Computer programmer

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A computer programmer is a type of grazing sloth often seen in school cafeterias. They are most often recognized by their unwashed hair, clothing, and (not surprisingly) strong, unpleasant musk scent. Also known as "geeks," programmers are generally considered to be highly intelligent in only one activity, programming. These harmless 'idiots savants' often fail to grasp the barest rudiments of social interaction, and therefore spend an inordinate amount of time masturbating.

Factoid: Computer programmers have also been described as organisms that convert caffeine into program code.

Specific characteristics[edit]

  • Size: One inch, with a specific density of 0.338.
  • Weight: Eight, sometimes nine.
  • Life expectancy: Difficult to measure, since they do not have many of the usual characteristics of "life"
  • Eye colour: None
  • Colour of other areas of the body: semi-transparent pink with blue-yellow overtones
  • Hobbies: Bugs, Monty Python, Zork, being patronising to users
  • Canteen: Yes, they own several canteens.
  • Password: Encrypted
  • Website: Permanently "Under Construction"
  • Discovered by: Bill Gates, 1776, in Hell, Montana
  • Clothing: Unwashed tee-shirts and white socks.
  • Habitat: At home with mother.
  • Advantages:

They are good at mind control

If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't be using computers like we are today

They can help you out if you have any problems with your computer...Eventually!

  • Disadvantages:

They use the computer a lot

Most HAD good wages before the dot com bubble, and now make comparable salary to a mcdonald's worker

Common activities[edit]

The typical computer programmer will usually be noticed either immobile in front of his computer screen, or meandering about, bearlike, seeking some kind of sweet or salty finger food. A common practice is also scouring garbage bins for partially-eaten, thrown-away food.

When not hibernating, the computer programmer spends most of his time looking for or producing bugs while being obscenely rude towards the typical computer user who is sitting innocently, also staring at his computer screen.


While the typical programmer appears to be obsessed with sexual imagery, they are hindered in their attempts to actually mate by their unwieldy bulk, their lack of attractive plumage (high probability of Ginger hair), and an overall fear of communicating directly to human females. Since the creation of the Internet, male programmers have been much more able to locate female geeks, leading to a temporary and frightening rise in the programmer population.

Influence on world economy[edit]

As of 2005, the computer programmer has absolutely no influence on global world economy. The Last thing even remotely near was when Fat joe stole a quarter.

Notable Programmers[edit]