HowTo:Create a paradox that will probably end the universe as we know it
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
“We are all going to die!!!”
“I did that last Tuesday.”
“It could be bad for your health.”
“What's the worst that can happen? ”
“I already did that once. You're the result.”
Wanna change the routine? Do you feel that you'll never gonna do something important? If you aren't Chuck Norris (and I know you are not) that means you aren't great and you want to do something important. So this simple guide will help you to annihilate everything not for a good cause, not for love, not for justice, but for being a selfish jerk who can't get a life. If you are lucky, maybe the universe will survive and you'll be able to impress your friends with your paradox.
Step 1: Analyze the reasons
Are you sure you want to kill everyone in the universe for being remembered? Keep in mind that there will be no one to remember you. What's the reason that leads you to do that? Is it a trauma of the childhood? If the reason is one of the following you can't go on:
- Destroying the Uncyclopedia.
Step 2: Make a pie
Don't eat the pie, give it to god so he will be distracted eating it while you create your paradox.
Step 3: Your own paradox
If you reached this step you should be very lucky or very stupid. Anyway, you are ready to make your first homemade paradox. Remember that having a paradox is a great responsibility, you'll have to take care of him/her so be prepared, and give him/her a nice name. We are ready, now you can do this to create your paradox:
- Analyze this sentence without having SEHS:"This is a lie"
[Note: After impending thought, I have discovered that this cannot be a lie without contradicting itself, therefore being a lie.]
- Pick the calculator and type 8, %, 0, =.
- Find Waldo.
- Defeat a grue.
- Finish Half-life using only the crowbar.
- Come back in time and kill your grandfather.
- Torture Jack Bauer.
- Kill THE REAL JIB HIMSELF Only With The Crowbar, or one of his inventions.
- Finish Doom in Nightmare mode.
- Beat the Rubik's cube with your tongue.
- Lick your elbow.
- Get an Euroipod.
- Capture a Ceiling cat.
- Divide by zero.
- Divide tape with tape.
If you can successfully do something from above you should have your own paradox, and instantly the universe would be destroyed. But we are still here, that means you couldn't achieve any of the simple tasks from above. That's because you are pathetic and you are never going to be remembered. Get out of here and return to your boring routine.