Why?:Rock Beats Paper
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This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
“Curses, foiled again!”
“How do I won game?”
We all know that Rock Paper Scissors is a good game. By far, it is the most classic way of settling an agrument. Better yet, it settles an argument with your fists. You might consider the game to be harmless, but then you would be wrong. Rock Paper Scissors is a game that teaches the fundamentals of Life but with extreme violence.
Say you had a game of Rock Paper Scissors right now. Which move would you play? You can only choose one of three 'weapons'. Assuming you have not lived in a cave all your life, you will know that Rock beats Scissors, Scissors beats Paper, and Paper beats Rock. It's relatively simple. If you can grasp that much, then you are well on your way to understanding the rest.
Say you play a game of Rock Paper Scissors with your best friend (if you have one). Let us also say that on the decisive count of 'three' you unleash a rock. Your opponent, probably sensing this, has drawn his Paper. Game Over, right? Wrong again.
You may think it is normal for Paper to beat Rock. You would be wrong.
It is therefore put to you, <insert name here>, that Rock can and will beat Paper.
Impossible, you say? Not so. Although it may somehow seem logical that paper covers the rock and therefore destroys it, it is nothing but utter lies. Is it possible for a flimsy piece of paper to match the power of the rock? Who says that crushed wood pulp held together with spit and prayers is any match for nature in its strongest form of a rock?
Let us start at the beginning, to the basic rules of the game of Rock Paper Scissors. This will give you time to contemplate the truth.
Each corner of this triangle must join the other two corners, right? And each corner must support another corner, right? Using that triangle, we can assign each move of RPS to a corner. This is the basic structure of Rock Paper Scissors. Each move of Rock, Paper, and Scissors is defeated by an adjacent move, but must also in turn be able to defeat the remaining corner. This simple structure allows the game to flow without discrepancies or problems. Most importantly, everyone has a fair chance of winning the game.
But how is Rock able to beat Paper? The answer is in mathematics.
Let us begin by stating the (currently valid) fact that Paper does indeed beat Rock. This can be expressed as:
This means that Paper 'over' Rock results in a victory. Simple enough to grasp. But what happens when the Rock puts a hole into the Paper? It now becomes:
This shows that the paper with the hole in it is still able to beat the rock and win. We can rearrage this for mathematical purposes to becomes:
From this point, we can now state that the Paper with the hole in it is equal to 1/1. This is because the Paper has now realised it has a big hole in it and so is defeated. This scores one point for the Rock, making the score 0/1. But nobody has won the game yet, because RPS is a fight to the death. So the score is still even, and therefore is one-one. It has now become:
By putting the Rock on the other side of the equation, it becomes one divided by one divided by Rock, which simplifies to one times Rock divided by one, which simplifies to Rock. We can now deduce that:
And there you have it. Maths has proved that Rock can indeed beat Paper, providing that a hole has been put in the Paper.
If the mathematical explanation has failed to explain the new fact to you, then try to think of it in simple common terms. Hopefully this will explain it better:
-Paper fights Rock-
-Rock drops from a big height and punches hole in Paper-
This proves that Rock is able to beat Paper.
Should you find that you are still unable to grasp why Rock beats Paper, then this final explanation should settle your troubles.
Before this, you agreed to the fact that Paper defeats Rock. To answer 'why?' You would have said that the Paper would cover the Rock and therefore defeat it. You would not, however, have been able to answer 'how?', because you basically did not know. All you knew was that Paper beats Rock, and that was it, as far as you were concerned.
In the real world, Paper would be unable to defeat Rock by simply covering it. Should rain have fallen, the Paper would have become water-logged and would shortly later have dissolved. Therefore it is not feasible for Paper to be able to defeat Rock. It is therefore perfectly possible for Rock to be able to punch holes in the paper and thus destroy it.
What has just been done is that the converse (opposite) of the statement 'Rock beats Paper' has been proved to be false. Therefore the statement must be true.
It is possible that this sudden fact that 'Rock beats Paper' may have completely thrown the whole point of Rock Paper Scissors. Now that Rock beats Paper, the triangle becomes biased in favour of Rock. Rock becomes the ultimate weapon of choice in the game. Indeed, the game might be abandoned altogether now that it is so biased.
But try to think of this problem as a good thing. Many times have players shown their Rock, only to be outsmarted by Paper. Now the game will give the Rock users a chance at winning, even if every other player in the world also uses Rock because it now beats everything.
Besides, even if it is a bad thing, at least people will stop wasting their time trying to win the game. Now that there is no obvious way to victory, people will find something else that will settle their meaningless squabbles.
The New Game
Believe it or not, there is a way to rebalance the game. Rock has now, accidentaly, become an ultimate weapon. So the only way to counter it is to bring in an equally ultimate weapon. We are refering to Dynamite.
Despite the balance of the original game of RPS, many young and inexperienced players will often bring in a new move simply to ensure that they will always win. This move, Dynamite, is able to defeat Rock Paper and Scissors immediately without any argument. Not only is this move pointless and will ruin the game, but will no doubt result in the Dynamite user being punched in the face by the angry loser. As a result, Dynamite is rarely played.
Rock has now become an ultimate weapon, much like the move known as Dynamite. If Dynamite was incorporated fully into the game, Rock and Dynamite would cancel each other out, and the game would become 'fair' once again. This can be achieved if the following rules are used:
- Dynamite is only able to defeat Rock (because the Dynamite will blow up Rock).
- Rock is able to beat Paper (as already proved).
- Scissors is able to defeat Dynamite (because the scissors will cut the fuse, thus rendering the Dynamite useless).
- Paper is able to defeat Scissors (as a fluke, and because the Paper will cause the Scissors to jam and break).
Using these new rules, the game can now be portrayed as a balanced square, with all of the moves defeating another and in turn being defeated. The area in the middle of the square is known as the 'Negative Zone', where the two opposite corners of the square when played against each other will result in them cancelling out each other and becoming a draw. This will happen if Dynamite & Paper are played (the Paper will put out the fuse on the Dynamite, but will also be set on fire), or the Rock and Scissors are played (the Rock will smash the Scissors to pieces, but the Scissors will get under the Rock and push it off a cliff). The game is therefore balanced once again.
The New New Game
Further causing everyone unneccesary confusion, American sadist and satanist Sam Kass has laughed at the addition of dynamite to the game. He has also dismissed the clear proof that Rock does indeed beat Paper. Instead, he has added not only one but two extra weapons to the game. These weapons are Lizardman and Trekkie.
Lizardman is the more favourable of the weapons because of its ability to wield a sword and shield, spit poison and bite people. The Lizardman is able to poison the Trekkie and ingest the Paper. Scissors, however, are able to fight Lizardman in a sword fight and win. Rock, however, is proven to be more powerful, as it can crush Lizardman easily.
Alternatively, there is a small lobby-group pushing for Plastic bag in place of Paper, because Plastic bag is more bio-gegradable than Paper.
It is hoped that you have been able to understand from this article why Rock is able to beat Paper, and have also seen how this affects the game of Rock Paper Scissors. Incidentally, the game is now known as Rock Paper Scissors Dynamite, since Dynamite has been brought in as a full-fledged move. Nevertheless, the game now works around the rule that Rock beats Paper. Now we can move on to proving that none of the marbles will ever hit each other, that it is a one-man army and therefore not a war, and that it is a contact sport.