HowTo:Make a name for yourself
Hey you. Yes you. Does talking to you directly intimidate you? Good.
This article is making mega, hard-core eye-contact with you right now and isn't backing down.
That's right. Mega, hard-core.
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Lesson 1: Intimidation
Lesson one of making a name for yourself is being intimidating. Being a force to be reckoned with. Make mega, hard-core eye-contact and don't back down. Good.
Lesson 2: The Gimmick
Now you need a gimmick. Your gimmick will take you from the status of "that kid" to "that awesome kid who _______s" This gimmick can't be dumb and gay, seriously, don't be retarded. Pick a goddamn good gimmick.
To be Loved
If you want to be loved by all, there's an easy way and a hard way.
The Hard Way
- Hone a skill. Become an amazing musician and travel around your community with a portable instrument. Another way is to capitalize on an old fad. You could be that guy admired by all for his amazing yo-yo-ing talents. Or that kid who can Bop-It better than anybody around. As long as you can show your gimmick talent off to your adoring local fans, a few hundred hours of grueling practice spent in complete solitude, dripping with the sweat of desperation for love and acceptance is the only thing stopping you from being that beloved stilt-boy, pogo kid or unicycle man of your dreams.
The Easy Way
- Become deplorable. Everybody loves that homeless guy who smiles through it all. Start gambling or drinking excessively. Don't quit your job, be sure to be fired. Go out with a bang (literally if possible). Sink yourself into as deep a societal hole as you can. Naturally disposed to mental illness? Stop taking those meds today! Get in over your head with problems so that you can't function normally in society. Stop bathing or wearing shoes. And start smiling! Wave and beam your newly rotting teeth at everyone you meet on the street. Your joy will be infectious, as well as your diseases, and you'll make everyone feel better about their problems because you have so many more.
- People also love underdogs who overcome odds and persevere. Disfigure yourself in some "accident." Then thrive despite the fact that you're crippled. People eat that shit up. Everyone will be talking about how that lawnmower mangled your arm and face but you're still the best damn grocery sacker in town with the most charming lop-sided grin they've ever seen.
To be Revered
If you want to be revered, that's also an option.
- Start smoking. You don't see Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny or any other children's commercialized Christian characters lighting up cigarettes. If Jesus smoked he'd be such a fucking badass. But no. He's filled with love. And not love of cigarettes. If anybody smokes it's be God, because he's the one full of wrath and smiting. So in conclusion, if you want to be revered, the first step is to be like God and start smoking.
- Acquire some illegal weapons. Brass knuckles and switchblades are a good start. When you are in a public place and need something to do with your hands, play with your weapons. Few things look cooler than someone flicking a switchblade just to pass the time. The people around you will undoubtedly whisper to each other to find out who you are, and you may get a tough nickname like Switchblade Steve. With a name like Switchblade Steve, nobody's going to mess with you. Once the nickname has been acquired, legally change it so you can sign your checks with it. Next time you're check bounces, no one will come knocking on Switchblade Steve's door to collect the money.
- Once you're established yourself as a local badass, you're transition into local organized crime will be a breeze. At this point you'll have to prove that you know how to put that switchblade to work, Steve. Before you're put to the test, you may want to quietly pick off some undocumented workers or other people no one will miss. The first murder is the hardest, believe me. In the end it will be all worth it when you are revered as a drug lord or mafia king.