Charisma Carpenter
“To think I kissed her there--and there--and there!”
Charisma Carpenter (born July 23, 1970) is an American actress. She was named after (1) a perfume named "Charisma" and (2) the transvestite carpenter who used it.
Girlhood (such as it was)[edit]
Carpenter was born in Las Vegas, which explains her penchant for gambling, exotic dancing, and recreational drug use. As a Catholic, she attended Gomorrah High School in Sin City, where, as a cheerleader, she led cheers against her alma mater's rival and sometimes-arch nemesis, Sodom High, Home of the Sodomites.
Equipment[edit]
Her high school education, such as it was, equipped her (as did a rather generous Mother Nature, if you get our drift) to cheer for the San Diego Chargers, back in the day when they could actually kick, throw, and sometimes catch a football.
Shame and fame[edit]
She brought shame to her family but publicity to the team when a camera caught her doing somersaults and splits without panties. Some biographers contend that this incident (or incidents, since there were actually over 300 of them) "catapulted her to stardom."
Others suggest that her star has yet to rise, despite her appearances on Married With Children. She played the bisexual girlfriend of both Bud Bundy and his sister Kelly as well as their father's concubine. About the only character who wasn't "getting some" of Carpenter's dubious charms on Married was Al's wife, Peg, unless we also count the family dog.
She later played Cornhole Chaste on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Buffy[edit]
On Buffy, Carpenter displayed great skill in simulating fellatio as she gave hickeys to the undead in exchange for their vampire semen, earning the respect, admiration, and envy of the show's creator and producer, Joss Whedon, and a permanent spot on the show, alongside Sarah Michelle Gellar, Alyson Hannigan, and her other transsexual costars.
Personals[edit]
Carpenter appeared on many Internet porn and personals web sites after she let it all sag out in Playboy magazine in a desperate, but vain, attempt to reignite her faltering "acting" career after she broke ranks with Buffy to star on its spinoff, Fallen Angel, on which she played a comatose demon-bitch-mother-from-hell for a season before marrying some dude named Damian Hardy and giving birth to a baby boy named Rosemary. Before she was "dicovered," Carpenter was a waitress.
Recent work[edit]
Mostly, she plays human cadavers, zombies, and bunnies, because, she says, such parts "really stretch my talent as an actress."
Controversy[edit]
Noting that the other actresses who played key roles on Buffy (Gellar, Hannigan, and Michelle Trachtenberg) are Jewish and "continue to get offered parts," while she, who is a Gentile, doesn't get as many offers, Carpenter stirred controversy when she asked, "What does a girl have to do to land a plum role in Hollywood, be a victim of the Holocaust?" Later, she apologized, saying she was "quoted out of context." She also denied ever having said that Gellar, Hannigan, or Trachtenberg had been circumcised.
Upon hearing her allegedly anti-Semitic remarks, Gellar reportedly called her former co-star a putz.
"She's not a putz," Trachtenberg contended. "She's a schlong."
"She's neither," Hannigan said. "She's a schmuck."
Whedon, who is homosexual rather than Jewish, says he has Carpenter in mind for a part if she will "lock lips" with Eliza Dushku, who played the sexually promiscuous rogue slayer on Buffy and who is not, as far as anyone can prove, of Jewish descent.
Friends[edit]
She is friends with... ah... let's see... uh...well, she is the mother of Captain Charisma...
Bra Size[edit]
Carpenter has an impressive set of hooters. Each weighs in at approximately 23 pounds and is housed in an airplane hangar at Area 51 when she is not wearing them or Hugh Hefner has no need for them. Her bra size is Hangers 3 and 4.