Fjortis
The fabled Fjortis (Homo sapiens quattuordecim ) is a close relative to the British Chav and American Wigger, both well-known as symbols of the western society’s degeneration and subsequent ruin. Recent studies conducted by world-renowned scientists have suggested that fjortisar are not humans at all (Schultz et al, 1997; Johansson & Fälldin, 2003; Wirdem 2007, Genesis 2:12), but a species of hitherto undiscovered alien beasts, frolicking in the human society by mimicking the ordinary Human (Homo sapiens sapiens).
Appearance[edit]
There are few if any striking physical differences between humans and fjortisar. In order to discover the differences that do exist, autopsy and blood-samples have to be taken and studied under amicroscope. While there is not much we can say with certainty about the biological structure of those creatures - as sadly governments continue to put up roadblocks in the path of curious scientists looking to conduct various experiments – there are some things we can tell with significant certainty.
To determine whether or not a “person” of choice is a Fjortis or not, there are several measures you can take. The most striking and easy-to-spot deviances from the norm of ordinary humans are the clothing style, often little thought-out and with poor fashion-sense; wearing dark vestments cluttered with commercial advertisement. A baseball cap is often present in male specimens, often with some captions supporting a local sports team of some kind. Female specimens often wear minimal, tight and revealing clothing of the latest cheap but expensive-looking brand, which seems to play a crucial role in their mating rituals (Austen, 2002). Horny males can sometimes be observed clutching with their large and dirty hands at the females round bottoms – this is believed to be a way for the males to show that they are set on mating with this particular specimen within 72 hours. If the female finds the male to be of poor health or not rich enough, she will reject him with a slap in the face (Pabodie, 2000).
Fjortisar are often about the size of normal humans, varying from small specimens about 155 cm height to over 190 cm. Weight can be anything from a mere 35-45 kg amongst the frail female specimens to 80-115 kg among the large and loud-mouthed dominant males (Nudger, 1991). Males (also known as "brats" or "stekare") often keep their hair rather short, their eyes are usually devoid of emotion and whoever meets their glance will catch a glimpse of a cold accusing stare.
Behaviour[edit]
The Fjortis often moves in herds. It is rarely seen in groups of less than four, and whenever it is, it’s safe to assume they won’t make much of fuzz. In larger groups, encompassing eight, sometimes sixteen or more specimen, they are loud-mouthed and hideous abnormal beasts. They will shout out half-unrecognisable obscenities at random citizens passing, and attack people of whom they do not approve, in particular the dreaded “Goths” and “emo’s”, as well as rarer “grunge”-kids (Freeman & Allison, 2004).
The Fjortis is a creature you should avoid at all costs. They are unable to hold even quasi-intelligent discussions, and any attempts to communicate will be greeted with a perplexed “What?” More often than not they will proceed to name call the victim of their attacks recently deceased mother whose body those vermin still maintain they hump. (Necroman, 2002)
Important to note for the select few misguided individuals who might have a desire to seek communication with those abhorred abnormalities is their inability to comprehend the tongue of ordinary humans. Neither is deciphering the seemingly random words sprouted by the Fjortis an easy task you can expect to complete in less than a week. It should also worthy of mention that those extraterrestrial failures absolutely detest legible writing. This is a trait the Fjortis has in common with its close relatives the Chav and Wigger. They will write with as few letters as possible, often leaving the reader to single-handedly figure out what they are trying to communicate, which often leads to dramatic misunderstandings. It’s all apart of their plan to mock and ridicule the humans who are actually capable of intelligent communication. Interspecies relations are at the time of writing tense and the United Kingdom is on the brink of civil war. (Phillips et all, 2001; Blair, 2007).
The Fjortis, like the Chav, is an avid consumer of alcoholic beverages. They often get drunk for the first time at early age, approximately 10-12 years. This period often features their sexual debut as well, and more often than not their first batch of useless cretin offspring. Fjortisar are famous for their pathetic parenting, leaving their children in the gutter to be picked up by social services. A healthy Fjortis normally lives to the ripe old age of 24 years. They often proudly run around sporting the latest cell phone, which they most likely stole from someone else.
The Fjortis favourite time kill is watching documentary soap-operas (reality television)such as Jersey Shore and Big Brother and shows featuring expensive cars (male specimens) or deity-status idols with little or no talent (mostly females, occasional occurring in males as well). They speak endlessly of attending “parties”, often just the home of a Fjortis whose parents are out of town for a short period of time, allowing the Fjortis in question to serve alcohol to its “friends" and engage in sexual activities.
