HowTo:Catch A Mouse

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You wake up one fine sunny morning, open the blinds and stare at the birds flying past your window and mindful of your nakedness and the old biddy next door staring at your Wang, you decide to put on some clothes. You open the sock drawer and put on a pair of your new socks only to find they have a hole in them. Oh well you think; it must have been that bastard carpet gripper at the top of the stairs and you make a mental note to sort it out later that afternoon.

So You Go Downstairs...[edit]

...And start to think about breakfast. You'd love a fry-up but the wife has gone out and you can't be arsed to cook, so that leaves cereal. You pull out the box of super-ultra-mega-blast-sugar-pop-sugar-choc-o’s out of the cupboard and they spill everywhere... OH SHIT! But wait. For once it’s not your fault; there’s a chewed hole in the corner and closer inspection of the cupboard reveals little footprints in the flour that’s everywhere... Mouse footprints!

Little Bastard!

So What Do I Do?[edit]

Well firstly call in sick at work...this is a perfect excuse to have a day off, plus this may require time for the following reasons

  • You're a moron
  • The mouse is smarter than you
  • You're fat
  • Your wife has gone out
  • You haven't a fucking clue how to catch a mouse

well points 1-4 I can't really help you with but point five is the whole idea of this article so shut the fuck up and listen:

Buy A Cat[edit]

Is this what you want?

Yep, we've all seen it in the cartoons; Tom chases Jerry or some guy has a mouse and tries to kill it with a cat. All you need to do is go down to your local rescue center, buy one, place it in your house and go have a beer. Six hours later you should wake up with your house smelling strongly of urine and a little "present" on your bed.

Of course cats are known to breed, which could present you with a secondary problem potentially more dangerous than your original one. Quite often this leads to a period of prolonged escalation, with dogs brought in to deal with the cat issue, and so on. Due to this cats should only be considered as a last resort. However, cats have one serious advantage over the next most popular method of rodent disposal, poison. Pest control experts report that mice rapidly become immune to poison - however, they have never developed an immunity to cats.

Buy A Gun[edit]

Yeah you heard me; if you're the violent type who likes inanely blasting holes in things then this idea is for you. Just pop down to your local Gun store/Police Station/Mafia Safe house and get yourself a gun. Then settle down in a comfy place, put some food on the floor and wait for mousey to come wandering by...


Wander down to your local Tesco's and buy a poison of some kind, then just leave it in a place where the mouse is likely to find it. Note Do NOT eat the poison yourself as an example to the mouse; that's just idiotic and also if you have combined this with method one you may find a dead cat as well as a dead mouse on your kitchen floor.

Strategic Bombing[edit]

Good Old George

Only for use with extremely severe infestations. A quick call to king Dubya and he should happily send over a Bunker buster carrying stealth bomber to blow the living shit out of your house and whatever’s in it. I advise you to be as far away as possible when this happens as your neighbours may not totally approve of this method and may be a little pissed off

Run Away[edit]

Yes that’s right; run away


Hopefully, some or all of the above mentioned methods should remove the vermin from your home and you should be able to live in peace. Should...until your wife comes back that is...