Unfomercials:Inspirigun

Do you feel like every day is just the same old shit over and over again?

Do you find yourself struggling to figure out just the right way to rephrase that passage you nicked from Wikipedia so it doesn't look like you've plagiarized?

Can't quite figure out how to defeat your arch-nemesis and take over the planet?

Are you just plain bummed?

Fear not! There's a new miracle product in town, that can turn your lowest and least inspirational moments...

...into moments that will impress your friends (if you have any), shock your co-workers (if they care), and throw the scientific community for a loop or two.

It's called the Inspirigun™, and here's how it works: First, the subject's brainwave patterns are analyzed. Then, Inspirigun™ goes to work analyzing those patterns. Next, Inspirigun™ shoots out pulses of energy that completely disrupt whatever it is you're thinking about. Finally, it fries some bits of your brain until it has decided you've gone just mad enough to be a genius, at which point a revolutionary idea will almost certainly occur. Or death, whichever comes first. No refunds for bunk ideas. All ideas are the sole responsibility of the owner to nurture, except for the moneymaking ones, which we will nab the rights to.

Let's take a look at this hypothetical situation where the Inspirigun™ could be used. Scientist 1: I can't seem to work out this equation. Scientist 2: Perhaps that is because you are stupid and inferior to me, as proven by my many awards and longer amount of time spent on Earth. Scientist 1: You're not helping. Scientist 2: That is because I have not yet had my coffee. Scientist 1: Oh, sorry. Gee, if only there was a way for me to suddenly be inspired and work out this equation! Scientist 2: Kids these days and their crazy wishes. Back in my day, we had to work for our inspiration. Sometimes we'd only get two ideas a week. And we were happy about that. Scientist 1: Quiet, pops, just because you lived in a sucky world doesn't mean I can't live in a much better one. Scientist 2: Oh dear, I hadn't thought of that. Damn, I was wrong. May as well be bitter about it. Random person: Hey, did I hear someone say "inspiration"? Scientist 2: That was ages ago. Random person: Sorry, I was in the bathroom. But hey, it sounds like the two of you could use some help from Inspirigun™! Scientist 2: AHH! HE HAS A GUN! ~~~ Several hours later ~~~ Scientist 1: Monkeys, lol Scientist 2: hehehehe

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But wait! (and by wait, what we really mean is, "don't wait") If you order now, we'll throw in the Inspiricannon™ - FREE! The Inspiricannon™ works where the Inspirigun™ doesn't, mostly on the more thickheaded part of humanity. And if you order in the next ten minutes, you'll also get this free Inspiripaper™! Studies show that over ninety percent of ideas happen in or near a bathroom. Increase your chances of sudden inspiration by reading a collection of hand-picked inspirational quotes. Call now, and you'll get it all: The Inspirigun™, Inspiricannon™, and Inspiripaper™, for under twenty dollars! They say you can't put a price on creativity. So that's a $∞ value, just for $1995!

It is somewhat interesting to note that the Inspirigun™ was what eventually led to many philosophers losing their jobs, and ending up on the streets comparing beard sizes in utter boredom. Some estimate that the sheer amount of inspiration caused by the Inspirigun™, Inspiricannon™, and later, the Inspiribomb™, caused the Great Idea Famine of 2038. Humanity had managed to use up an entire two centuries' worth of ideas in a mere few decades. Eventually someone got around to having an idea the proper way - by taking a long bath.

By 2040, ideas were being born through proper means once again - getting mindlessly drunk, smacking one's head into a brick wall, and staying up entirely too late running only on caffeine. Humanity returned to normalcy, and the philosophers got up off the streets and returned to questioning what normalcy really was.