Gun control

“No Cyclops, you'll shoot your eye out.”
~ Storm on lightning rods

“It's a polarizing issue.”
~ Magneto on ~~elections~~ electrons

Chuck Norris does not need guns, but will destroy you if you try to take them away.

Gun control was invented by the liberal watchdogs to ensure that the Red States never again attempted to secede from the Union. It was also created to deter logic from ever entering the debate on Criminology by people who have never seen a single western. The city of Chicago is a perfect example of how well it serves to prevent gun violence.

Reasons[edit]

Seeing as how us armed criminals have a penchant for felony murder, rape, and robbery, liberals were certain that misdemeanor gun charges would deter criminals from carrying guns. These rules are easily enforced since everyone knows that all guns used in crimes are purchased in federally licensed gun stores by licensed individuals who register the guns are leave the serial number intact. There is no way that criminals would purchase or steal unregistered, black-market firearms with their numbers filed off.

This says it all!

Police Protection[edit]

Keeping guns away from homeowners with families to protect makes perfect sense because they can always call the police. That is, assuming that they wake up in time and the police are just a block away. Like the police motto goes, “when seconds count, we’re just minutes away.”

Guns Are Bad. Period.[edit]

Guns kill people, much in the same way that pencils make spelling mistakes and computers commit internet fraud.
If you use a gun to defend your life, there is a 100% chance that the criminal will disarm you and use your own gun against you, even though the criminal will probably be carrying a weapon of his own.
The average law abiding citizen does not have the skill required to use a gun in self defence properly. Guns are extremely complicated devices, that can only be used properly by NASA trained, super-police officers.
Guns are an extremely easy and simple way for criminals to murder people.
We must ban all guns because there are thousands of unstable lunatics out there who will get hold of them and kill dozens of innocent people.
Guns are more dangerous than lawsuits, but cost a lot less, especially from people with a lot of time on their hands or who can barely afford rent. This is clearly unfair competition to attorneys.
Those who argue that they need guns to defend themselves from unstable lunatics are clearly paranoid.
Guns are at least as dangerous as cars, and we require licenses from anyone who wants to use a car, so we should license guns, so we will know who has them (legally).
Only the police and military can be trusted with guns. Be warned, pro-gunners (AKA Pro baby murderers) will try to tell you that the most deadly shooting spree in history was carried out a by a South Korean police officer using police issue weapons. This is a lie. No police officer or military person has ever abused their position or had a mental breakdown and kill a bunch of people, ever.

Criticism[edit]

Some redneck fools have been critical of gun control. They have claimed that disarming a population will leave them vulnerable to naturally opportunistic criminals. Why nothing could be further from the truth! Criminals would have to yield to gun-free zones as they did at Columbine, NIU, Virginia Tech, Lane Bryant, and the Westroads Mall. The National Poison Association and bio terrorist rights advocates argue that every citizen should have the right to inject assailants with bizarre biochemical weapons currently listed as controlled substances, or to carry a sample of Spanish Flu onto a crowded subway in order to feel safer, not just CIA agents and research scientists in laboratories.

Concealed carry laws allow you to hide certain weapons on your person, but they don't apply to having secret passages filled with booby traps hidden in your building like a ninja; all the blueprints still have to be filed with the city, there's no escape tunnels, torture chambers, speakeasies or Batcaves.

Flame throwers are great for hunting as they make dressing the kill easy by burning off most of the skin and fur into a horrific mess that's difficult to dress, starting more forest fires than target practicing with a steel plate while chain smoking and littering cigar butts. There's no better use for a concealed carry permit than a glass bottle squirt gun full of hydrochloric acid disguised as a super soaker. Blinding people with a powerful laser pointer is only illegal if they are aircraft pilots, making it an excellent way to cause car crashes that leaves behind little forensics evidence. The makes permanent blinding weapons illegal, because the military is like Superman in Man of Steel and thinks blinding people is more fucked up than killing them. Similarly Russia declared exploding small caliber rounds under 400 grams against a person as serving no purpose other than to make small amounts of someones insides explode,they are actually worse at penetrating armor so Russia banned them in the Saint Petersburg_Declaration of 1868, before they even deployed them on the battlefield as Russia was the first country be concerned for superfluous suffering caused by weapons. Tracer Bullets and other incendiary rounds are however still legal for taking down vehicles, as contrary to movies shooting a gas tank doesn't make it explode or catch the fuel on fire. Similarly Teflon "Cop Killer" Bullets were originally designed for cracking windshields and don't actually penetrate kevlar. Sonic weapons that permanently make people go deaf, unlike permanent blinding lasers are not illegal however, and are great for mysteriously crippling US diplomats. Mounting an otherwise legal gun on a car or ATV makes it a crime, and your license to drive will be revoked even if you're completely sober, however cruise ships are allowed to deploy "pain rays" that can unreliably microwave human skin, which is of course completely different than when the KKK built an X-ray cannon in a van. Tasers are legal, and guns are legal, so why not combine them into a 50,000 volt piezoelectric bullet that incapacitates on impact? The taser's already named after a ridiculously implausible and expensive sounding science fiction energy weapon from a children's book anyways, and short of someone inventing mass produced spider silk web shooters it's about as non lethal as you're going to get for taking down armored gunmen. Turning your lawn or building into a deathtrap by installing a sprinkler defense system would be highly illegal and inhumane, as everyone knows squirt guns are way too dangerous. So is burning trash indoors and attaching a fan to a trash can and making a poisonous smoke screen to blow down the hallway, the janitor would much prefer leaning up dead children.

