April

April is the cruelest month of the modern calendar year. It double-dips chips, talks on its cell phone in movie theaters and was one of nine responsible for the death of Nancy Grace in March 2010. North of the equator, April is a spring month, while south of the equator, the month occurs during the autumn. East of the equator, the month doesn't occur at all, because you can't fucking go east of the equator, you moron. Those born during the first three weeks of the month are said to be born under the sun sign of Aries. Those born after about the 21st are born under sun sign Taurus. Those born on the 22nd are born under sun sign Captain Picard. While this information is not particularly useful in determining personality traits, it can help in gift buying, criminal profiling and sleepover hijinx. April is very often used as a girl's name, such as April Jowalygbviasadfliwasfdkowski of Poland. In some cases girls with this name are addicted to grafitti especially in bar bathrooms and spell their name backwords (LIRPA) thinking no one will figure it out. they are usaully highly inebrated when the act occurs. There is a particularly good indie movie, ironically about Thanksgiving, which occurs during a completely different month, called Pieces of April. There is a particularly bad indie movie, ironically about Tyra Banks, called The Blair Witch Project.

Origins

April was named after April Hunter, the Roman goddess of camel toe.

It originally contained 69 days, but due to jealousy from the other months (especially July and August), it was shortened to just 30 days by the Emperor Darth Hadrian. April continues to have 30 days now. However, there is a group in the USA who wishes to shorten the month to just 14 days. This group, the AATOA, is entitled Americans Against Taxation and Other Annoyances. A sister group in Canada (CATOA) wants to get rid of April entirely. Another month both groups would like to shorten is August. This would have to go to considerably less than 15 days, knocking out the IRS extension tax return deadline, but also removing some of the hottest days of the year.

Trivia

• April is traditionally associated with rain showers and wet t-shirt contests.
• The ancient Romans celebrated the Bacchanalia during this month.
• Larry King is rumored to have lost his virginity in April 1501.
• April is the cruelest month, followed closely by January and June.
• The first day of the month is the traditional day for filling pools for those who live in South Carolina, which is why the first was once called April Pools Day. Through some kind of inexplicable machinations of linguistics, the term was misunderstood and is now called April Fool's Day. Some people, continuing to be deluded by the typographical error-type origins of this name, will play elaborate jokes on each other during this day. This is inappropriate.
• Darth Vader is the only person born in the extra days of April.

See Also

• List of April Anniversaries
• White History Month