Why?:You Shouldn't Read Books
|
Why? This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's? |
“ Kill jews. Read books.”
The Facts[edit]
January 27th 1978; John (fictitious name) finishes reading a book on Peyronie's disease. John didn't smoke or drink, nor did he have sex with your sister. He was a healthy man. He was a happy man.
17 months later he dies of headbutt.
This can happen to you if you have ever read a book in your life. Furthermore, research suggests that the risk of death increases by a factor of 1 for every additional book you read.
In a blind controlled, double placebo study in Russia, two men in the reading group were killed by radioactive cups of tea. There were no statistically significant changes in the control group.
Tom Cruise knows. He knows. And... he has to do something about it.
Books That Have Already Killed Massive Numbers Of People[edit]
- The holy bible by Jesus
- The qu'ran by Naveen Andrews
- Life Strategies by Dr. Phil
- All books recommended by Oprah Winfrey
An Inconvenient Tooth[edit]
If we don't take action now, by the year 2050 books will have melted down most of the earth's ice caps-lock. The water level will rise, and the added weight will crush the backbones of every fish in the sea. With no natural predators left, books will breed uncontrollably and form a massive biblocloud that will blot out the sun, making us dangerously vulnerable to a full scale vampire attack.
Confrontation[edit]
Inexorably, at some point books will actively try to kill you and your family. High-risk environments include the toilet, school and your mom. In order to increase your chance of survival, you must hence learn about different genera of these inconspicuous man-killers:
Flying Devil-Books:[edit]
Immediately kill yourself if you spot a flying devil-book, for that is your best chance at survival. They will kill you, reanimate you and kill you again until they grow bored of reanimating you.
Byblos Neurophagos:[edit]
They lay still on your bookshelf for years, and sometimes centuries at a time. But the inevitable is bound to happen - you will wake them up. And they will eat your brains, gain your knowledge and then go back to their murderous slumber. Guess who really'............albanians are da best......' killed Nicole Simpson. That's right. OJ did.
In Conclusion[edit]
Steer clear of books at all cost. Utilize the internets to obtain reliable data about everything. For more information on how to lead a book-free life call 555-8632 and order a copy of my international best-seller Books: the lurking menace. Buy three get one for free