Essex girl

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An Essex Girl. With optional Air Bags.

“She was a tasty bit of crumpet”

~ Oscar Wilde on Last night

The Essex "girl" (see also.. Essex boy), or as Collins dictionary puts it; 'Commonly referred to by the more esteemed portion of our society as 'shhhhlaaaaaags'are the finest example of ‘booty’, or ‘tang’, and can be puréed for many household recipes, where surplus tang is needed.' Essex Girls are often regarded as 'misguided', or 'misinformed', and due to their dramatically low income, often limited to their pay for walking the streets --- as police officers, who are poorly paid. Here, we chronicle the essence of this marvellous and diverse creature, whose various traits define them as one of the Earth's great wonders. As well as saviour to the waning libido of OAPS.

Early History[edit]

The declaration of independence (of Essex) saw the creation of the Essex girl. Due to the excess snobbiness of London Women, breeding became a problem that threatened to see the essex boy die out, and in 1960 they were added to the 'endangered species' list by Sir David Attenborough.

However, genetic engineers with little else to do at the time (because genetic engineering did not yet exist)set about resolving the matter, and by 1968 had created the Essex Girl through a process of gene splicing and narcotic experimentation. The first Essex Girl to be born was delivered in the back of a Ford Capris by Midwife Henrietta Jones. The child was promptly named Sharon Henrietta Smith and was the saviour of the species.

Current coat of Arms for Essex. Depecting Essex Girls wepon of choice

The first ever council house was built to house Sharon, her mother and the small testube that was her father, and from that point on she was used for breeding purposes to secure future generations of Essex Boys and girls. Sharon went on to invent the Names CLIVE, DAVE and TRACEY and the first flag of Essex (the white handbag crossed with matching stilletoes).

It was only in the late 70's/early 80's that the side effects of creating the Essex Girl were noticed. Excess testosterone in both men and women, a desire to commit armed robbery and petty theft and the ability to drive far faster than the manufacturer stated possible top speed in any Ford motor vehicle. Today the same genetic engineers responsible for the creation of the Essex girl, now work to try and reverse these side effects. There is no government funding, and instead they rely on donations from the public and royalties from movies about Essex criminals.

Mating Rituals[edit]

The mating ritual of this species is very peculiar indeed. It will often meet up with the alpha males in the group, wearing the traditional courting dress. A denim mini skirt/belt will be worn, with a skimpy top (Bra optional) is worn to show the male how well she can survive the blistering weather of England. After the male has chosen the mate, they will impart a hearty feast, consisting of a donor kebab, purchased at 2 in the morning, washed down with a horn of whitelightning cider. After this, they retire to Rollerworld for a mating ritual known as “Spawning an unwanted pregnancy”. The Essex Girl usually falls for the mating call; "Hey babe, i wanna give u 12 inches". Essex Girls were hypothesised by Prof. Reginald Grah, as being descended from a Pneumatic Drill, this was dismissed by Nikki(From Big Brother) as, 'I dunno, whass a numaric pill? Will it kill my inside bay-bies?

Essex girls tend to breed at a very young age (although not as young as girls from Liverpool or Newcastle), as they have a shorter than average life span due to being hunted to near extinction by Essex Rude Boys. It is not uncommon for an Essex girl to experience her first fingering at around 9. They then tend to be having sex by 9.02, as Essex boys don't like their fingers to stink of chips and gravy.

See also[edit]