Bobby Davro
“Bobby Davro is registered as a Twat at the Post Office”
“And I thought I was Britain's worst comedian”
“ I once starred with him in pantomime... his performance was so shit I projectile vomited over the orchestra then punched the horse..”
“One Bobby Davro...there's only one Bobby Davro ....thank fook”
“What fucking iceberg?”
Robert Christopher Nankeville, known professionally as Bobby Davro (born 13 September 1958 in Ashford, Middlesex) is an English actor, impressionist, talentless comedian, agent of evil and generally annoying nerk.
“"I do a better Frank Spencer than Frank Spencer”
“"The hit ITV Drama "Ultimate Farce" was based on me blowing the shite outta Bobby 'zero talent' Davro"”
Origin[edit]
Thought to have actually been born in the late 16th century to Edith Cobblers and Jethro Woodhouse, Davro was placed on Earth to combat Ross Kemp and restore the balance of good (Kemp) vs Evil (Davro) which had been missing for three centuries after Kemp defeated Genghis Khan at the battle of Walford.
Since then Davro has continued to use dastardly tactics to make the world evil and generally shit through outrageous stunts and experiments such as the invention of Jedward. Davro uses bad gags to kill unsuspecting viewers and audiences. It is estimated that as of 2019 his woeful jokes have killed 17,900 people in Wales alone. Often referred to as the Anti-Christ, "The Thief of Bad Gags",,"Bad Bobby" and "Britains most untalented Comedian" Davro has been dismaying audiences for over 40 years. His jokes are so bad he was banned from appearing on television in over 50 countries across the globe.
Davro: where the name came from[edit]
There are several theories why Davro chose his stage name. Some language experts maintain that 'Davro' in Swahili means "The most evil 12 inch penised one". However more credible sources states Davro watched an episode of Doctor Who and fell in love with the leader of the Darleks – the Evil Davros. For copyright reasons Davro had to lose the 's' from 'Davros'.
Bobby was chosen as he wanted to sound modern yet unapproachably sophisticated and more likely that his first choice 'Brian' had already been patented and granted on a 100 year lease to TV legend Brian Conley.
"Career"[edit]
Davro first appeared on television in 1890 before it was even invented but rose to the height of his fame during the 1980s on ITV. In 1987 he was paid a record breaking £3,000,000 by the BBC to never appear on their network again. He was however able to sneak onto BBC 2 disguised as Barry Norman.
Davro was initially recruited by Channel 5, the shittiest television network in Britain, but they deemed Davro to be so bad that they may risk losing their broadcasting license from OFCOM. Channel 5 subsequently appointed Rod Hull and Emu as their main on-screen talent.
These setbacks didn't stop Davro. In 1998 he released a folk album entitled I'm a Pro Just Like Your Mother. It reached Number 6 in Estonia's album chart.
“"I was the funniest comedian on TV. I pissed all over Roy Walker and Jimmy Cricket. Even that twat Henry Kelly from Game for a Laugh couldn't match me”
Court Order & ASBO[edit]
In 2003 Davro was served an order by the Crown Court which strictly forbids him telling bad gags or any jokes at anytime from midnight until 2359hrs Monday to Friday (except bank holidays or during leap years). Breaching the order risks life imprisonment.
This was followed by an ASBO issued by West Midlands Police stating that Davro could not appear in public except "to tend to his front garden and continue his wasp breeding business and to lawfully inspect badgers during the summer solstice for social and domestic purposes only".
Public subversion and anti-Kempism[edit]
Davro dissapeared from the public eye after receiving the multi-million pay off from the BBC and quietly set about building his secret underworld lair from which to devise and launch successive subversive attacks on Ross Kemp, and later, Esther Rantzen after she publicly derided him as being "the worst comedian, worst human being and worst arsehole on the planet except Jim Davidson". Rantzen also complained that Davro "had fixation about my saggy jugs." Davro responded by saying "I just felt Esther needed caster wheels fitted to her shoulder boulders for better mobility".
