Bizarro logic

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Bizarro Logic is the logic by which Bizarro World runs, although in Bizarro World running things do not move at all. Bizarro logic is highlighted by its mass of contradictions, paradoxes, fallacies, and total ignorance to causality. Bizarro logic demands that things in Bizarro World be the opposite to things in the normal world. However, since the omnipotent being that created Bizarro World was lazy and unimaginative, this doesn’t always hold true. Furthermore, what is "the opposite" in Bizarro World is often the same, and versa-vice. It’s said like that in Bizarro World, and by that I mean it isn’t said like that.

Examples of bizarro logic[edit]

A prime example of how bizarro logic works can be demonstrated as so:

  1. In this world, people are mortal.
  2. In Bizarro World, everything is the opposite.
  3. Therefore, in Bizarro World, people live forever.

This classic example of bizarro logic demonstrates how everyone in bizarro world is immortal. Unfortunately it’s not as simple as that, as extrapolating further into bizarro logic:

  1. In this world, “immortal person” does NOT mean “a person that eats toenails.”
  2. In Bizarro World, everything is the opposite.
  3. Therefore, in Bizarro World, being immortal means that you eat toenails.

Note how bizarro logic becomes more sophisticated when the first statement becomes a negation of something in this world. One need not understand the opposite of what is in order to understand bizarro logic – merely the opposite of what is not. Other examples of this include:

  1. In this world, people cannot fly.
  2. In Bizarro World, everything is the opposite.
  3. Therefore, in Bizarro World, people can fly.

  1. In this world, people generally do not shit fiery hot coal.
  2. In Bizarro World, everything is the opposite.
  3. Therefore, in Bizarro World, people shit fiery hot coal.

  1. In this world, playing air guitar does not involve ritualistic sacrifice of children.
  2. In Bizarro World, everything is the opposite.
  3. Therefore, in Bizarro World, lots of babies die when air guitars are played.

The situation becomes more complex when a statement is already reversed, as is such with the Russian Reversal. However, it's not that difficult.

  1. In this world, in Soviet Russia, food eats YOU!
  2. In Bizarro World, everything is the opposite.
  3. Therefore, in Bizarro Soviet Russia, you EAT FOOD?

Paradox and solution[edit]

It becomes readily apparent to tightasses that the nature of bizarro logic is paradoxical. Because one can imply the opposite of something that is not in this world to figure out what is in Bizarro World, multiple contradictory Bizarro World facts can be created.

  1. In this world, the earth has not been destroyed by cabbage.
  2. In Bizarro World, everything is the opposite.
  3. Therefore, in Bizarro World, the earth has been destroyed by cabbage.

  1. In this world, Diana Ross has not eaten sixteen geese after being punched in the knees by David Blaine.
  2. In Bizarro World, everything is the opposite.
  3. Therefore, in Bizarro World, Diana Ross has eaten sixteen geese after being punched in the knees by David Blaine.
  4. In Bizarro World, everything is the opposite.

Note the supposed paradox. Was Bizarro World earth destroyed by cabbage, or by MC Hammer-worshipping zombies? In this world, the answer would be that it couldn’t be both. Of course, since everything is the opposite in Bizarro World, it could be both. As well, since everything is the opposite, destroyed worlds in Bizarro World are actually worlds that are not destroyed. Therefore everything makes perfect sense, kinda. A mathematical foruma proves that there is, in fact, no actual paradox in bizarro logic because bizarro logic dictates that paradoxes are the opposite of paradoxes.

How to use Bizarro Logic to your own Evil Advantage...or at least to make fun of someone[edit]

First, it's apparent that someone who sucks* here would rock** in Bizarro World...right? Wrong. Let's say that a guy named...Zachary Gilbert Wahman, sucks here, and a guy, like Chuck Norris rocks here. Logically, Zachary Gilbert Wahman would rock there, and Chuck Norris would suck. BUT! Zachary Gilbert Wahman is NOT Chuck Norris here, so therefore he IS Chuck Norris in Bizarro World! And Chuck Norris sucks there! So either way, in both this world and Bizarro world, Zachary Gilbert Wahman would suck.

  • (Suck = Not Awesome)
    • (Rock = Awesome)

Extrapolations from bizarro logic[edit]

Although our understanding of Bizarro World is somewhat limited, the use of bizarro logic allows us to infer many facts about Bizarro World, including:

  • Bizarro Hitler retreated across Europe and brought millions of Jews back to life.
  • Coke tastes vastly different than Pepsi, and Pepsi tastes completely different than Coke. This is also true for 7up and Sprite, and for Dr.Pepper and Pibb.
  • Conservapedia is a reliable, unbiased source of information for Christians and non-Christians alike. It's article on homosexuality is particularly fair.
  • In 1865, European Africans got their freedom from African slave owners with the ending of the African civil war.
  • Japanese youths are generally disinterested in tentacle rape, giant robots and neon haired school girls.
  • China is an ecological utopia with no class conflict that Karl Marx would have loved, where women outnumber men.
  • Gandhi ate only McDonalds for 30 days, nearly dying from malnutrition so England could be independent of India.
  • Ears are a part of the digestive system.
  • People eat books to forget information.
  • Kids these days are always listening to Beethoven's 4th Symphony. Only old rich white people listen to rap.
  • Firefighters slide up poles. The police use positive reinforcement and give people money for good behavior.
  • In the Bizarro World, Philosophy is the most marketable college major.
  • The Catholic Church is the worlds leading manufacturer of condoms.
  • You do everything you would normally the same on Opposite Day.
  • Caviar is on the dollar menu at McDonalds, while cow is on the endangered species list.
  • Wikipedia is funny, while Uncyclopedia is so boring most people tend to remove their own eyes with double-sided sporks when reading it.
  • James Knox Polk has been every president except for the eleventh one.
  • Keira Knightley wears a black corset, while Kate Beckinsale wears the white one.
  • Since terrorists finished building the world trade center on 9-11, everyone is required by law to fly armed to the teeth for a shootout at 20,000 feet by the TSA.
  • Oscar Wilde does not like to make quotes about things.
  • Pitchfork Media absolutely hates Radiohead. The mere thought of the band causes them to become homicidal.
  • Pencils remove marks, while erasers re-mark them.
  • People swim in fire.
  • Cold water can burn human flesh.
  • People are tiny and ants are big.
  • Trees make paper out of human skin.
  • Isaac Newton discovered gravity when he clung for dear life to an apple tree to avoid falling into the sky.
  • Congress is synonymous with agreeableness and efficiency and trusted for uncovering the scandals of journalists.
  • Crap is preserved in ovens, cooked in the refrigerator and food is served in the toilet.
  • Puppy Huffing is an extremely popular pastime.
  • Abraham Lincoln was an actor who assassinated president John Wilkes Booth.
  • Christopher Columbus was a native American who discovered Europe.
  • Britain was colonized by America and fought a war of independence.
  • Scientology is a fact and climate change is a hoax invented by the godless communists at Fox News.
  • VH1 and MTV love music and are 100% dedicated to it 24/7.
  • Thrusting knives into people causes massive wounds to heal.
  • America has yet to elect a man as president, as women constantly objectify and marginalize them in the media.
  • Everyone walks around naked all day having sex and pornography consists of fully clothed people filing taxes.
  • TV shows are generally considered to have only gotten good when their shark stars have to fall back on the old cliché of jumping over people.
  • Parents have to pry their older and wiser children away from doing homework and watching CNN to get them to play their video games and read more comic books.