Daylight Saving Time
The day-long adjustment[edit]
Due to the repeated accumulation of leap seconds over centuries, in 2010 the US Department of Energy decreed that the DST change that year happened on March 4th and was one day long. That is, 3 am, March 4, 2012, has been 3 am, March 3, 2012, for nearly over a decade.
The future is now (in an hour)[edit]
The Energy Policy Act of 2005 that modified Daylight Saving Time was implemented by George W. Bush in response to dwindling oil supplies. Realizing we needed alternative sources of energy and that the United States wastes an average of 1400 metric tonnes of unrefined daylight every year, he decided to head an initiative to "conserve daylight". Every American is required by law to turn their clocks back an hour to lure in said daylight and proceed to capture it and send it to the nearest power plant — proving yet again that there is no gift a loving God and Nature can bestow upon the Earth and its inhabitants, completely free and with the utmost of reliability and equanimity, that humans cannot manipulate for the sake of economics.
Recent legislation[edit]
On August 8, 2005, President George W. Bush signed the Energy Policy Act of 2005, which moved the time-change date for Daylight Saving Time to the second Sunday in March, ending the first Sunday in November which results in ridiculously late sunrise times near the start and end points. This replaces the clumsy old "Imperial Time" system of determining the date for the time change by reading the shadow of a stick upon a figure-eight drawn on the ground by the federally appointed Shaman General.
This year, the Department of Energy will collect its findings on the economic impact of this change over the past two years, then the Secretary of Energy will have to report yet another failure of Bush Administration policy to Congress and tender his resignation, at which time a new Secretary of Energy will be appointed from the ranks of former Anadarko Petroleum executives.
Practical use[edit]
The timeframe of the "spring forward" is often questioned. Why switch from 1:00 am to 2:00 am on a Saturday night, when any good party is just starting to swing? The answer is twofold: first because God rested on the seventh day and second because if you had the time change at, say, 11:00 pm and it suddenly became 12:00 am it'd be, you know, like all of a sudden like all too soon, man, today would become tomorrow and that'd like blow our freakin' minds.
In US states that require that alcohol not be served after 2:00 am, some restaurants and bars have been known to hold "Fat Chick Night" promotions, encouraging patrons to get their beergoggles on and find their last resort hookups for the night an hour early.
Many fire departments take it upon themselves to remind folks to change the 9-volt batteries in their smoke detectors on the time-change days, prompting criticism of the Energizer and Duracell companies for the crass commercialization of a sacred holiday.
Around the world[edit]
Daylight Saving Time is not observed in Hawaii, American Samoa, Guam, Puerto Rico, or the Virgin Islands. Instead, these US territories observe what anyone who's ever lived on an island knows is "Island Time", which means that things get done pretty much whenever they get done.
Arizona also does not observe DST, because of the desert, the hot sun of the desert, yes, in the desert, the sun, she takes a man's mind and makes him forget himself, forget his tortured past.
Within Arizona, the Navajo Nation observes DST, except it's known as Double Bubble Jackpot Time.
In the European Union, Daylight Saving Time is called "Summer Time". It begins and ends at 1:00 a.m. Universal Time (Greenwich Mean Time) the last Sunday in March and ends the last Sunday in October, though these dates do not correspond with our Gregorian calendar as time there is measured with the Metric System (each minute comprised of 100 seconds, each hour of 100 minutes, and each day of 100 hours).
Though most countries of the EU have abolished use of the old time units, the UK and the Netherlands still stick to 60/60/24 for both government and everyday household use. The official Metric Standard Second is kept in a jar in a vault in L'Académie française next to the official Metric Metre, which is a bar of platinum about three feet long, and the official Metric Gallon, which is a platinum gallon jug of 2% milk, and the official Metric Icecube, which serves as the standard for zero degrees Celsius and is made of frozen water.