So far Kemp has successfully shielded himself from any effects resulting from Davro's attacks and has publically said on three separate occasions , most notably during the Brit Awards that "Davro is a slag. I could kill him with a stare." It is widely accepted by the British Government that Kemp's hit TV Show Ultimate Farce was actual footage of Kemp killing agents loyal to Davro.
In 2017 an outbreak of swineflu which killed over 700 pigs and hospitalised 80 residents in Royal Leamington Spa was blamed on Davro. 7 cats were diagnosed as bipolar due to the outbreak.
Chuck Norris suffered "snot blocks" during this period. Norris called Kemp and advised him "to finish Davro [sic] off as Norris "doesn't do colds" and was getting "grouchy" over Kemp's lack of action over the whole affair. In response Kemp had Lewis Collins resurrected from the dead using special pylons connected to the National Grid. Collins, who invented the SAS in 1970 hospitalised Davro for 10 months before being cryogenically frozen in readiness for what Kemp described would be "The second coming"
Davro uses his famous brands such as Cif and Stella Artois to fund his terror activities. Noel Edmonds was killed in 1993 by Davro and replaced by a lookalike who espoused and promoted pro-Davro propaganda. It is also generally thought that Davro was behind the disappearance of ITV's Dicky Davies although others point out that he may have joined the Taliban.
According to MI5 Davro was responsible for the 1986 Watford Photon Torpedo Disaster which killed 17 sheep and scared a horse. He is also said to have obstensibly created Eamon Holmes by accident during the "Nuremberg Experiments" which Davro's research firm funded.
Credible sources at GCHQ suspect that the 'Go Compare' adverts are produced and funded by Davro to "further the abundance of incredibly annoying and cataclysmically shat adverts that through sheer shiteness wear down public morale".
It was revealed in the Marie Claire magazine that Davro often disguises himself as Bryan Ferry to escape detection. He is often seen lobbing wet toilet rolls at Virgin Trains whilst disguised and will often squat to take a tricky shit over live electric rails shouting "I'm avant-garde. I am Bryan Ferry. My poo is nonconductive, mutha cuddlers".
Current activities[edit]
Davro currently uses his network of bad-karma transmitters to broadcast evil thoughts, awful comedy and shite television programmes to Ross Kemp supporters. These antennae masquerade as genuine radio masts and also supply Davro FM to over 3000 subscribers in Scotland. It plays a mix of the latest tunes and bad jokes from Davro's extensive RnB collection. Tim Westwood, Diddy David Hamilton and Dean Gaffney are regular presenters but Angela Rippon left after being denied appropriate toilet facilities.
The sudden creation of Jedward in late 2010 is connected to the nefarious activities of Davro. The camp Irish twins of mass annoyance were created to deliberately "annoy Ross Kemp, his supporters, and bring about public riots where people kill one another using kitchen implements through the rage those fecking eejits create muhahaha".
Barry Manilow has recently also confirmed that he is under the direct control of Davro "and would kill again through song".
The Institute for the Study of Davro has conducted several special studies designed to clearly define Davro's incessant need for World Fomination through "getting on everyone's tits" but have yet to arrive at any conclusive answers.
Known cohorts of Davro include:
- Billy Idol
- Vladimir Putin
- Sid Owen
- Peter Sissons
- Christopher Biggins
- Vincent Price
- Vanessa Feltz
Argument with Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson[edit]
For over a decade Davro and Dawyne Johnson have been embroilled in a public twitter battle over the best colour the Mark 2 Ford Fiesta was available in. Things reached a violent climax when in 2012 The Rock attempted to teleport Davro to the 5th dimension using the "Rockinator" antigravity machine as manufactured by Mattel. Unfortunately the unit blew up scattering debris across the ionosphere and the unexplained appearance of Des Lynam in the southern hemisphere.
