Ben Nevis

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“Of all the mountains I have read about, Ben Nevis is the most recent.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Ben Nevis
Ben Nevis from outer space

Ben Nevis is a gigantic mountain/phallic symbol for/in Scotland. It is located next to Fort William near Fuck All. It is also considered a holy site to the millions of historians located across the world, and many historians make the trek to Ben Nevis every year to receive intellectual enlightenment. It is famous mostly for being famous, and also for being tall because it is larger than any other mountain in the universe.


Ben Nevis is one of the greatest mountains in the history of the world. Housing literally thousands of historians, it is also a key part of historian society, with millions of historians coming each year on a pilgrimage to their sacred mountain.

Although historians are really the only main goers of this mountain, it is rumored that Mr. T MAY have a hidden vacation villa hidden somewhere deep inside the mountain itself. This villa was made by CRAPCOM several years ago and in order to access it, you need the Lion Key, Green Eye Gem, and the Book of Deeds.

Another key point of significance is that Raptor Jesus, King of the Magical Dinosaurs, was discovered there in his anicent tomb. Unfortunately, this released a terrible curse, which caused many things such as World War I, Vietnam, and American Idol.

A History[edit]

The history of Ben Nevis is shrouded in the swirly and shroudy mists of time. Some people believe that it was once used as a Barbarian hideout. However, no one believes this obvious lie. Everyone knows that the Barbarian headquarters that is submerged in the soil at the base of the mountain, which shows advanced signs of decay, with the carbon dating that proves that it is well over a thousand years old, is a plant and was put there by "The Government," to make historians visit.

One popular myth is that the parent company of CRAPCOM, SUCKWARE, made some of the ancient tunnel passageways inside of Ben Nevis itself. These tunnels crisscross each other in many directions, including up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, and Start. There's also the famed "Tunnel of Dennis," which is hidden somewhere within the confines of the mountain. In order to reach it, you must pass through SUCKWARE's special tunnels, which have horendous camera angles and pre-rendered backgrounds. Though it sounds to be impossible, this has actually happened, as accounted by Senator John McCain in his book, "POW! Escape from Ben Nevis". The myth also states that some adventurers arrive in a large hall where there are ancient statues that are being guarded by Nazis who are trying to seek the fountain of youth, because that's the sort of things that Nazis have started doing since the end of WWII.

Famous Climbers of Ben Nevis[edit]

Few people have climbed the colossal monolith that is Ben Nevis. One person who has supposedly climbed it is Bob "I've Done That" Smithson, the notorious liar.

Another legendary climber was Gorow Raff, AKA: The Frog of War. Unfortunately for him, he died shortly after climbing it, allegedly strangled to death by a Chinese waiter. This waiter is currently unavailable for comment at this time.

Another noted climber is Ben Nevess, whose name is coincidentally very similar to the name of the mountain. However, due to mysterious circumstances, he vanished and was never seen again. it is thought that he could have found an entrance into the ancient Scotland Dwarven Hall, but this has not been proven yet due to the inability of anyone since his climb to reach the top.

Climbing entered a new era during the 20th century, when English climbers discovered the north face of the monolith, narrowly beating the Scottish expedition led by Norris Muir. By the time the Scots reached the base of the north face, the English had built a rudimentary hut and were having a cup of tea, yet they refused to let Norris in. So the scene was set for one of the greatest mountaineering epics of all time. Details are sketchy, but it is rumoured that Norris dropped a few too many tabs, and soloed up a sheer wall of rock with icy bits, which he later named Psychedelic Wall of Jellyfish.

Mysteries Beneath[edit]

Many strange things lurk beneath the giant monolith that is the mountain of Ben Nevis. Some adventurers who have found some secret tunnels leading deep into the mountain have reported that they have found a giant cavern in the middle. One famed adventurer, Jick Skullhead, claims he has pictures that prove that the Loch Ness Monster, resides in the giant pools of water that are in the hidden cavern. Of course, everyone knows that it is most likely Lessy, the lesser known cousin of the famed Nessy, who resides in the Bahamas.

Another grand mystery of the depths of Ben Nevis is the tale of E.T: The Game. It is said that some crazy ATARI producer went out, against the will of the ATARI empire, and began creating the ultimate game, by combining awesome graphics, sweet gameplay, and the blood of 1000 virgins. (Well, only 37% were virgins, the rest were chimps, who could quite possibly have been virgins, but no files confirm if they were virgins or not.) After doing this unholy combanation, he witnessed the rise of one of the greatest pieces of trash every spawned in this world. The games were not actually buried in New Mexico as commonly believed, as that would have poisoned the earth around it. They were placed underneath Ben Nevis, along with it's unholy creator, Senator John McRain. (Not to be confused with Senator John McCain.) Due to it being inside Ben Nevis, the E.T. games were unable to affect the sheer awesomeness of its cave and eventually they all settled down and created a society where they collected things that were on the bottoms of holes. It is said if the E.T. games do not get these items eery so often, the scientists or the Men in Black will come and arrest them. How they can get inside a sealed cave without anything too special is another story for another time.

