Winslet fatalism

“All shall love me and despair. They damn well better! Want me, I am tease!”

~ Kate Winslet on Men

Oh geez. I am so depressed right now. Dammit.

Winslet fatalism is a school of thought whose subscribers (20% of which are male) have come to the realization that they will never, ever be with actress Kate Winslet and therefore there is no point in living. The philosophy had floated around the ether for several years, but it was officially founded as a movement by Steve T. Moses of Mediocre Britain in 1999 after accidentally catching the last half of the film Titanic on HBO. Or, to be more precise, right after the scene where Winslet poses nude.

Arguments

The argument upon which Winslet fatalism is built is called the Winslet argument and goes as follows:

• If you are ill and call a doctor, Kate Winslet will not fall in love with you.
• Likewise, if you are ill and do not call a doctor, Kate Winslet will still not fall in love with you.

I once saw Kate Winslet on the street, followed her home, looked in her window, and dashed off a sketch.

• Therefore, there is no point in calling a doctor. And Kate Winslet still doesn't know you exist.
• If you want Kate Winslet to know you exist, you have to be a man who is already married or engaged. Then she will fall in love with you. See: Titanic, Little Children, Romance & Cigarettes, Quills, etc. Her clothes can not come off quickly enough.
• If it helps you all fall out of love with the unobtainable Kate Winslet, keep in mind she has an Achilles's Heel--her own heels. Mainly, her feet. They are a size 200 and are especially unsightly and smelly. Really nasty. The sight of those unsightly, unbearable little tootsies has lead to her being divorced three times. Scientific studies have shown her feet continue expanding every six months. Yes, it's gross. It's scary. It's proof of God's complete total absence. If her feet continue to grow much further (and history all show that they will), she will not have feet anymore. The feet will have her. Two continents with a considerably attractive woman attached to them.

This argument was quite controversial for a number of years, but now it is widely accepted as truth. Entertainment Weekly called it the Most Depressing Truth of 2005. It is also taught at universities around the world along with other philosophies that will screw with your head. The argument remains somewhat controversial, however, since it has spawned numerous alcoholisms by male college students who think that "We just don't stand a chance."

Cults

There have been millions of cults centered around Winslet fatalism throughout the world, with memberships totaling one each. However, there have also been some larger organizations.

For a small fee payable to the Winslet Trailer Fatalists Foundation, you can be allowed to fantasize yourself here!

In 2005, smelly homeless lunatic Randall C. Murphy started the Winslet Trailer Fatalists, or WTF. WTF, an offshoot of Murphy's multimillion dollar Will Work for Food Corporation and his The End Is Near Foundation, has the mission to somehow defy their own beliefs. Their mission statement is as follows:

“ We pledge to continually pester Kate Winslet at her movie trailers until she finally decides to date each one of us, until she finally falls into an intimate and everlasting love with one of us. Yes, I know we are fatalists and this goes against everything we believe, but just play along, okay? ”

Suspension

This philosophy was briefly suspended in 2001 after she divorced with her husband Jim Threapleton. It was reinstituted in 2003 when she remarried, but has since been suspended since she divorced her second husband in 2010.

See Also

• Men
• Movies
• Philosophy
• Women