Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/February 5

February 5: I Love American Football Until Baseball Starts Day

• 955 - Scribes create the first baseball cards. The also make the first error card describing St. Barnabas being a second baseman for the Pittsburgh Pirates.
• 1152 - Peyton Manning almost makes it to Super Bowl DCCCXV but he loses the AFC Championship after getting sacked five times by the Frankfurt Galaxy's linebacker Frederick Barbarossa.
• 1307 - An enraged King Philip IV of France attacks the Knights Templar after their Manchester United team beats the King's favorite Saint-Étienne 1-0 in overtime.
• 1788 - Peyton Manning secretly ghostwrites one of the Federalist Papers. Sadly, he forgets which one.
• 1839 - General Abner Doubleday pretends to invent baseball. The use of cannons and bayonet charges would be quickly eliminated from the rulebook, but would eagerly be adopted by the world of rugby.
• 1860 - Rugby rules are added to the American game but it is still called football for all the feet flying around, whether still attached to a leg or not.
• 1886 - English plumber Thomas Crapper invents the modern Super Bowl.
• 1898 - American colleges allow female students to attend if they agree to become cheerleaders. The words "bimbo" and "slag" are quickly invented.
• 1903 - Gay males are secretly allowed to attend college as male cheerleaders, since they are the only ones with dance moves that don't make them look like uncoordinated dickheads.
• 1912 - Colleges lower their academic requirements for football players, making any violent criminal not on death row eligible to play.
• 1913 - Colleges raise their academic standards for football players, requiring a minimum measurable amount of brain cells to be eligible.
• 1914 - World War I breaks out but Americans fail to notice as it begins in the middle of baseball season.
• 2002 - Footballs acquire sentience and start dating supermodels, get into fights in clubs and become beloved overpaid and arrogant prima donnas like the players themselves. They secretly take steroids which will not be noticed for years despite the balls growing to 3 ft (about 1 m) long.
• 2012 - Defense is not longer allowed to make for higher scores. With no defensive players, the salary cap becomes less of an issue.