HowTo:Fend off a rapist
Rapists. We all know who those guys are. They are those annoying people sneak up on from behind and violate you where the sun don't shine. Then once they are done they run off leaving you feeling totally unsatisfied. Because of the growing number rapes people are growing more concerned about preventing rape. Fortunately for you there are a number of easy way to fend of a rapist!
Types of rape
- Physical; Not exactly exciting. This includes beating your face in until you look like a smurf (so the rapist can stand your looks) and shoving his hooha in your heehee. Side effects may include a big blood blotch on your jeans and blood drippin on the ground (SICK)
- Mental; This usually happens for instance, when your teacher gives you so much homework and no directions, therefore your mind starts dripping blood on the ground and you get impregnated with psychosymantic drugs.
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Good weaponry is one of the easiest ways to deal with rapists. Weapons can be divided into to categories: ranged weapons and melee weapons. For a more in-depth dissertation on counter rapist weaponry see HowTo: Fend off a Rapist with Melee Weapons and HowTo: Fend off A Rapist with Ranged Weapons. A brief overview of each follows.
Useful a variety of distances, ranged weapons are understandably the choice of the modern rape conscious citizen. Popular ranged weapons are as follows:
- Desert Eagle: A good easy to carry gun, the DE (as we in the industry call it) will easily cope with an amateur rapist. However strong rapist may be able to overcome its power even when a whole clip is emptied into them
- Assault Rifle: Fast and powerful an assault rifle will hold back a veritable horde of rapist with ease. Some experts have cited "numerous reports" that people find the assault rifle is too unwieldy but their claims are not valid
- Rocket launcher widely regarded as one of the most effective methods of stopping rapists, the sucker (I gotta get my mind out of the gutter) will blow (Jeez! I am pervert) of their feet. Some critics claim that since most rapists sneak up from behind (I am sick!) you will not be able to use the rocket until the are close , therefore posing a risk to you. However nobody really cares.
- Axe: noted for its ability to decapitate, the axe requires little skill to use. An excellent choice for a novice in rape-prevention.
- Chainsaw: a devilishly tricky weapon to use correctly but highly effective when done so. successful users have written about the amusement and comedy that they experience while reducing the rapist to human hamburger.
- RAPiEr: considered the most ironic counter rape weapon it is great fun and the author can't think of anything else to write about. Crap!
Avoid well lit public areas such as churches, police stations and courts. Most rapes occur in such areas. Stick to dark back alleys. Its much safer.
- Point & Laugh: Noted primarily for it's effectiveness in fending off a male attacker who is not particularly aggressive. Simply point at said perpetrator's johnson and laugh hysterically. 'It's so cute' or 'It's bite size' have also been known to work.
Numerous studies have shown that bodyguards are among the most effective anti-rape precaution one can take. Imagine you are a rapist and you see your prospective target. Just as you move in for the rape a bunch of big guys in suits and sunglasses with bulges in their shirts block your path and escort your would-be victim to safety. That little anecdote shows the effectiveness of bodyguards. It should be noted that bodyguards are not 100% guaranteed to prevent rape. Bodyguards have been known to rape the people the are paid to protect. Imagine a bunch of big guys in suits and sunglasses with bulges in their shirts and now bulges in their pants too. Scary!
The most difficult counter rape technique of all reverse rape if highly difficult to explain. In essence it involves the "victim" raping the "rapist" before they (the victim) gets raped. Immensely difficult to pull off it only should be attempted by a trained martial arts master. Failure properly pull off an attempted RR results in you getting raped 3 times, then being forced to watch 2 Girls 1 Calculus Equation. Do not attempt!!
Raping is for uglyass guys
Imagine your girlfriend getting raped by a dude who looks like he came out of a trash can, I bet you can't imagine him gettin inside your girl?? Yeah, raping is saved primarily for Gays and Jocks. There are three non-violent ways to stop a rapist.
1. Slit him by the throat (doesn't produce sound) 2. Throw him in a wood chipper, that way no mopping is necessary. 3. Ask him on a date.
In extremely rare cases, you may be raped by a really hot, busty, smokin hot chick. Don't worry, as this is an omen from jesus and you should just let her do her bidding.
But if she has a weapon, yeah, ur fucked.
Click here to get your victim shelter pamphlets now!!