Language[edit]
One confusing aspect of Daylight Saving Time is the name itself. The official spelling has "Saving" in the singular, not Daylight SavingS Time; those who are heard to use the superfluous s may be legally slapped in the face, once, by any conscientious citizen.
In this case, "saving" modifies "time". It is a participial phrase serving as an adjective. In modern usage this type of relationship ("daylight" to "saving") is usually denoted by use of a hyphen, though not in this case because of the hyphen shortage. Thus we all make sacrifices for our country and deal with awkward, unclear expressions that confuse children and grownups alike. (Similarly, "a man eating tiger" describes a meal ending well for the man but not the tiger.)
So then why do many people say "Daylight Savings"? Simply put, because they're intoxicated. If you see it in a dictionary spelled Daylight Savings Time, then the person who wrote the dictionary was intoxicated.
It is ironic that while grammarians argue about parts of speech whose very names even in correct form are inaccurate ... no daylight is being saved. Write a short essay discussing this contradiction, explaining your views and citing sources.
"Daylight Shifting Time" might be a more accurate term, but shifting time makes it sound like Dr. Who is somehow involved. A common-sense compromise which works for both dates might be "Everybody Be An Hour Late to Work with the Same Excuse Day".
History[edit]
Daylight Saving Time is the only true form of time and should be observed on all days of the year despite pressure to "fall back" an hour during the winter months. Indeed, falling back into standard time is a concept created by a subversive group of light haters known as "the Dawnlighters". The rival party to the Dawnlighters is known as "the Dusklighters" and was formed when Ben Franklin, creator of Daylight Saving Time, decided he wanted to take on the most important issue ever. Recently, under our glorious ruler George W. Bush, Daylight Saving Time has been lengthened by one more month leaving only four evil Standard Time months. However, Standard Time will be eliminated by the Jeb Bush presidency of 2032.
As all American students learn on their first day of school, Ben Franklin came up with the idea of Daylight Saving Time. Since he couldn't finish all his work in one lifetime, he had to comeback twice more. Here are his stories
Ben Franklin's first incarnation ... a real American[edit]
Until one glorious day in April of 1784, when Franklin published his pamphlet on the subject, a fascist regime known as the Dawnlighters controlled the nation's government and forced everyone to walk home in the dark, heads hung low, crying, for most of the year. After Franklin broke the evil Dawnlighter stranglehold on the minds of Americans, brave citizens throughout the land began slowly setting their clocks an hour forward and bathed in dusk time light. Soon, so many Americans were following Franklin's lead and setting their clocks forward an hour, that a rival party was formed. This party, known as the Dusklighters, began lobbying for change, and for an end to the demonic Dawnlighter policies that had scourged our nation for so long.
Ben Franklin's second incarnation ... disguised as an Englishman[edit]
In 1856, Ben Franklin returned to earth in the form of William Willett, a English builder who took lead of the Dusklighter party and championed the idea of Daylight Saving Time. Willet finally convinced the Congress of the United States to adopt Daylight Savings Time in 1918. For an entire glorious year, the United States of America was bathed in sunlight for an extra hour each evening. Unfortunately, in 1919 an enraged Dawnlighter party took hold of the U.S. Congress through threats, bribes, and wood boards with nails in them, and had the law repealed. In an attempt to never let evening sun shine again, the Dawnlighters attempted to set up a "league of nations", know coincidentally as the League of Nations, whose sole mission was to ensure that the entire world never ever let time move forward to its rightful place. Led by the most evil person in history, Woodrow Wilson, the League was hell bent on eliminating Daylight Saving Time and the Dusklighters once and for all. After gaining support of England, Japan, France, and Italy, the United States was set to join the League when a determined group of Dusklighters, known as the Republican Party of 1918, stormed Congress and voted against the treaty that would have bound the United States to the League.
