HowTo:Kiss ass

Is this what you truly are? Then you've come to the right place.

“In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth, and told Adam and Eve, "If you want to be in the Garden of Eden forever, then keep kissing my Godly ass. ”

~ Adam's misfortune

“The only thing more despicable than a banker, politician or lawyer is a brown-noser.”

~ HowTo:Be a Douchebag

“Worry about your own fortunes, Gentlemen. The deepest circle of Hell is reserved for betrayers and mutineers. Oh, I forgot to Google this...lackeys and sycophants.”

~ Pirate Jack Sparrow

So, you wanna be rich, famous and successful? Date a girl way out of your league? Pose with your favorite celebrity? Avoid paying bills? Slack off at work yet be first in line for promotions and advancements? Casually transfer your responsibility onto someone else when you can't get your shit together because of the realization that you're one hell of a mediocre midget?

Welcome to the mother of all self-help ideas on the Internet. If you already wasted time and money on self-improvement books and the "think positive" bullshit that makes millionaires out of select authors (who've been anyway kissing publisher ass since years), you must have realized by now that no matter what you do to improve your chances, the odds are heavily stacked against you. All human beings in a position of power or influence turn into self-centered bitches who care little about your talents and abilities (i.e. if you had any in the first place). The only way to get anything out of them is on a strictly quid pro quo formula. Basically, what this means is when you expect any favor from the beautiful, rich and powerful, you must be able to give something big in return. It could be in cash or kind: it could be your left kidney or your dead mother's parting gift for you.

Assuming you are poor, ugly and broke (most likely), you obviously have nothing to offer that will interest the people that matter in your life. However, there is one thing that you can still do: all it requires is a fundamental shift in your attitude and everything honorable that you once stood for. If you're ready for this big change, the art of kissing ass can grow on you like slime mold on a toilet sink. Once perfected, it will open new avenues of opportunity that you never knew existed. However, you have been warned - adopting these soul-less methods will degrade you in your own eyes so much that even when you get to where you wanted, you will not like the final turn-out of events. Moreover, you won't be able to look most people straight in the eye and will have made more enemies than friends.

Step One: Change your values

Joe Biden - Once you've mastered ass-kissing, this is what your face would look like.

HowTo This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series. See more HowTos

If you spent a lot of years in any form of schooling system or religious upbringing, chances are by now you're indoctrinated with the condescending crappola called "moral values": stuff like commitment, fairness, truth, loyalty, goodness, gentleness, equality, self-respect, respect for others, integrity, honor, reliability, punctuality and phew...a long list there. Well, time to realize all this is nothing but horse-shit standing between you and your object of desire.

It's about time you started unlearning everything your parents, teachers and other positive role models ever taught you. In fact, the onset of ass-kissing capabilities in any person stems from the eventual realization that you're not really a decent, honorable person you thought yourself to be but just another self-centered asshole who has been thriving on other's generosity for years without even realizing it. Consider this:

• If you're already rich, obviously you have inherited the money so keep kissing your rich daddy's ass.
• If you're a college student struggling to pay your rental bills, you've obviously been kissing the property owner's ass so one fine day you don't find yourself thrown out in the street with all your belongings.
• If you're dating a girl way hotter than what your mother was in her youth (just compare her old photos with that of your girlfriend), it's obvious a point comes when you have to resort to ass-kissing simply to ensure she doesn't elope with the beefy, muscular guy who bashes you regularly near the gym locker.
• If you are dealing with dishonest auto mechanics (i.e. 100% of them), kissing ass can mean the difference between being overcharged and daylight robbery.

Well, enough of preaching. I hope you realize by now that being a good ass-kisser is really not as bad as it sounds. Or, maybe it does? Either way, stop over-analyzing your new amoral values. In fact, it is very important that you quit being deep-thinking as in the past. Mark my words, you simply can't afford unnecessary guilt-trips and past baggage when presenting your ass-kissing self to the world. In order to set a proper benchmark, just recall the biggest asshole you ever met in life: as much as you may hate him for all the nasty things he did to you, you will do a lot better by becoming him - in fact, aspire to be a lot worse. If he stole from friends, you should steal from the homeless. Just get in that state of mind.

Step Two: Learn the techniques

To be in the right ass-kissing frame of mind, always wear a stupid grin on your face like this boy.

