Aleksandr Orlov
Aleksandr Orlov (born 5 January 1990) is a British-Australian meerkat, who is best known for founding the website CompareTheMeerkat.com — a dating site for meerkats.
Orlov has said he is irked by people mistaking his website for CompareTheMarket.com, a bussiness site for comparing markets against one another. He claims that he cannot understand why meerkat is mistaken for market. Over the years, Orlov has amassed a cult following, amassing 300,000 followers on Facebook and Twitter combined. He has also attracted some criticism for his controversial views on mongooses, which some have deemed offensive. In 2007, he was voted 3rd Sexiest Mammal Alive by a Discovery Channel poll, coming behind fellow meerkat Flower Whiskers and Caleb the Gorilla. Since both Flower and Caleb have died, it could be said that Orlov is the sexiest mammal alive. However, he has made clear his intention to remain a bachelor, despite being romantically linked with Justin Beeber, Rebecca Black and Katie Price.
Early life[edit]
Orlov was born into a British meerkat colony, the Minskies. His father, Vladamir Kolsak Orlov, owned a tractor factory and his mother Anna, was a renowned novelist. She was the author of works such as Anna Meerkaterina (semi-autobiographical) and Lolita — some have foolishly claimed Lolita was written by Vladimir Nabokov. They are, of course, wrong. Aleksandr received his education via home schooling, as his parents were distrustful of state schools, ever since the mysterious disappearance of Leonid, Aleksandr’s elder brother in 1958. When Orlov was two, the Minsky burrow came under a brutal attack from rival mongoose clan, the Gnashers, headed by leader Luis Carrera (Spanish meerkats are sneaky buggers). In the fight, twenty-nine meerkats were killed, including Orlov’s mother and father. He only survived the onslaught because he slipped out for a quick snog with his then girlfriend, Agata Zabinski.
Orlov described running back in to find his father dying in emotional detail in his 2006 autobiography, Simples: The Tale of Aleksandr Orlov:
| “ | In the kitchen, I find father. He lays on floor, his clothes drenched in mongoose piss, the smell overpowering him. I knew he didn’t have long left. Mongoose piss, is deadly, poisonest known to mammal kind. Father last word to me as he lays dying on floor “Forgive the mongooses”. Obviously delirious was he with pain, so I ignore foolish sentiment. Then I leg out.... | ” |
Adoption[edit]
After that, Orlov was adopted by his adult cousin, Vladislav Orlov. To protect himself from reprisals by Carrera’s henchmen, Aleksandr took his cousins’ surname. Orlov’s cousins came from an old aristocracy family, and so they and Aleksandr moved to Russia and lived in a grand mansion just north of St. Petersburg. Vladislav worked as the secretary for local businessmeerkat Allan Sugarayev, and it is from him that Aleksandr got his love of dating, as well as letter openers and his meerkat nationalism. In 1994, the business dried up (there is not much call for sauerkraut in Russia) leading to the loss of several hundred jobs. The resulting protests led to Sugareyev and all the Orlovs being forced out of Russia, save for Aleksandr, who had the sense to put down his name as Minsky. As a result of Aleksandr forging Great Uncle Nikita’s will, the young meerkat received the glorious Orlov mansion, which he still owns to this day.
Presidency[edit]
In 2003, Aleksandr Orlov stood up for a seat in the Russian Government, representing Meerkovo. He was so popular that in the following year, he stood up for presidency and won. He was the President of Russia for four years, until he was drugged by Vladimir the Putin's henchmen and sold to The Socialist Republic of Scouseland's advertising team for 100,000 crumpets and 23 scones.
Step aside, Tinder[edit]
After winning back his freedom from Scouseland, Orlov moved to Australia where his mother had once hailed from. There, he saw single Aussie blokes and sheilas and thought that he could play Cupid. His first few attempts failed, but when he finally matched a couple together, the meerkat started his own dating show which then evovled into a dating app in order to save budget costs as operating a television show in Australia is quite expensive — and also because an app is a better way to get a tax write-off. When the dating app was in early devolopment, it dawned on Orlov to make it only for meerkats, due to the lack of other meerkat related dating assistance in the market.
In 2009, CompareTheMeerkat was launched globally with 173 meerkats finding love within the first three months (with one couple even being a three-way).
Running for PM[edit]
Orlov has announced that he will run for Prime Minister of Australia in the 2024 Federal Election. With his experience as the Russian President, the Australian colonies of meerkats have all backed Orlov, as well as gaining support from the Kangaroo, Koala and Kookaburra parties. The human Liberal and Labor parties have started an early smeer campaign against Orlov due to the abbreviation seen when you combine the three supporting parties backing Orlov.