Fecal System
A fecal system is a modern type of judicial branch that is considered a viable and in fact superlative alternative to a traditional legal system. A number of third-world and developing nations already have one in place, with the goal of packing five times the judiciary into a fraction of the cost. In fact, the only two necessary elements to keep a fecal system running are healthy monkeys and a fresh supply of poop.
Process[edit]
Although the exact process of each fecal system varies from nation to nation based on a given nation's history of the practice of the fecal system, the basic idea remains essentially the same, and most fecal systems continue to follow the same structure.
Indictment[edit]
After a suspected criminal is arrested, they are incarcerated inside a thatched hut while they await an arraignment hearing. At the hearing, they are informed of the charges against them and allowed to enter a plea of Guilty, Not Guilty, or Not Guilty, But Can You Please Throw Poop at Me Anyway? to the primate who presides as judge.
Guilty Plea[edit]
Upon admission of guilt, the simian judge presiding will usually become frustrated, having been excited at the prospect of a drawn-out trial in which he would get to throw large amounts of feces, and then in his rage fling a large turd right in the defendant's kisser. The defendant, his face now bruised and covered in swarms of virulent E. Coli, is dragged to another chamber where he is to undergo sentencing.
Not Guilty Plea[edit]
Upon entering a plea of Not Guilty, the judge, delighted at the beginning of a new trial, begins to fling poop wildly at everyone around him in a state of fervorous ecstasy. Due to the predictability of this reaction, lawyers representing the defendants now perform what they call a Poop Evasion immediately upon the announcement of a Not Guilty plea. Failure to do so often results in an inadvertent clod of soggy poop to the face, as famously happened in the case Chuck Norris v. United States of America. During the case, the defendant, Chuck Norris, who was on accused of roundhouse-kicking 68% of the population of the United States of America into submission, failed to duck after announcing his verdict of Not Guilty by Reason of Being Chuck Norris. He immediately was the recipient of a splash of diarrhea right between the eyes. It is unknown what transpired after that, except that Chuck walked and everyone else inside the courthouse was later found dead of roundhouse-kick-to-the-face-related injuries.
Not Guilty, But Can You Please Throw Poop at Me Anyway? Plea[edit]
Occasionally a defendant does not wish to admit guilt, but still feels the trial should continue. In a legal system, this is known as Nolo Contendre, but in a fecal system it is referred to as Not Guilty, But Can You Please Throw Poop at Me Anyway?. There are numerous reasons a defendant might do this. It could be that they do not actually understand whether or not they committed a crime, and wish a judge and jury to decide. It is more likely, however, that they simply enjoy the taste of poop and desire to have copious amounts of shit flung into their faces. This was the case with Bill Clinton v. Oprah Winfrey, where the defendant Bill Clinton was so enamored of the taste of excrement that he used every means in his power to extend to trial to over forty-six years, during which he consumed an estimated ninety-three tons of poop. Ultimately, the case was decided when the prosecutor, Oprah Winfrey, became so exasperated that she gave an earsplitting scream and urinated the acidic blood of virgins at Clinton's neck at high velocity, cleanly decapitating him.
Trial[edit]
If a plea of Not Guilty or Not Guilty, But Can You Please Throw Poop at Me Anyway? is entered, then the case goes to trial.
The prosecution and defense begin by selecting a jury out of a pool of eligible primates. Usually, the prosecution favors chimpanzees, as they are loud, boisterous, and notorious for flinging poop indiscriminately, whereas the defense chooses orangutans more often for their uncaring demeanor.
Once the trial begins, it is up to the prosecution to prove that the defendant should have fecal matter flung at them. This is known as the Burden of Poop. To do so, they present a case in an attempt to prove the defendant's guilt. The lawyers for each side have a number of devices they can use during the course of the trial:
- Objection: An objection is the action a lawyer takes when he becomes hungry and wishes poop to be tossed at him.
- Cross-Examination: Sometimes, due to poor eating habits by members of the judge or jury, the quality of the feces being thrown diminishes. If this happens, the trial is immediately halted and the lawyers investigate the offending primate's rectal cavity in a process known as cross-examination. Should it be discovered that a monkey is indeed throwing buttcream of low quality, the primate is thrown out of the courtroom and made into soup, which is then eaten by the lawyers. A new primate with regular bowel functions then replaces the deceased one.
- Plea Bargain: If a defendant is quite obviously innocent and will undoubtably be aquitted, they will usually make a plea bargain. The prosecution agrees to let the defendant be found guilty and have delicious poop flung at them, but only if the prosecution has poop flung at them, as well. Therefore, everyone wins.
At the conclusion of a trial, the jury reaches a verdict of either Guilty or Not Guilty, indicated by profusely flinging poop at either the defendant or prosecutor. However, in all recorded cases, the juries have instead begun flinging feces randomly at everyone around. Therefore, a Guilty verdict is always assumed.
Sentencing[edit]
Upon a verdict of Guilty, the jury then convenes to sentence the convict. They are taken to a back room, where they are given typewriters. The first monkey to type out the complete works of Shakespeare gets to decide the sentence. The various sentences are as follows:
1st-Degree Poop Flinging[edit]
This is the most basic and least serious of all sentences. The convict is stood up in a public square and the judge and jury pelt him with poop until he is no longer hungry.
2nd-Degree Poop Flinging[edit]
A 2nd-Degree Poop Flinging proceeds much like with the 1st-Degree, except after the poop is consumed and pooped out once more, the convict is once more stood up in public and hit with a barrage of recycled feces a second time.
HIV-Infested Poop Flinging[edit]
Under this sentence, the convict is hit with poop from a monkey that is HIV-positive. Recently, the effectiveness of this method has been publicly brought into question, as it only affects convicts who are gay, since it is a well-known and documented fact that only gay people can contract AIDS.
Constipation Execution[edit]
If this sentence is given, a special team of monkeys who consume only Velveeta cheese, and are therefore constipated constantly, are procured and their poop is flung at the convict. Since their poop is extremely hard, this sentence functions as a stoning and the convict invariably dies. This form of capital punishment is also hotly contested in the political circles of nations that employ fecal systems. Because the convict is deprived of the taste of delicious poop, some consider it cruel and unusual punishment.
Impact[edit]
Critics of the fecal system contend that since the consumption of feces is quite enjoyable to most sane people, a fecal system does not function as an effective deterrent, but instead actually increases the crime rate by encouraging people to commit crimes in order to have poop flung at their faces. Such critics are often found unconscious with their faces covered in monkey poop, wherein they reverse their opinion.
Despite the controversy, a video game based on the proceedings of the fecal system called Super Monkey Poop Fight was recently made for the Pooper Nintendo.