HowTo:Go Christmas shopping at the last minute

I'm here to help. That's you on the right.

Well, you've done it again.

It's the day before Christmas, and you still haven't completed any of your shopping obligations. Now, Bill was opting to take you outside and shoot you, but I'm a nicer guy than that. I'm gonna help you with your shopping, see. We're gonna get this done, and no one will be the wiser.

Preparing Yourself

Alright, first, we gotta get some supplies. Grab some food, water, a length of rope, and more food. Grab some for me too. I like those little Cheese Crackers the most.

Now, you must choose what store you want to shop at. Normally, I would recommend going to some small shop run by old people, to avoid all the crowds... but where's the fun in that? Wal-Mart it is, then.

Parking

The Parking Lot Space Reduction Team, contemplating their next move

Without a doubt, the parking lot will be jammed with throngs of moronic procrastinators like you. It is now your mission to hunt down an available parking space, and claim it for yourself. Go ahead and try.

(Three hour pause)

Haha! Not as easy as it looks now, is it? Well then, here's how I would recommend going about finding a parking space:

1. Cruise slowly through the parking lot, remaining as inconspicuous as you possibly can in a minivan.
2. Continue in this fashion until you see a shopper emerge from the mall. Follow this shopper, keeping your bumper about 4 inches from their calves, to let the other circling cars know that the shopper belongs to you.
3. Sometimes your shopper will try to indicate that he or she was merely planning to drop off some packages, and go back to shopping. If this happens, rev your engine in a festive fashion, assuring him or her that they would never make it.
4. As soon as the shopper has departed, pull into the lot sharply so that no other car can possibly slip in before you.

Now you've gotta clamber out of the car through the windows, which is necessary because the crack Parking Lot Space Reduction Team has been at work again. They get out here almost every night and redo the entire parking lot, each time making the spaces smaller, until they are using, say, a Jell-O box to measure the distance between lines. "Let's see them fit in there," they say, laughing, because they know we will try.

Gift Ideas

For the Wife

The last time I checked, your wife was a woman. And women like shiny things. Now, since you've already married her, a ring is out of the question. And a gun would just provoke her. Personally, I'd go for the necklace. Not only will her love for you increase, but there's the off chance that she'll strangle herself. Worked for my last wife, anyway.

For the Kids

Those little monsters sure don't deserve it, but you'd better get them presents anyway, or you'll be sleeping downstairs longer than you did last year. The GI JOE action figures work surprisingly well with boys, though they tend to leave them in strange places, such as under the refrigerator, on top of bookshelf, and in the microwave, half baked.

Little girls love anything that boys don't, especially them Barbie dolls. The only problem is, those boys love takin' them from their sisters, stickin' them in the microwave, and setting it on "defrost". You might want to buy at least 300 of them Barbies, just to keep the girls happy.

Oh, yeah. And buy a new microwave too. And get me some more of those cheese crackers.

For the Relatives

Now, relatives are a tricky bunch. You hardly know them, yet they still demand a gift each year, and the fruitcake just won't cut it. You've gotta go all out. Take a quick peek in the literature section, for those gigantic coffee table books with boring names, such as "The Tractors of Spain" or "Fire Hydrant: A Life Story," and buy a couple dozen of them. Relatives absolutely love those, especially in a drafty winter when firewood is scarce.

Purchasing Your Items

All right, listen up. This is important. Around the holidays, those sales clerks get a bit edgy. Sure, you think you can just go up to a cashier, purchase your items, and hightail it on home, right?

Yeah, I know. That's what you thought last year too.

The way to find a sales clerk is, look around the store for one of those unmarked doors, then burst into it without warning. There you will find dozens of clerks sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth and wimpering to themselves from weeks of exposure to the holiday environment. Now all you need to do is this:

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1. Politely ask to be served by one of the clerks.
2. Repeat step #1, until an agitated clerk threatens you with a knife.
3. Steal the clerk's knife, and force him to check out your items.

Make sure you give him a generous tip. It's Christmas, dude.

Sneaking Back Home

So you've finally made your purchases and have left the parking lot with minimal civilian casualties. What do you think we should do now?

(Momentary pause while you stupidly suggest driving straight home to wrap the gifts.)

Yeah, good thinking. Let's just waltz you into the house with your last-minute Christmas shopping and see how that goes with your wife, who of course purchased her Christmas presents last June. No, my friend, that will only make her give you the "responsibility" talk again. Need I remind you of the Salami Incident? Yeah that didn't go over so well either. We need to do this with one of my best friends: stealth.

First, park six blocks away in a deserted alley. No one wants to steal a minivan anyway, just leave it there. Carefully pile the presents into your arms and inconspicuously mosey down the street, being very careful not to draw attention to yourself. If anyone approaches you, make a snide, vaguely threatening remark about jolly old Santa under your breath and they'll shuffle away cautiously, not daring to look into the eyes of a madman.

Ow! Watch those presents, will ya? Just balance them somehow, it doesn't matter if you can see or not. And hand me my cheese crackers while you're at it.

Okay, now when you get about a block away from your house, nimbly dart through your neighbor's backyards until you reach your own. Be sure to watch out for the inflatable snowmen. They look innocent enough, sure, but I'm telling you, those things were created by Satan himself to trip holiday do-gooders.