Ass-kissing, like any other subject discipline requires years of honing skills to acquire the desired amount of efficacy. Unless you are Justin Timberlake or Bill O'Reilly, you cannot expect to transform yourself overnight, especially considering the fact that you have to first undo years of positive brainwashing acquired from your surroundings. However, with a proper application of douchebaggery, spinelessness and cowardice, you can be well on your way to write your own ass-kissing Bible on Uncyclopedia.

For the uninitiated, here are a helpful few tips that will mark your seamless transition to the exciting, relentless world of ass-kissing.

• Identify your precise target: That's right, you don't really kiss an ass that yields nothing of value to you apart from the shit-stench.

This is your dinner for tonight, turd

• Watch a lot of scat porn to metaphorically habituate your brain to the fact that what you're really dealing in another person whose ass you're kissing, is utter crap. If required, desensitize yourself to the graphic description of shit by smelling and licking used toilet papers after your target just returned from the restroom. It's not really shit - it's a goldmine of opportunities waiting for you.
• Practice flattery: The pinnacle of dishonest behavior, it costs next to nothing to give an original, false compliment even if the target knows you're kissing ass; especially when they're feeding for attention. "Oh, I like the color of the shirt you're wearing."; "That's a pretty purse. It must be expensive!"

Muslim ass-kissing chain.

• Convert to Islam: The way these people kiss Allah's ass is a real inspiration. The fact that you can blow yourself for a cause is the supreme height of ass-kissing.
• If you work in a building where there are plenty of offices, try hitting constantly on the receptionists. Most of them are stuck in a dead-end job and would appreciate an ego boost that comes due to flattery.
• Make excuses to hang out with your target. Since, it's obvious he/she is too busy to care about you, you can start by cleaning their desks and car front, wiping their boots, fetching their print-outs or answering their phone calls; anything to show them that you care.
• Take their pets out for a walk. Use Google to find out all the ways you can befriend another man's pet.
• Stalk them on social media (Facebook, Twitter, blogs) and try to dig any possible information about them; favorite music, books, pet peeves ("I don't like cream with strawberries"). Maintain a database of information you never know when you might need them.

Step Three: Kissing ass of women

Kissing female ass is excellent value because it is kinky and result-oriented at the same time.

Contrary to what all dating coaches will tell you, most women respond best to ass-kissers while the Alpha males sweat out in the gym all alone. All right, given the fact these women may not exactly take you as "date material" because of your newly-acquired hideous personality, but with the proper application of flattery and unmanly behavior, you do get to hang out a lot with them while not having to spend a dime on their upkeep. Given the fact most girls are jealous bitches, all you have to do now is maintain a sizeable database of women whose ass you like to kiss and you may soon score a fuck buddy.

Again, a disclaimer to be added here. Even the most hideous women have some class and may not like to be seduced by ass-kissers because of their lowest status in the pecking order of males. But, since you obviously get to spend a lot of time with these women, with some deceitful planning and douchebaggery, you may think of spiking their drinks and rape them while they're unconscious. Later, you can kiss ass again to seek forgiveness.

Step Four: Kissing ass at the workplace

Kissing ass at the workplace will take you places in your career.

Kissing ass at the workplace is a rewarding experience but fraught with risks because you have to deal with several competing co-workers who are usually ahead of the game when it comes to sucking up to the boss. They'll do everything possible to derail your ambitions but it's very important for you not to give up. Follow the steps below.

• If possible, try to be in a position where your boss is female. And, apply Step Three.
• Grow a thick skin. Laugh the loudest when they're laughing at you.
• Try to understand your place in the chain of command leading up to the targeted boss. If there are say, three people in succession, kiss ass of all three in equal measure and proper force.
• Try to get to know the boss's families and children (however, resist the urge to sleep with their wives).
• Document all thoughts expressed by your boss in a meeting. Expand on those notes for a detailed presentation next day.
• Learn new trades such as Thai foot massage or Acupuncture. Most bosses are stressed all the time, so could do with some help.
• Always agree with everything your boss says. Never grow a spine.

Step Five: Pulling it all together

Having mastered the basics of ass-kissing, you can go a few steps ahead and add new skills and dimensions to your original capabilities. You will have to completely change your hobbies and pastimes to mirror the habits of those whose ass you want to kiss. You may want to wear clothes of their liking, wear a hairstyle they like and read the exact books and listen to the exact music they love. If they ever call you out on your ass-kissing ways, all you have to do is respond with a stupid grin and endear yourself to them further.