Davro dating app[edit]
In January 2019 Davro released his new dating app designed for women to meet and date Davro lookalikes. "I'm a good looking bastard... of course women wanna date me or someone who looks a lot like me". This appears to be a ruse for Bobby Davro to meet women and spread his seed and impregnate several women by simply pretending to be a lookalike. Scientists believes well over 700 Davro clones could be born in 2019 alone sparking the potential of Davreggedon and the unstoppable spread of bad gags throughout the universe.
Professor Brian Cox has recently resigned over the global threat of Davreggedon. "It gives me the shits. I'm going back to being in D:Ream" said Cox in Heat Magazine.
Effect of Davro on Brexit[edit]
Officials have said that in the event of a No Deal Brexit, Noel Edmounds would be instantly reactivated to spread subliminal messages using a specially commissioned episode of Deal or No Shagging Deal.
Environmentalists warn that thus could ultimately destabilise the world population of wood weevils, cause the re-formation of The Village People and ultimately mean Jeremey Clarkson's hairstyle would be compulsory for all men in the Cotswolds. "We am fooked" said Jeremy Corbyn.
Alleged poodle fraud[edit]
Several high profile people have claimed Davro tried to sell them pedigree poodles. They alleged that instead they were sold Labradors covered in cotton wool affixed by super glue together with remnants of Ziggy Marley's bleached dreadlocks. Davro settled out of court using the conciliation service ACAS.
Chevy Chase[edit]
In 2007 Chevy Chase (commonly known as Vauxhall Chase in the UK and Opel Chase in Europe) attempted to sue Davro claiming "I am the most annoying comedian and human being on the planet. How dare he try and take my title". Davro responded by saying "The public love me, I am the best entertainer in the world. Not even Jim Belushi is funnier than me and he is proper good".
Channel 4 logo[edit]
The new Channel 4 Ident which depicts a strange metallic giant causing chaos around Britain, be it yelling at levels even Brian Blessed could not achieve from a cliff into an unsuspecting town below, or twatting footballs through peoples windows in Walsall. It is thought to be an 'anti-Davro device' secretly developed by DEFRA to unnerve Davro.
"This will really push him over the edge" claimed Neville Gufton, Channel 4's Head of Programming. "I mean for fuck sake what's that all about? A metal giant made from the Channel 4 logo assisting illegal immigrants across the channel... blowing off to ferries who toot back at it... bizarre to the likes of you and me... but it'll totally mindfuck Davro".
Ross Kemp added "watch him go stir crazy... he can't handle stuff like that. His head will explode and I'll have the remnants of his brain on toast... with a can of Shandy Bass... and a Lion Bar for afters". Jonathan Ross was however less confident and cautioned that Davro will see through this particular trap.
Jeremy Kyle Show[edit]
TV hearthrob, chav hero, enforcer and supreme lifestyle guru Jeremy Kyle publically invited Davro and Kemp to appear on the Jeremy Kyle Show in order to resolve their differences once and for all. Kemp declined stating "I am washing my hair, you slag" whereas Davro insisted he was too middle class to appear on the show. Ultimately Davro had Kyle threatened by Vladimir Putin after Davro commented "Tell that Z-list celebrity chav doll bird funkster I don't wanna hear from him again".
Deaths[edit]
Davro has been killed 1.6 billion times over the years but is almost always instantaneously resurrected. All but one of the 1.6 billion kills were made by Ross Kemp. The only other occasion was as a result of a heart attack when Davro lost his virginity.
Many observers feel that the Grim Reaper, Satan and God find Davro so annoying that they send him back to the mortal coil. Writing in the Daily Mail, commentator Quentin Letts declared "Davro is unkillable. He is immortal. He can neither exist in heaven, hell or in the in-between state, all because he is an annoying biffins bridge licking cucking funt".
Mr. T has yet to kill Davro but "remains constantly on standby to finish the fool". Mr. T has placed Davro in intensive care no less than 7 times. It is widely accepted that a combined Kemp / Norris/ Mr. T tag team attack could finish off Davro for all time, but the trio state they have bigger fish to fry. "I pity the fool and am always shagging nurses. Man, where am ai gunna find the time?".
Bruce Willis said he will always step in for Kemp if needed.