Why?:Is there no channel one?

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"Why is there no channel one?" is a question that has plagued philosophers and Herpetologists for years. If one is the first number then it would seem obvious that the first channel would be channel one, but this is not true. The first channel is channel two. This has led to a paradox...

It has recently been pointed out that in Britain, the Greatest Empire Ever To Have Conquered The Whole Known and Unknown World In Exchange For Some Pretty Beads -- Second Only To The Canadians --, there IS a channel one. As every useful invention ever invented will quite obviously, without need for thought, be a British Invention. The one and only, and ironically, useless British Invention is our dear sweet gaylord Oscar Wilde, the greatest and most useless artist ever to have lived (mind, how he proclaimed that "all art is really rather useless"). This is not a paradox. If you say it is, Oscar himself will disagree with you and since all he does is artistic for he is a dandy, then his argument against you will be a paradox. Henceforth this issue will be double paradox, and will continue to do so mitotically forever more until there are more paradoxuri (Plural of "paradox", also "paradoaxe" is accepted ) than you can count on the tentacles on your parasites.

The real Problem[edit]

  • If there is no channel one, then channel two is the first channel.
  • If two is the first number, then it must be one.
  • But if channel two is channel one, and channel one does not exist, then two cannot exist.
  • If one and two do not exist, then channel three must be the first channel.

So on, until it is proven:

  • If all numbers are the first channel, and channel one does not exist, then numbers do not exist.

The theory has caused much controversy among Academic circles, some stating that the evidence for the existence of numbers is too high to be refuted through a single theory, and that there must be other reasons that Channel One does not exist. Some say the FCC set the frequency waves aside for use by mobile radios, though the theory has yet to catch on.

Channel One is only available to high school students for fifteen minutes during homeroom. Its semi-news and cool graphics programming is interspersed with quality public safety announcements whose quality messages include: U.S. Marines get to climb up really tall cliffs, and if you smoke pot you will inevitably run over a girl on a bike.

The Solution[edit]

A reader writes in to say: Actually there was a Channel One, but as they were the only one when they were created and the technology was so hair-raisingly advanced it was unimaginable anyone could ever go to the trouble of duplicating it all to make another one, they just called themselves The Channel. It's like British postage stamps not having the country on it, or US commercial websites using .com instead of .com.us, you see. Does that strike a chord? Good. Then we'll proceed. Unfortunately as the channel business became more competitive, they had to start doing what their newer rivals were already doing and holding telethons to raise funds. Unfortunately they couldn't tell you which channel to send money to. People would just put down their pens in puzzlement, then reach for the remote control (this was after remote controls) and find a channel that could identify itself. Bankruptcy inevitably ensued.

It's Comcastic![edit]

For people using Comcast television service, they have a Channel 1, which is the 'Comcastic Channel', also known as 'On Demand'. Which doe not really show television shows whenever you want, because you have to buy some shows, and you might not have money at the time. If you do have money, however, it might not be enough money. And sometimes you don't get the episode of the television show you want to see, which results in you rarely using On Demand. Which makes this Channel 1 a useless Channel 1, because it is not really a channel, more like a computer program.

Another Theory That's Also Wrong[edit]

There is only one theory the Republicans believe about the lack of a cable or over-the-air (broadcast) channel one: It is said that in preparation for The Second Coming, Armageddon, or happy hour, channel one has been reserved in case God or the man Jesus decide they want to speak to Americans. He/She/Them/They couldn't use a universal 'channel' by just talking and everyone on earth hearing voices in the sky for fear of the socialists and liberals being aware of the earthly happenings. Also, due to FCC regulations, all other cable, satellite, or broadcast channels cannot be used because regularly scheduled programming is not to be interrupted, no exceptions. However, this theory is completely exempt from any possibility of ever being considered because it is GOP supported.