag of shit for his birthday is it? IS IT?
- He said he can drive a car off a cliff and live. So you put him on a car that never stops heading towards a cliff. At least the police didn't found you. Wait are they here? CRAP
The Chinese have a saying that once you save a person's life you than share responsibility for everything that person does; so be careful who you save, particularly if it involves time machines.