Conflicts on Ben Nevis[edit]

The Billion Man March Invasion[edit]

In the 1733 A.D, the Chinese empire was at the top of it's awesome power. With all of the eastern world under control, (as well as parts of South Dakota) they moved to eliminate the last part of free, non-communist/socialist power, the Royal Historian Society of Ben Nevis (RHSBN, or as commonly called, Risben). The Billion Man March of the Chinese forces moved in on this mountain which housed no more then 15,000 historians. But what they didn't count on was all of these graying old men packing heavy books made out of the very stone of Ben Nevis. As the siege began, teams of 35 took each book and hurled them an amazing 3 feet forward! The Chinese, completely unaware of this new form of warfare, quickly began to panic. As the books thundered down at a shocking 15 MPH, a few brave, slightly younger historians charged behind them, yelling angry "Leave the premises now!" speeches and grabbing Chinese earlobes without mercy. By this time, even the Chinese General, Dong Shong-Quan Bo-Shan Man Kin-Ling Lao, began to doubt the chance of victory and quickly pulled back. The historians had won, and the Americans, after beating back the Chinese in the Revolutionary War, quickly overran the great empire with their guns.

The Cannibals of Hannibal[edit]

Before the infamous Billion Man March of the Chinese empire, another group dared to try and topple the fortress of Ben Nevis. These were the famed Cannibals of Hannibal. After Hannibal came over the mountains and was pushed back, he was still feeling pissed off at the world. As such, he decided to go and blow up the nearest thing that he saw. The nearest place just happened to be the small historian temple of Ben Nevis. Though still small, these historians were confident that nobody would ever try and attack them and stop their mindless banter about crap that nobody else cared about.

Hannibal and his cannibals quickly moved in under the cover of darkness and rain, which caused all the scouting historians to retreat back inside, as they horribly detested the weather. This allowed Hannibal's Cannibals (known in their hometown of Crooklyn as HC-Unit) to get inside the sacred temple without warning. When they entered, the first line of resistance, the historians of historians, were quickly taken down and many killed. This continued, wiping out many more historian sects such as the World Peace sect, Hunger Ending sect, and the most popular Proper Pimping sect. As they neared the sacred hall of Ben Nevis, the historians of the World Wars sect reviewed their books quickly and equipped themselves with crudely made molotov cocktails. They then used SUCKWARE's crappy camera angles and pre-rendered backgrounds to their advantage and quickly drove back Hannibal's Cannibals with cries of "Defiling mormons!" and "BOOM! HEADSHOT!". (The latter eventually died out though, as the ones calling it out often missed, causing them to commit suicide.) After only 13 hours of fierce fighting, Hannibal's Cannibals were wiped from the face of the earth with only 29 casualties. (They died out because they eventually ate each other, the final survivor was Kanye West).)

Fiddy's Assualt on "Da Big Bennizzle"[edit]

Sometime between 2004 AD and 3492 AD, the extremist retard known as Fifty "Fiddy" Cent (50 Cent) led him and his posse of wannabe gangster rappers against the historians on Ben Nevis. By this time, the Historians had reached a Golden Age, in which they prospered and grew massivly in size and even founded a town in the Chasm of Nevis. However, the sect of Historian Battle Tactics had gone lax during the time, and forgot to record the key points that showed the victory over the Billion Man March. The historians, with their large size but small weapons, had Fiddy's "krew" quickly overcome the town in the Chasm of Nevis, known as Neviston. They quickly set up they're dope sound systems and began to spew songs that challenged even the most retarded of minds. The historians fled, retreating quickly towards the fortress that had existed for centuries on Ben Nevis. Taking refuge inside, the historians huddled together, each sect chanting the primary phrase of each sect's beliefs. (It should be noted that the Rapper Sect defected. Before they could help out Fiddy, they all killed themselves in ritualistic suicide after realizing who they had actually switched over to.)

As defeat grew closer and closer, the daring leader of the Historian Defense Sect, Renault Kennedy, made a break from the fortress. He managed to evade the rappers long enough to send a distress signal to Britain's "Streamlyn" sector. A few days later, Seven Pence (7 PenSCE) arrived with his own army of "jolly boys", "ol' beanizzles", and the fabled bodyguard crew, "The Norrisians". A battle ensued between the two, with both sides spewing the crap they dared to call music even in the face of Jesus himself. Though Jesus left shortly after it began, (he went to go taunt the people stranded on the island in Lost) his appearance allowed the historians to hold out long enough for Seven Pence to overcome Fiddy. With Fiddy surrendered, the historians of the Legendary Disease sect gave him the deadly Brian Peppers Syndrome, destroying any form of humanity the dumbass ever had. Seven pence returned to Streamlyn, where he still continues to "bust a rap, guv'na". The historians had once again overcome another conflict, losing only three sects in the process.

The Troll-Dwarf Conflict[edit]

The Troll-Dwarf Conflict took place in the year 17000 B.M. (Before Microsoft). It is one of the only documented cases where both sides managed to somehow ambush each other. This happened due to a rift in time and space where the original ambushers (the trolls) had ambushed the dwarves who then used the rift to travel back in time and ambush the trolls. The dwarves, who resided in their giant halls near the base of Ben Nevis, had planned on how to stop invaders. They had set up traps, which, when tripped, would release a deadly gas that would render the victim retarded. However, since the trolls already had the intelligence of rocks, this trap was ineffective.

The fighting between the trolls and dwarves raged on for centuries. Neither side gained much ground due to the dwarves hiding in their mountain complex and the trolls sitting outside the mountain complex waiting for the dwarves to come out. The only time that there were stretches of peace was when the dwarves would sign a treaty so they could go out and get groceries. They did this treaty 573 times, but since the trolls were stupid by nature and increasingly getting worse due to the constant tripping of the toxic traps they didn’t even remember the previous treaties. Eventually the dwarves won by saying they were trespassing to the local government and the trolls were arrested for loitering, thus ending the Troll-Dwarf Conflict.

The dwarves are said to still be staying in their cavern halls but they haven’t been seen by human eyes in many centuries, but there have been cases of many “bearded children” buying massive orders of groceries.

See Also[edit]