HowTo:Find the remote control

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Where is it?

Are you sick and tired of having to get your lazy ass up off the couch to change the channel on the television? Did the remote control you seek so desperately seem to have disappeared? Are you unable to cease wondering if this is the end? Well wonder no more! I am here to help you find that remote control!

Getting ready[edit]

Before you begin your dangerous quest, be sure that you have all the right tools for the job. You will need:

  • a flashlight
  • a forklift
  • 47 pounds of snack cakes
  • 3 weeks of spare time — but since you have no job, and live on your parent's couch, this should be easy
  • and several motivational posters

Remember to have these items in a location in which they will be easily accessible and won't be lost (like the remote). A utility belt, or perhaps just a corner in the room, will do nicely. Now that you have the required items, you should make sure that the room is neat and tidy, and there are no distracting odors present. If there are, go to your local store and buy some of that fancy new air sanitizer that was on that one commercial you saw last night. No, not that one, the other one that you wanted to change the channel on but couldn't because you had lost the remote. Also, make sure that it is unscented — as you don't want to become hungry if you smell lemon or strawberries while on your search.

All taken care of? Good. Let's move on.

Starting the search[edit]

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To start off the search, check in all of the obvious places that a remote control would be in. Wait, what do you mean you found it in a roll of fat? Eww... give me that. You'll get it back when you find it again.

Anyway, look in the couch/sofa/recliner/whatever the word is that your country calls it. Nothing? Okay, lets move on to some more sophisticated spots, try searching:

  • behind the TV
  • in the toaster
  • on top of the freezer

Still nothing? Try going through your mum's underwear drawer. Whaddya mean, you're scared? Just do it pussy. It's not my fault that she's coming home soon — just go through her panties! And bring me back a pair. No not those, something lacier. Ooh, those are nice, thank you. Okay, anyway, back to searching for the remote.

Look in places like the toilet. I don't care if there's poo in there, it's not that bad. Just reach right in there and feel around a little. What, no that's not the remote! That's shit you weirdo. Just... just put that shit down, and no, there's no time to wash your hands — we have a remote to find!

Look in that shredding machine. Don't worry about those sharp edges, they won't hurt you. Stop whining, that didn't look so bad. For the last time, there is no time to wash your bloody hands! I don't care how bad it is! Stop crying, you baby. You know what, fuck it, I'll just come back tomorrow.


Hey, how's it been? Have you found the remote yet? No? Well that's why I'm back. What happened to your hand there? Well, to be fair, you're the one who actually stole them, not me. What do you mean, "you're grounded for a week"? How old are you? Fine, I'll come back later.

A week later[edit]

Good work.

What? Your mum saw the credit card bill? Why should I care? I'm not the one who spent ten grand on forklifts, industrial spotlights, Twinkies, and posters.

So now you're grounded for six months?! Well, she's not even here, now is she? Besides, I have some new ideas to help you find the remote. Now, since we've exhausted all of the beginner's spots, it's time to really get going. Today, we are going to dig up the backyard! Yes, of course it'll be fixed by the time your mum gets back. Here, just take this shovel, nevermind that blood — no it's not mine. But, since there is only one shovel, you will have to do all the hard work. I'll go get us some drinks, and then, uh, supervise.

Uhh, what's that sound? Whaddya mean your mum is home? Okay, okay. You start filling in the holes you dug, and I'll just watch from behind that fence there.

The next day[edit]

All right, today is the day! The day we finally find the remote! It's buried somwehere in the front yard, I just know it! C'mon, don't be a downer! Just because she grounded you for life doesn't mean anything. You have to do it, okay? You want to find the remote, don't you? I don't care, just get the shovel. I'm not waiting for you to fill in the hole in the backyard, you shouldn't have dug that far anyway. Shut up! Don't interrupt me. All-


...and here, just take your fucking remote, I don't need it anyways.