HowTo:Make Breakfast Goo (For Men)

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

HowTo:Make Breakfast Goo (For Men)

(That will blow off your cock)

Disclaimer: I'm about to teach you some pretty experimental shit, so I will hold no responsibility for anyone whose face is blown out the back of their heads at how revolutionary it is. I also hold no responsibility for any dicks blown off by how delicious this shit tastes.


Step fucking one

Okay then, firstly make sure you are mentally prepared for what is about to happen. Breathe in slowly through your nose and exhale out your mouth. If you are not calm then the next steps will definitely make you freak the fuck out.

Once you feel ready for the journey that lies ahead, you must get yourself a mug. Not some small-time pussy sized mug, a big fucker like the one pictured to the left here. I chose one that illustrates my manly love for chocolate. Chocolate is fucking delicious, don't even try to deny that. you lying piece of shit.


Step Two, Pussy

Okay, you're doing good, you've managed to contain the sexual energy of getting your manly-as-shit mug. Now you must get your first ingredient: wheat bisk. You can use any kind of similar cereal but I'm using ASDA's own, because do I look like I'm made of money to you? FUCK.


Now I know what you're thinking. This is a drink, what the fuck do I need cereal for? Well this is a fucking breakfast GOO so you're gonna need something to thicken it out, and what could be better than some delicious-ass wheat? One is usually enough to make it a nice consistency, but once you've done this a couple of times you might be able to handle a second. Crush that mother fucker up in your mug. Treat it like it owes you some money, because that wheaty asshole needs to be crushed as SHIT otherwise it won't melt properly later on.

Step Three


Now it's time for some coffee. Coffee AND cereal?? Yes motherfucker. I told you this shit was from the future. Add as much coffee as you want, obviously more = better. Notice I'm not using some fucking pussy tea spoon? Who do you think I am? A fucking lady?

Remember: caffeine shakes are god's way of saying "You've started this way correctly". Keep this in mind when adding your ingredients.


Step The fuck Four

Tea AND Coffee?? I know what you're thinking, this is bat shit insane, but let's consider this for a moment. It's in the morning, you don't have time to choose which delicious beverage you want to drink, and you certainly don't have to make both, so why not combine the shit out of them? Also it tastes so good you'll want to tear off your own balls because you didn't try this sooner.


Step Five

Now add some sugar, notice the big fucking spoon is back, because I'm not a pussy like you. If you're a total faggot and don't like sugar with your tea/coffee/wheat bisk, then I suggest you MAN THE FUCK UP and put it in anyway.


Step Six

Now add some hot chocolate in the mix. Like I said earlier, this shit is fucking delicious. If it wasn't, why the fuck would they put it on the side of a mug?
Jesus Christ.

It doesn't matter how much you put in, just pour the fucker until you have a nice brown dusty mound.

Step Seven


Now it's time for the secret fucking ingredient: cinnamon. This shit will turn this goo from good to cock-blown-off good. You can never add too much of this shit, so just pour it the fuck in and stop whining like a little bitch. The delicious warming scent may cause you to become deeply aroused - don't worry, this is normal.


Step Eight

Jesus Fuck you're almost finished. Now you must add some boiling as shit water. If you're not a complete dumbass, you will have already set the kettle to boil so you can just pour that shit straight in.

The delicious aroma of your goo will hit you in the face harder than a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick brick thrown by Steven Seagal. Try to contain your ravenous urge to drink your goo for a moment because there's still more shit to do.

Step Nine


Okay, now this part is the fucking KEY. Stir the fuck out of your goo. Don't worry if it isn't a thick brew yet, this won't happen until it cools down a little. Make sure you SQUEEZE THE TEABAG on the side with your spoon (As shown in that awesome as shit picture). If you don't there's pretty much no point putting in a teabag at all because you won't be able to taste that shit.

Final Fucking Step


Lastly, pour some fucking milk. Milk is good because it comes out of a cow, and cow is fucking delicious, so you know this shit is good.

I'm using semi-skimmed milk here because I used all the full fat stuff making this shit earlier. I don't advice using semi-skinned milk unless you're a fat piece of shit and could do with a little less fat. Finally stir that motherfucker again and you're ready to drink your creation.

Safety Information

I strongly recommend you drink this goo in a well populated area with a nearby hospital. This is because this breakfast goo is so fucking delicious that it will literally blow your cock clean off. Woman should consult their doctor before drinking this shit because of the sheer amount of testosterone produced while making and drinking this goo may cause you to grow a penis, which will then be blown off from how fucking good this shit actually is.


See Also

HowTo:Make Breakfast Dew (For Women)

Gorillatrans.gif Featured HowTo: Article Featured on the 21st of May 2011
  This HowTo has been featured on the HowTo: namespace. Want to know HowTo get your own HowTo featured? Just write something good.

Potatohead aqua.png Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 17 June 2011
This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
Template:FA/17 June 2011