Ben Franklin's third incarnation ... President?[edit]
In 2006 George W. Bush, fresh off beating John Kerry (darkness loving vampire) in 2004, reigned over the United States. During this time, Congress once again shortened standard time and delivered another blow to the now fledgling Dawnlighter party. With more than seventy percent of the nation now considering themselves Dusklighters, it is only a matter of time before President Jeb Bush eliminates Standard Time completely.
Bloody Indiana[edit]
In 1961, when the border between the Eastern and Central Time Zone was placed through the middle of Indiana, a war broke out over whether the State should continue to follow Daylight Saving Time or whether it should switch back to Standard Time. The natural inclination of all Indianans was to stick with Daylight Saving Time, which had been in existence in Indiana for many years. However, members of the Dawnlighter Party, seeing an opportunity, swarmed eastern Indiana and coerced most of the counties on the east side of the state to abandon Daylight Saving Time. Bloody battles soon followed, and the Indiana Wall was soon built. The state was divided, and most men, aged 18-26, were killed in the battles (unfortunately, these lives were true tragedies as this being Indiana, all the battles were really really boring). Dawnlighter control of the eastern half of Indiana was strong. However, two brave counties became underground safe havens for Dusklighters on the eastern side of the state. These counties secretly observed Daylight Saving Time in direct opposition to Dawnlighter Laws in the region. For 45 years, war in Indiana raged on, and few tourists visited the state without feeling scared and sad upon arrival. However, in April 2005 the Dusklighter party finally prevailed and made Indiana the 48th state to recognize Daylight Saving Time. (Tourists still avoid Indiana, but it has nothing to do with how light it is.) The final blow came when Dawnlighter Ron Artest was caught running into the stands at a Pacers vs. Pistons game in an attempt to assault a ranking member of the Dusklighter party. Indianans were so outraged with his conduct, that they abandoned the Dawnlighter cause and unified the state.
Political parties[edit]
Dawnlighters[edit]
As mentioned above, Dawnlighters are the evil underbelly of society who wish to have light only in the morning and thus insist that Daylight Saving Time be eliminated. The term "fall back" is a propagandist Dawnlighter term introduced in 1966 to keep Congress from expanding Daylight Saving Time to cover the entire year. Many congressmen found the term "fall back" so catchy they decided that Daylight Saving Time had to end sometime in the Fall. Thus, it does. While Dawnlighters are becoming a smaller part of the population every year, some notable Dawnlighters include:
- Woodrow Wilson, the most evil man in the history of civilization.
- Nevada Assemblyman Bob McCLeary, who tried to get Nevada off Daylight Saving Time in 2005.
- Residents of the State of Arizona who refuse to recognize Daylight Saving Time under the guise of energy conservation, and residents of Hawaii who refuse to recognize Daylight Saving Time under the guise of time-zone consistency. Arizona is currently the home of Dawnlighter National Party Headquarters and continues to be a dangerous place for all who love light and goodness. Hawaii is hot and expensive, and Volcanoes occasionally erupt there because of their hatred of light.
- Alaska's Lieutenant Governor Loren Leman, who has attempted to abolish Daylight Saving Time throughout one quarter of the country's land mass. (As any old person will tell you, Leman is related to Satan.)
Dusklighters[edit]
Dusklighters, also known as "protectors of the light", fight for the prevalence of Daylight Saving Time throughout the year so that all citizens can bask in warm, bathing sunlight, while they are awake. Dusklighters believe that 5:00 am is way to early to have to get out of bed to enjoy the healing goodness of natural daylight and are scared to walk home at 5:00 pm when they get off of work because it's dark out. The first Dusklighter was Ben Franklin, and because of his success ridding the world of darkness, his portrait is now on the $100 bill. Notable Dusklighters include:
- Ben Franklin
- William Willett
- Ronald Reagan
- George W. Bush
- Jeb Bush
- Ralph Routon suggested early in the 20th century that all clocks in Colorado be placed on Daylight Saving Time.
The Duskilighter party has no official home other than the hearts and minds of most Americans, and a group on Facebook.