Habitat[edit]
Unlike the Chav, the Fjortis does rarely come from the lowest and poorest segments of society. Sometimes they have hardworking but emotionally absent parents that never cared much about them, but generally their childhood has been free from calamities, hatred or violence. This is the reason that many scientists suggests that interspecies sex is much more common in Scandinavia, something which has disturbed some government officials in particularly Sweden and Norway. In 2002 a vast scientific study was conducted which concluded that the Fjortis was indeed a very real threat to the further civilisation in northern Europe.
The Chav is known for being commonplace in the vast housing estates of the British Isles, however the Swedish housing estates are generally free of the dreaded Fjortisar, and instead populated by immigrant youth gang who run around fighting “turf” wars with baseball bats and golf clubs. The disobedient immigrant youth is believed to be a so far unclassified subspecies of the Fjortis (Al Najjizar, 2005). Some people suggest that this form of fjortis ought to be classified as a clown; though this remains a controversial subject which has been the source of much debate as of late.
The Fjortis often roams the streets of city centres in Scandinavia in huge crowds, often utilising public transport, forcing more people to seek refuge from their dreaded mischievous ways via private auto ownership. Money is often not an issue, as they parasite upon their parents and welfare services, allowing them to buy more expensive clothing than their British counterpart. They often take up residence in middle-class single-family housing estates, often living in detached houses. The neighbourhood is often disturbed by nocturnal moped races on local thoroughfares (Sjögren, 2006.)
Reproduction[edit]
The Fjortis reproduction is fast and vastly more developed when compared to humans. When it comes to reproduction, the Fjortis mostly resembles rats and other vermin. The female is pregnant for only four weeks before giving birth to at least one, often more than five, fresh new specimens. The delinquent offspring develops slower mentally when compared to Homo sapiens, but shows extra strength when it comes to coping with alcohol and toxic substances consumed as substitute for real drugs, which the Fjortis seldom afford (Farrow, 1997).
The Fjortis has a special seed that is different from the human sperm. It will survive for much longer periods of time outside of the female’s warm comforting womb. Consequently, there have been reports of human females becoming pregnant after being exposed to sperms stained on a public park bench (Farnsworth, 2005). The dangers of interspecies relationships should be pointed out, as crossbreeding could have potentially disastrous results for the human genome. Total corruption could occur as the Fjortis traits have been discovered to be much stronger. If crossbreeding were to occur on a wide scale, the human population would be totally wiped out in less than seven generations (Goranhammer et all, 2003).
Entertainment & Politics[edit]
Like chavs, the fjortis avoid any contact with books and generally shun all forms of intellectual stimulation. If a fjortis watches a movie that requires any kind of independent thought more than recognition of character names, the fjortis will immediately get very bored and press the fast forward button, fall asleep, puke of boredom, or start complaing of how bored it is.
Only the hippie-esque fjortis, which is a transitional form between a hippie and a fjortis, will even try to understand anything. The hippie-esque fjortis though will not understand a single thing unless high on some cheap mexican weed (in which case it will be convinced of understanding but won't really comprehend a single thing), and will resent to being a total ignorant asshole . In most of these cases, the hippie-esque kind, when confronted with intellectualism will start raving about supporting extreme political views which it doesn't even understand, for example communism or anarchism, which it will manifest this by wearing a Che Guevara t-shirt, for example, without even having a clue as to who this guy on the T-shirt is. If any fjortis would chose to read a book, it is likely to be the horrendous Da Vinci Code or a work by J.K.Rowling, a book that to this date no fjortis has ever managed to finish because of their inability to use their brain.
List of Fjortis Movies:
- 2 Fast 2 Furious
- Coyote Ugly
- xXx
- 8th Mile
- Fucking Åmål (role model film for fjortis everywhere)
- Thirteen
- Showgirls
The most intellectual stimulation a fjortis will get is by their frequent visits to the home page Lunarstorm( also http://www.Bilddagboken.se) which is in turn, dangerous because the page is run by 50 year old men that is usually looking for young pre-teen fjortis with which to fornicate. But the fjortis inferior intellect will never manage to comprehend this.
Fjortis Music[edit]
The fjortis rejoices Hard trance and cheesy europop that never stops playing. When starting to play loud eurotrance the fjortis will never be able to stop playing the music, even if this is contradicting it's own will. This is because of a psychological disturbance in their brain. The fjortis is required to have eurotrance playing in the background while drinking alcohol. Other fjortis music includes: Basshunter and mainstream R&B. Anyone from the tv-program Idol.
The hippie-like fjortis distinguishes him/herself by listening to horrible EMO "music". In Sweden there is anthoter music group thar they go wild about, The trio E.M.D wich stands for the group members first names: Erik, Mattias, Danny. An exmaple of this was when they sang at the popular swedish "sing a long" show "Allsång På Skansen" where all the fjortisar gather by the front of the stage. When the programleader announced them, he almost went deaf by the squilling of them.
