HowTo:Make a Death Star
“With these simple instructions, I made my own Death Star!”
“Without any instructions, I destroyed a Death Star!”
“Death Stars cause Death ”
Everybody wants to know how to make a weapon capable of destroying a planet in a single attack. So why not make a Death Star of your own? It could turn out to be your life's goal or it could turn out just plain stupid. With this amazing guide, your Death Star will turn out to be the former, and not the latter. Just be sure to follow it.
Step One: Collecting the Right Supplies
The first step to a successful weapon of mass destruction is finding the right tools. Here is a basic list to get you started:
- Pokemon cards
- Three pieces of bubble gum (ABC Gum is best)
- Glue (Elmer's is recommended)
- SHOOP DA WHOOP LAZER
- A monkey (preferably one with high-tech knowledge to run your ship)
- Glow in the dark stickers
- Duct tape
- Chloroform (to "calm" the orphans)
- Three million metric tons of assorted metals
- Chuck Norris (Questionable, due to the impossibility of ever finding a way to catch him)
These are all easily found at your local Wal-Mart, which is another reason to get started as quickly as possible on this. Don't let someone else beat you to it!
Step Two: Finding the Right Location
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Before building, make sure to find the right location. EVERYBODY wants to be next to the planet they want to destroy, but first, consider these questions before choosing a spot to build:
- Will I see any of my idiot friends?
- Will there be hot chicks nearby?
- Is there a gas station located convieniently for my extremely large gasoline tank, and for my snacking needs?
- Are there any Wi-Fi streams that I can steal off of and not get caught so that I can watch hentai?
- Will there be any paradoxical worlds in which will make nobody...
Unfortunately, the last question will remain unfinished, because doing so would blow up the whole fucking world. For more details on that, see HowTo:Create a paradox that will probably end the universe as we know it.
Step Three: Building
Now that you have your supplies, you can build your weapon. Remember to use your orphans to do the heavy lifting. This is obviously the simplest part of making a Death Star; just follow the diagram:
Simple, right? Here are some easily followed numbered instructions:
- 1) This is where you insert your master Pokemon cards. Each download might attract the lethargic Digimon, causing viruses and your Death Star to explode into fragments. The insertion is very specific. You must:
- Sort the cards in alphabetic order.
- Sort the cards in numerical order, according to your Pokedex (you should've gotten one of these with your Pokemon cards)
Once this is done, you will receive a powerful army!
- 2) This is where you will place your SHOOP DA WHOOP LAZER. See following link on careful instructions as to use your newly bought SHOOP DA WHOOP LAZER.
- 3) This is the engine room. The cardboard and gum come into use here. The cardboard is meant to protect the fragile engine from enemies sneaking in and destroying it, and the gum is to stick to the engine to make it look like there's actually guards guarding it.
- 4) This is the room where you will employ workers. Make sure to have good interior decorating so that the possible future employee will feel comfortable and wanting to come into the Death Star family.
- 5) This is the main control room, in which your monkey will maintain the ship. Make sure to stock your refrigerator with bananas, or the monkey will go on strike.
- 6) This is where you'll command your ship. For more information on how to command, click here:
HowTo:Defeat EvilHowTo:Be An Evil Star Emperor.
- 7) This hallway is you can place your glow-in-the-dark stickers. They are especially helpful in distracting your enemy long enough for you to find them and kill them.
- Unlabeled: This is the exit out of your Death Star in case of an emergency. It also works to be a really good escape route for heroes when they find the map above. But of course you put it in a carefully locked vault... right?
Step Four: Completion!
Congratulations! You've now made your own Death Star! Now you can destroy whatever planets you want!
NOTE: Try not to blow up your home planet or the planet your vacation home is currently on, because then you wouldn't be intelligent.
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