HowTo:Go back in time and assassinate Hitler with a weapon that has a homemade silencer on it

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

So, you're reading this article and want to go back in time and assassinate Hitler with a weapon that has an improvised/ home-made silencer attached. Well, read on.


The following article contains extremely accurate information and should be regarded as absolute truth. Anything else is strictly prohibited and will result in nothing of great consequence happening something bad happening... probably... maybe.

I'm 12 and what is a Hitler?[edit]


12 year olds generally have a low chance of successfully assassinating Hitler

Hitler is that guy with the moustache and one bollock. No, the other one.


Yeah, him.

But, I thought silencers were illegal?[edit]

You were misinformed. In fact, silencers are encouraged because murdering people can cause residents to lose sleep, and silencers can take this problem out of the equation.

OK, where do I start?[edit]

Well, first we should get ourselves a weapon. I would recommend a firearm of some type, because otherwise there would be no reason making a silencer, dumbass.

Which firearm should I get?[edit]

I'm thinking a rifle, because pistols are small like my your cock and bigger is better, so fuck that shit. Also, shotguns are pretty badass but only if you can hold them sideways and fire and cock them with one hand, which you can't. Machine guns don't exist, so they are not an option.

This leaves rifles, which have long range and can detect enemies' heartbeats if you put an LCD screen on them, which is an added bonus.

How do I obtain a rifle?[edit]

There are many methods.

Method 1

  • Obtain some magical paper (sometimes referred to as 'money' or 'currency')
  • Go to a gunstore and exchange the magical paper for a rifle.
Like this. But with a rifle.

Method 2

  • Ask politely for the gun dealer to give you a rifle for free, claiming that it is 'for the greater good'.
  • When this fails, smack him in the face with an improvised weapon.
  • Steal the rifle and then go to a random chatroom and spam 'lololololololol' until you are booted.

Method 3

Seeing as you want to go back in time and murder Hitler, you are probably crazy, and the type of person who owns a rifle anyway. Just use the rifle you own already (remember, it is your fate to use that rifle!).

How do I make a silencer?[edit]

Well, you get a PVC pipe and fill it with washers and shit, and then drill some random holes that release gasses evil demons. Oh, you wanted something a bit more complex?

How does a silencer work and shit?[edit]

  • A silencer has three main sections
  • Section 1 is used to reduce/ absorb heat
  • Section 2 lowers the bullet to/ below sub-sonic speeds
  • Section 3 reduces the libido of the bullet

Aside from getting a PVC pipe and filling it with washers and shit, are there any other methods?[edit]

You can get a 2L soda bottle and fill it with newspaper, then attach it to the barrel of your gun.

Note: Emphasis on 'can'. It doesn't work, although it is still possible to make if you so desire.

So I have a silencer and a rifle, now what?[edit]

Attach the two together, smartass.


Fuck you and stop dicking around. yall need to get da fuck otta here hes a good man

No, but seriously![edit]

Use duct tape, as long as you don't mind it flying off if you are using a weapon that harnesses more power than say, yo momma's little finger.

Otherwise, you will have to hit the workshop and get the silencer screwed onto the barrel.

OK, I've got my silenced rifle and I'm totally confident that it will not only silence the firearm, but also keep the bullet on a straight path, and totally not fall of uselessly, now what?[edit]

You need a time-machine.

There are only 2 ways of acquiring one.

The easy way

Murder Doctor Who and steal his TARDIS

The harder way

Plagiarise Doctor Who's ideas and time-machine. Don't worry, I'm sure he wouldn't bother patenting such a useless invention.

Reasons why you must use a TARDIS/ TARDIS imitation[edit]

Because they are bigger on the inside... somehow, and this is awesome. Do not question it.

A Time Machine? Yeah, Seems legit..

How to build a TARDIS[edit]

While it may appear complicated, it is actually very easy.

The first step is to make a big blue police box. This is necessary.

Once finished, construct some consoles in weird shapes with unnecessary LED's everywhere. This is also necessary.

Somehow it will all fit together and form a time machine.

OK LETS GO AND KILL HITLER!!!!!!111111!!!shift+1!!!!![edit]


Er... pull the lever then.

No, the other lever. NOT THAT ONE!

Holy shit, you're fucking retarded. I'll do it.

*Pulls lever*

Where are we?[edit]

Germany in the mid 20th century.... why, what were you expecting, a night club in the year 3000? Oh.. you were? Whatever, it doesn't matter, we're here and that's that.

I'm scared of the dark :([edit]

Cool story bro, but seeing as it is daytime I hardly see how this is relevant. We need to kill Hitler and we have no time to waste.

So, where do we find Hitler?[edit]

That's a good question.

Maybe we should follow the trail of conveniently placed dead Jews.

I see him![edit]

Who, Hitler?

Oh, no... I meant that famous guy[edit]

Which one?

You know, the one with that little toothbrush moustache???[edit]

What? That IS Hitler!

SHIT! What do we do now?[edit]


With what?[edit]

What the hell do you mean? With the goddamn silenced rifle we spent hours obtaining!

But... I left that in the stolen time-machine..[edit]

Why the hell did you do that?

I didn't realise we were assassinating Hitler, I thought we were going to a nightclub, remember?[edit]

OK, let's just relax, all we have to do is go back to the TARDIS and retrieve the rifle.


Um... I think he's noticed us![edit]

Wie heisst du?

Shit, what did he say?

He said he's going to eat our brains and then rape what's left our mutilated bodies![edit]

Oi Bitch. Yeah you. What's ya name son? You a Jew? Yeah, we have a special camp for you.

Oh fuck no.

Nah, just kidding. I don't speak German[edit]


Let's get to the TARDIS, ASAP.

An hour later[edit]

OK, there he is.

Dude, is he masturbating?[edit]


Headshots get double points

What? He's not masturbating, he's just playing the banjo. You have a sinister mind. Weirdo.

Yeah, but it doesn't matter.

Aim for the head.


In conclusion[edit]

  • Make sure that the silencer is loosely fitted on the barrel of the rifle to improve efficiency
  • Always aim for the head, especially when dealing with Nazis, or Zombies, or Nazi Zombies, like in CoD:WaW
  • Always assume that any time-travelling trip is going to be one where you assassinate a fascist leader, as opposed to going to a nightclub.
  • Take note of the toothbrush moustache. NEVER FORGET THE MOUSTACHE!

See Also[edit]