Fjortis Cuisine and cooking[edit]
The fjortis palate is extremely critical of to it foreign kinds of food, ussually the fjortis will only eat what it has adjusted to. The fjortis generally prefers sweetness before any other taste, and neutrality to taste. Because of the fjortis spectacular palate, the non-fjortis community frowns upon it's cooking. The cooking of the fjortis is the product of one paradox, the fjortis is by it's nature almost extremely reluctant to cook, but because the fjortis doesn't like taste of alcohol, but still requires vast amounts every weekend, fjortis cooking has been evolved to avoid the taste of alcohol in alcoholic beverages. Other ways to avoid alcohol is to drink one beer and then pretend you´re completely wasted and yell really loud: "I'm soo drunk right now!" Rich guys can, as to prove that they have money, "vaska champagne", which means to buy lots of expensive bottles of champagne and then simply pour it down the drain without even tasting. For poor Fjortis people it will work just as fine with hamburgers from McDonald's, see below.
- Rosé wine, sometimes along with orange soda.
- Bag-in-box wine
- Rebenschoppen, The Fjortis choice of white wine. Usually bought from German smugglers.
- Castillo De Gredos, The Fjortis choice of red wine.
- Champagne, not for drinking, it's supposed to be "sinked".
- Generally wine of any kind.
- Ben & Jerry's, Dump of bad products mixed with frozen milk.
- Mc Donald's (aka Donken, McD and Big Mac in fjortish): The restaurant of choice of the fjortis when going abroad, because
the fjortis will otherwise reject any foreign food item that he/she isn't adjusted to. Even though this, the fjortis will still not find the food at Mc Donald's abroad as satisfying as the one that is served in it's own habitat. This is because "whining" The fjortis will even sometimes reject items of the ones that are served at Mc Donald's for example; salad, tomatoes and cucumbers are especially frowned upon. Any vegetable, based on studies of the fjortis behavior, may be deadly for the fjortis.
Causes[edit]
While some have suggested that Fjortisar and their related plagues are harmless, this has proven to be false in several large scientific studies. Sane scientists argue that the genetic corruptions the Fjortisar spreads might have terrible results in the long run. Some consider it a “slow invasion and the downfall of sane government” (Farrow; 1997), while others claim it is a recurring pattern from past civilisations, similar to what led to the destruction of the Mayans, the Greeks and the Romans. The critics continue and claim that Homo Fjortensis is not a subspecies of the human race, but in fact the very same one. This is, according to Reuter (2000), and Nixon (1986), a preposterous idea at best. Famous Danish genealogist Victor Jörgensen (2004, 2005) studied the Fjortis DNA in detail, and found many deviances from that of ordinary Homo sapiens.
What causes chavism, then? Many scientists have tried to unveil the sources of this perplexing paradox, but yet today the mystery remains. The most generally accepted theory is that a virus, referred to as the “C-virus” (Sollenhall, 2003), and became what we today know as the chav/Fjortis/wigger. How it came to be is still a mystery, but somehow the virus changes the hosts DNA in such ways that a chav is born. The virus is transmittable through sexual relations, bodily secretions and directly occurring in the children of infected individuals. The virus often has a difficult time infecting full grown specimens, but once infection has won ground the treatment is long and painful (Vergans, 2005).
Regional Deviations[edit]
The Fjortis emigrated east to Finland with Swedish settlers and it was in Finland were the "Homo fjortensis" evolved in to Homo pissisus, the "Pissis” is larger and more aggressive than its western cousin and therefore is wiping out the Finnish Fjortis population (WWF is doing nothing about this claming it to be natural selection). The Pissis can be found in large parts of Finland and has spread to Estonia. The Pissis is more durable and consumes 60 to 75% more alcohol than a Fjortis, can survive sub-zero weather for several hours and lives to the impressive age of 57 years. The Pissis has been known to kill hunters who have attempted launching a private crusade against their dreadfulness. The Finnish government hands out refunds up to 5000 euros per specimen wiped off the map.
Future[edit]
Most sane governments call for the immediate termination of those abhorred vermin. However, several roadblocks remain in place that severely hampers the rate at which they can be disposed of. Those include, but are not limited to, the radical and hatred Save The Chav organisation, the Swedish pro-chav government, the list goes on for ages, but we have to see the danger for what it is here. We cannot go on without a fight! The human race is at stake, if we do not take action now, we will be overrun by those abhorred freaks of nature, and that would surely not be very enjoyable.