Others have pointed out that important American politicians such as George Washington, Patrick Henry, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Charlton Heston have all been supporters of an armed citizenry; everyone being able to launch their own nuclear missile and driving an M1 Abrams tank or Apache helicopter to work was clearly what they had in mind, being that the founding fathers were all infallible precogs. However, these people are dead so their opinions do not matter.

Potential Sexism[edit]

Sarah defends her taste in swimwear.

A few whining women have complained that gun control is sexist. This is a simple minded fallacy spouted by red leader Sarah Palin. If there is anything the world has learned from anime, it’s that a 300lbs. rapist will easily be defeated by a 105 lbs, 15 year old school girl with a job selling Tofu. There is hardly any case to be said that a woman might need a gun to protect herself against biologically stronger opponents. Since gun control frequently targets low-caliber, low-recoil, easily-concealed handguns that women favor, it is doing a great job of protecting those otherwise at-risk rapists. What kind of politician would want to have his state’s rapists at risk of armed female reprisals? If shrink rays weren't the most impossible thing ever, they would presumably be banned overnight by a coalition of men's right advocates citing cruel and unusual punishment. It is considerably easier to have someone's children taken away by CPS for looking at the wrong picture on the internet, or for being a single mom confined to a hospital bed than it is to take away their guns, there's nothing in the constitution about having a right to your kids. The right to bear horses is noticeably absent from the Constitution as the Founding Fathers had seen what can result when a horse or it's driver had been drinking, but mass shooting scenarios were uncommon due to the long time it took reloading muskets and positioning canons.

Constitutional Right[edit]

The gun nuts who so foolishly cling to their cause of “self-defense” cite the Constitution as an excuse to remain dangerously armed. So what if the 2nd amendment says that Americans have the right to be armed? So what if the Supreme Court ruled that the right applies to individuals and not the state militias? Since when does the Supreme Court interpret the law? The Constitution says that it is their job, but no one cares. Everyone knows that old parchment is worthless. America now exists to be regulated by liberals who have your best interests at heart, just like Dr. Kevorkian and pharmaceutical companies that bravely support the rights of transgender fish. But since the liberals don't really go by the Constitution anyway, why should they start with this part? Americans have every right to shoot surgical robot drills into the brains of suspicious looking unarmed non white people to defend themselves. Japanese people are far more interested in debating the right to become super powered sex robots than own guns.

Assault Weapons[edit]

Hands off my pension!

Gun control supporters target a group of guns that they call assault weapons, which are rarely used in crime. The fact that they are rarely used is proof that gun control works! The term assault weapon was created by the liberal media to describe a group of scary guns that have military-like features. None of them have automatic fire, but since they look like they do, it is easy to say that someone will modify them to shoot that way. The Federal Assault Weapon Ban (expired 2004) was so successful at stopping crimes committed with assault weapons that the government did not have to renew it! The mechanics of assault weapons make them safer to use. Things like standard capacity magazines, pistol grips, barrel shrouds (the shoulder things that go up), flash suppressors, muzzle compensators, and telescoping stocks allow a homeowner to more readily defend their homes. Otherwise, criminals will not have a fair access to your possessions, wife, children, car, house, or a fair chance to kill you before the police arrive.

Conclusion[edit]

In closing, gun control denies women, gays, racial minorities, and the elderly the ability to fight back against attackers. It creates a group of easy prey for criminals. It bans guns with features that make them safer. It tears a Right from our infallible constitution straight out of the cold dead hands of citizens. It prevents people from making their own gun-like weapons, especially if they have a 3D printer. It is also a fashionable cause that celebrities and Scientologists love. In short, Gun Control makes perfect sense.

Gun control

Contents