Why?:Use a wooden condom

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Hear about Woodos™ wooden condoms today!

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An early wooden condom, crafted over 3000 years ago. Squirrels have been known to perch on these condoms during their use.

Through history, many so called "players" have tried to pleasure members of the opposite sex. Or the same sex. Either way, male participants in this so called "sex" have often been urged to use a form of protection against STDs, such as AIDS, Sexual Tropical Meningitis (STM), and butt leprosy. Yes, you heard me right. AIDS.

You see, without protection, there would be many more people contracting these horrible diseases. Thats why early versions of humans invented a method of near fool-proof protection. The wooden condom. One would simply insert the penis into a large wooden condom, and continue intercourse, whilst remaining perfectly safe. The fact that the male using the condom received little to no pleasure was but a small unfortunate side effect. Until now...

The Modern Wooden Condom and You

Why?
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?

The modern wooden condom one can purchase today has gone through many improvements. It now offers slightly more protection from the use of a generally harder and denser wood. This allows for less "leakage". Another significant improvement is the shape of the condom. With good 'ol American ingenuity, we can craft much more finely shaped condoms.

Woodos™: The classic wooden condom

Woodos™ was started in 1865 when Harry Ryeman dug up a prehistoric wooden condom outside his apartment complex in Britain. Harry realized he could market this revolutionary product. After years of putting his hard working Christian values to the test, he emerged with a product with no significant advantage over the one he dug up. He then hired his buddy, Woody, to help him construct a larger, and more elongated wooden condom. Several year's later, Woodos™ was born, and with it, the golden age of wooden condoms.

Woodos™ is still operated by these two men, and their corporation still stands by their original seal of quality. "If it isn't long, hard, and elongated, then it isn't a Woodos™," Harry Ryeman has been known to say. Harry and Woody still maintain their business model of excellent customer service. They offer a lifetime warranty on all Woodos™ condoms, and have several authorized maintenance shops set up through the country.

The Factory: From tree branch to work of art

Wood Selection

The wood selection process begins with the selection of wood. Hence the name. Woodos™ technicians select only the finest pieces of maple, hickory, and bubinga wood to craft the condoms. Once the pieces with the finest grain have been selected, the wood is sent to the crafting stage.

Crafting

Once the finest wood has been selected, it is brought to the workshop. It is then cut into several large dowels with a drill. The head of the condom is then sharpened by knife, giving each condom a unique look, and ensuring that no two are the same. Another hole is then drilled into that dowel, and condom is sanded with a custom rotating sander, designed to fit snuggly inside the condom. After it is sanded, the condom is stained with Hard-Use stain, and the Woodos™ logo is burned into the side. Once a batch of condoms is finished, they are carted off to the testing phase.

Extensive Testing

Every single wooden condom produced at the Woodos™ factory is put through an extensive testing process to ensure only the finest condoms are delivered to the customer. After a batch is finished, each individual condom is thoroughly inspected for cracks and blemishes by a Licensed Condom Technician, or LCT. They are also checked for splinters, which are sanded out in-house. I bet you're saying, "How can wooden condoms be so great if they could give me splinters on my wang?" While splinters are indeed an unfortunate side effect of the wooden condom on occasion, the risk is worth it to be able to wear a hand-crafted Woodos™. After the splinter checking phase, the condom is then taken to a heat chamber, where it is exposed to temperatures similar to those experienced during intercourse, both anal and vaginal. After this phase, another technician will take the condom to the "playground", where he will use the condom during all sorts of intercourse. The condom is then immediately shipped out with the semen still in the condom, to keep the condom as fresh and sanitary as possible until it arrives at your door.

Woodos™ has a large selection of woods that will "get the job done".

