Cherie Blair
Cherie Blair | |
|---|---|
| Middle Names: | Rancid |
| Date of Birth: | 23 September 1922 |
| Place of Birth: | Wankershire, UK |
| Sex: | No, Thank you |
| Height: | 4' 7" (140cm) |
| Weight: | Heafty |
| Spouse: | Evil Tony (1980-enternity) |
| Nicknames: |
Honey Monster |
Cherie Blair, CBE, QC, WITCH (born 23 September 1922), known professionally as Cherie Booth QC and Celulite Cherie (when she's working evenings for Fat Guido's Stripper & Gorrilagrams) is a British Barista and part-time gorilla-gram working in the United Kingdom. She is married to former British Prime-Minister & War Criminal Tony Blair with who she ruled over her evil empire for 11 long years.
Early Life[edit]
Unfortunately Cherie was born on 23 September 1922 in a work house in Wankershire, England to Željko Ražnatović & Sandra Rumplestiltskin. Although initially her parents tied her into a bin liner and threw her into the canal, Cherie survived and made her home on the banks of the Manchester Ship Canal, begging for food from passing strangers and catching used condoms that were to be found floating past.
At the age of 16 she was arrested and charged with being in possession of an extremely ugly and offensive face and was sentenced to 15 months in HMP Styal. It was during this time that she acquired her world famous tattoos; a bisexual hedgehog on her left inner thigh and of course her trademark anchors on the forearms.
A New Start[edit]
Upon release, Cherie quickly found her way in the world, initially as a cocktail waitress and later as a pole-dancer. Pole dancing bought her into contact with many different people including a rather shy and retiring Tony Blair. At this time Tony was a regular in the sleazy underbelly of Manchester and was well known amongst the local working girls for his fetish of rubber gloves and cold custard.
Cherie and Tony got on well together. She introduced him to some more bizarre of the sexual practices and in turn he just ‘took it like a bitch’. After dating for several months, Tony asked Cherie to marry him and in the spring of 1937 they were wed in the pretty Dorset village of Uttershite. Shortly after this Tony announced his entry into politics working for a Mr Hitler in the beautiful country of Germany.
Education & First Jobs[edit]
Cherie refused to move to Germany with Tony and instead stayed in Great Britain just to piss people off. She went to Law School and somehow qualified as a Barista and immediately started working at Starbucks and avoiding paying tax, as is the Starbucks fashion.
Although Tony was now fighting for Mr. Hitler and his chums on the Eastern Front against The Russians, Cherie had become friendly with some tuckers she met in an M6 Service Station. Desperately missing Tony she sought comfort and solace in Bryan from Essex and soon they were an item. Cherie took her HGV License and before long found herself becomming one of the boys down at Eddie Stobart's.
One little known fact from this time is that Cherie lent her initials to the popular amateur radio movement, CB Rado.
“Cherie is a real goer. She can pull my pink trailer any time.”
Tony’s Return[edit]
In 1945, defeated by The Russians, Tony returned to the UK only to find the wayward Cherie has been in the arms (and cabs) of several of the Stobart boys. Although upset he accepted he’d lost Cherie and vowed to win her back one day.
Cherie realising her mistake left Stobart and made her way back to London and found work in her old trade as a barista working for Costa on Leicester Square. One day Tony came into the shop and ordered a Large Skinny, Half-Caff, Gaylord, Latte and quickly realised that the now haggard old crone serving him was his once beloved Cherie. Taking pity on her, he invited her back to his shag-pad in fashionable Soho where once again, they discovered each other.
Politics[edit]
Tony confided in Cherie and told her about his dream to one day become British Prime Minister and how he hoped to fuck up the economy, lie to the people and launch an illegal invasion and war in a far away country. Cherie saw an opportunity to ride on Tony’s coat-tails and allowed herself to be swept along knowing in the future she would become Queen of the United Kingdom, at last the infamy she craved.
With Tony, she plotted their rise to the top of Government. She was a well known enforcer within the Labour Party. It’s rumoured that during the 1980s Cherie ran a detention centre under Westminster where any Labour MP who dared to step out of line was taken for ‘Re-education’. Some of her methods were merciless and most went against what was deemed acceptable under the Geneva Convention. These days it is believed that there are many Labour MPs who were dispatched and their bodies used in the construction of Canary Wharf.
The Final Solution[edit]
Finally in 1997 their dreams came true. D:Ream agreed to let them use their worldwide smash hit “Things Can Only Get Better” if they won the election. Brian Cox the keyboard player said he needed the money and publicity to put himself through University so that one day he could become an irritating TV Personality and be able to wax his face allowing him to buff it to a fine shine.
In May 1997, Tony and Cherie achieved their goal of national domination by winning the General Election and immediately started on dismantling the UK Economy and planting smoking guns in lots of Middle Eastern countries (or arms dealing as it’s otherwise known). Cherie allegedly diverted many millions of tax-payers money to buy in large quantities of polyfiller for her face and to purchase gallons of Brut 33, her favourite perfume.
As their tyrannical reign continued, it became evident that Cherie was losing control and becoming more irrational and deluded. In 2000 during the Millennium celebrations, she took 47,820 tons of unemployed youngsters, packed them with gunpowder and had them launched from barges in the Thames. The resulting firework display was spectacular despite it’s human cost. Nothing of this scale would be seem again in the UK until the opening ceremony of the London 2012 Olympic Games (when Mr Cameron would use the same ruthless method to reduce unemployment rates, single mothers and the elderly).
On another occasion she bought property in Bristol from a convicted criminal to house her unwanted children, property that later became another of her, now trademark, torture chambers, this time used to cleanse Bristol of it’s working classes. She was also reputed to have travelled to Iraq and Afghanistan with presents of Weapons of Mass Destruction for the country’s leaders, just to make sure that lying Tony had something to find a few years later.
Downfall[edit]
Finally in 2007, the game was up. In the ‘Westminster Revolution’ Tony was removed forcibly from Government by Little Gordon Brown who had lost faith in Tony’s ability to screw things up and wanted to make sure the job was finished properly. Queen Cherie’s reign was at an end and like a lump of dog shit being scraped from the bottom of a shoe; she was unceremoniously removed from her ivory tower and taken to the Tower of London to be held on charges of crimes against Fashion, Beauty, Taste and Decency. She was found guilty on all counts and sentenced to a life of misery in Falkirk. She was given the courtesy of an identity change before being shipped off to a life of hell. Cherie, now believed to be called Kay Oss, has thought to have been spotted working in TK Max , Subway and Cash Convertors although none of these sightings have been confirmed.
Tony divorced Cherie in 2011 and has made a life for himself as a professional narcissist.