Funky Town
“We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender to Funk”
“I'm Rick James, bitch!”
“Dang, man”
Funky Town is rather self-explanatory. It is also known as “That one place with all that funk in that one town.”
History[edit]
The w-PANG was founded by Yeagle Barnes Akyurit, who discovered a new type of metal that closely resembled an aquamarine stone. Y. B. Akyurit claimed he had found massive deposits of the valuable stone, but a closer scientific look showed the mystery substance to be a combination of plastic, very small rodents, and paper from ancient tabloid magazines. When Mr. Akyurit found this out, he decided to forget it and tell everybody that it was valuable. By the time the public got wind of the truth, it was too late and the stuff had become the national currency. Mr. Akyurit was later quoted as saying, "Why be Precise?"
Behind the Name[edit]
A better name than "that stuff that's made of plastic, very small rodents, and paper from ancient tabloid magazines" was proposed by a group called All Hail Our Young Mother Earth (or AHOY, ME). The activist group wanted to use the word w-pang-b'dongua-chizzoquo, the word for "pinky toe" in ancient Jizzokian, from the Jizzoke people that once lived in the area centuries ago. These people were known for their humorous oracles, from whose descendents became known as comedians. AHOY, ME stated that calling the money the same name as the word for "pinky toe" was funny. Experts say that it would have been funny in the time of the ancients. Maybe.
The PANG that puts the PANG in w-PANG is capitalized by some people in an attempt to make profit. However, some people just capitalize the letters. The reason is to stress the second syllable in an exaggerated way. This happens frequently in the Funkish dialect for the sole purpose of making silly noises in one's mouth.
Alternate spelings are:
- wh-pang
- wimpong
- whoppang
- whpnag
- dag
- w-pang d'dang diggy-diggy
- apple
Alternate spelings of the word "speling" include:
- Spelling
Although why anyone would want it to be this way is beyond me.
Colonies[edit]
Propositions to move the groovy city to several orbiting masses of complete and utter funkiness that was discovered by the Funky Town space program hav arisen over the last few years, apparently due to their high concentrations of grooviness and slap/poppin’ grooves bein’ laid down by it. A series of floating islands orbiting the earth became the new home to many Funky Town explorers. Several years later, there was an evacuation decreed by the nation's most renowned scientist, Michael B. Donk. Not taking any chances, the colonists evacuated. The next week the air islands were gone. Nobody knows just how they disappeared, but many theories have been made. The leading theory suggests that a highly evolved cockroach with heavy artillery hijacked an interstellar cruiser and crawled into the ship's computer, merging itself with the brain of the machine. The bug/ship flew to the planet Xarqua and detonated several nuclear devices on the planet, killing all forms of life on the planet except for its cockroaches. Then the bug/ship (we'll say Bip) absorbed all the energy from the bugs and became a super-intelligent entity. He grew so large that he became the size of a small planet with its own eco-system. The local wildlife (roaches) scurried about in their happy lives. Then one day, Bip moved too close to a black hole and was sucked in. At the other end, he came out 3,000,000 years and many light-years away in the shape of a glass of milk. Then a vicious creature made of malice, evil and tungsten came up and drank it. For some reason, nobody could figure out what happened to the glass.
Donk claims he saw a cockroach acting out of the ordinary. Coincidence? I think not. Everyone believes him.
There is another theory that states that Donk is the b'donk da'crazy parawhackasmack'da-gon wizz-onk to-the chizzi'dag whackjob (in Funkish: slightly mentally challenged). In fact, the abbreviation for b'd/d'c/p'ws'd-g/w-o/t-t/c'd/wj is the word "Donk."
For some reason this theory is not widely accepted.
Currency[edit]
The Funkish currency is the w-PANG, a small, sentient piece of unidentified metal.
Value[edit]
1 w-PANG is approximately equal to the value of a BIGGIE size Wendy's combo meal. But not one of those GREAT BIGGIE things. No way. That would be, like, 1.4 w-PANGs. And nobody can handle that chizzong-b'dong (Funkish for "large quantity"). That's way hardcore.
There are no other Funkish units of currency. w-PANG is about it, so there really is nothing else to compare to. However, a [radical] group has declared that
Clearly, this theory is not widely accepted. But, due to constant pressure from said radical group, a compromise was made.
Everyone seems to be okay with this, except for Ferd. Ferd is a man who had a mistake on his birth certificate.
Currency Rates in Comparison to Other Societies of Veritable Jammin' Beats[edit]
1 w-PANG is equal to... *
1.75 dollar
57.5 hair
4 Republican Credit
0.40 flips the bird
0.01 blood note
5 svuck
1 AOL promotion CD-ROM
0.714285 GREAT BIGGIE value meal
-1 human soul
3.14 milkshake man
3a(5+8) whiplash
4i water balloon
24 Kofords
≈2 w-PANG
*Disclaimer: these currency rates factoids may or may not invariably be either true or false.
Conspiracy theories concerning w-PANGs[edit]
It has been rumored that the small smelly metal pieces of currency are in fact alive and plotting the demise of all Funky Town natives humans. This has not been proven, but there was an incident involving a w-PANG and a battle-axe. Nobody was hurt, but a squirrel sustained critical injuries. Hang on, little buddy. You're gonna make it.
Language[edit]
Modern Funkish is an unusual dialect of English, with many embedded apostrophes, dashes, and surprise birthday parties. This elaborate palette of lingual paints was put together when English was merged with really fast guitar riffs and then jumbled together with ancient Jizzokian, which was a move pushed by the environmentalist group AHOY, ME.
Jizzokian[edit]
The ancient peoples of Jizzoke lived in the area where modern-day Funky Town is now. Before then, they lived in what is modern-day Luxembourg They moved, however, due to the dragons, which nobody likes, which happens to be due to the fact that they eat people, which is due to their immense hunger, anger, and general scorn for all civilized life. The ancient peoples were known for their comedy, which is said to be far different from ours, and for their invention of skittles. They left the land when thaxoglyceropropolic acid, the chemical which gives the fruity snack its taste, became a rarity. Their language no longer survives, but much of it got into Modern Funkish.
Phrases[edit]
A-wong g'down bout Quabang, wiggi-diggi-dong qua-pang Funk-a-tang.
"All hail Quabang, omnipotent leader of Funky Town."
B'donk da-donk da-donk ish.
"You're full of it."
Zapadong pong d'op-ogon chess b'gon lod...
"A computer once beat me at chess..."
...ra'a'pang w-TANG d'kick wh-pick blod.
"...but it was no match for me at kick-boxing.
Politics[edit]
- The organization responsible for all Funky Politics is called S.A.N.T.A. (Solutions Are Not The Answer).
- The founder of Funky Town was "Darth" Aider Mørk
National Motto[edit]
There is great dispute about which absurd statement will become the national motto, so Funky Town tends to switch to new ones every once in a blue moon. Such absurdly ridiculous proposals for the motto include:
- "For Freedom, Liberty and the Funk!"
- "Fly the Flag High!"
- "Funky Town: Land of Opportunity"
- A Place for Great Music"
Fortunately, only sensible comments ever see the light of day.
- "Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = CRAZY DELICIOUS!"
- "I'll kill you until you die!!"
- "The world is more like it is now then it ever has before"
- ”Funky Town is Gonna Do-Sum-Bou-Dis!"
Rarest Animal[edit]
The Rarest Animal in the Town of Funk is the Lod. The Lod is found in the deep forests of Adman Islands off the west coast of Funky Town and can only be seen when all of the citizens in the region turn and face east.