Woodos™ Custom Shop

Thats right, Woodos™ now offers a custom shop! There are so many choices and options for your condoms, and now you can have a condom however you like! Our custom shop can make you a condom of up to 7 feet, and in any type of wood or composite. We can also emblazon your condom with logos and insignias! Want some neon lights? The shop does that too! We can put almost anything on our wooden condoms! We have put on spinners, LEDs, speakers, iPod docking stations, and many other things in the past! Need food on the "job"? Our custom shop technicians can add a toaster oven and a hot plate! You're all good to go! "Work" in shady areas of town? Then the condom/handgun may be just the thing for you, available in several different calibers! Want your partner to suck your shlong? Well then you might consider getting your condom finished in one of our many delicious flavors! Are you an outdoorsman? If so, the Wooden Condom/Swiss Army Knife may be for you! The custom shop receives hundreds of orders a month, largely because of the great customer service and the individual attention we give to each custom condom customer!

Why should I wear them?

More protection

More advanced classic wooden condom. This specimen is a model from the 1920s. Note the darker grain, and more finely crafted head. Also note it is a not a tree branch.

You may be thinking, "Why would I ever want to wear a wooden condom when I could wear a lightweight, breathable, rubber latex condom, and still get pleasurable sensations? They offer the same amount of protection right?" WRONG. Latex condoms only offer a 99% protection rate, and only when worn properly. How often does that happen? Wooden condoms can offer up to 99.3% protection, and it's virtually impossible to wear it incorrectly, largely because of the heavy-duty construction methods and materials. Never spill bodily fluids on your spouse again.

You feel and look "larger"

Yep, that's right. With a wooden condom on your shlong, your tool will appear much more pronounced and sizable. This will give you more confidence in the bedroom, and give you better odds of pleasuring your mate. Small dick? No more worries! These wooden condoms fit everyone! One size fits your whole family! Speaking of your family...

Pass it down for generations!

You grandchildren will be proud to inherit such a timeless classic! These wooden condoms hold so much value, they will never go out of style! Pass your condom down from generation to generation! Your family may never need to buy another condom again once you perish. When you buy a wooden condom for yourself, you're investing in your family's sexual future. Or while you're alive, you could just...

Share it!

Threesomes have never been so safe! Just toss the ol' wooden condom cross the bed and let your friend take a spin! Even your pal with ED can have some fun! No one is left out!

Remember the time...

You couldn't get that stupid latex condom package open? You tried for several minutes before giving up as it was, "too late". Well, with a Woodos™, you'll never have to put up with that nonsense again. Each and every Woodos™ model comes in a stylish zippered leather sheath, meaning you'll never lose against the clock again!

Necrophilia

Have an "urge" to fuck the shit out of dead bodies? Hate the diseases and chunks of rotted flesh that come with that urge? Then wooden condoms are for you, the sick/twisted individual. No longer will you get slices of flesh covered in maggots on your genitals! No longer will you feel "small" in front of your dead relatives! The graveyard will never be scary again! Our motto? Leave no evidence behind!

Dangers of not wearing one!

Every time you use any other method of prevention (even abstinence), you are putting yourself at risk if you are not wearing a Woodos™. Did you know every time you use a method of protection other than a wooden condom, you cut your lifespan by 1 year? Yep, it's really worth purchasing a wooden condom, just so you don't die at 30!

Police have been using wooden condoms to defend the peace for years, and so can you!

Defend yourself!

Ever had an intruder in the house? Then you know the importance of having some sort of weapon to defend yourself with. Firearms are no good, it's too hard to follow all those safety rules, and having holes punched in your quaint country home is certain to lower property values. But, if one simply uses a Woodos™ wooden condom as a club and beats the intruder to death, there's no problem. Plus you can use it for "other things" too!

Woodos™ condoms are good for, well, anything!

You may be thinking, outside of the obvious, what else can these wooden condoms do? They can't be inflated and manipulated into balloon animals like latex condoms, can they? Oh, but there is so much a wooden condom can do! They can be used as pencil holders, drinking cups (Probably should wash it first), dildos, clubs, guitar slides, bottle rocket launch pads, anything!

But, still, what about the lack of pleasure?

Oh yes, that. Well let me tell you something. It's all in your head. The only pleasure you need is the thrill of putting on a fine wooden condom. Besides even if you seek this "pleasure", what makes you think you won't get it with a fine wooden condom, huh? Is it the beautiful stained grain? The fine craftsmanship? Wooden condoms are for real men!