“Yes, I have been called a whore monger before. But, I have been called many things: a prick, egotistical, left-leaning, a drama queen, purple monkey dishwasher -- none of these labels matter to me though, as I know in my heart of hearts that I am the sexiest and most verbose freelance moose gynecologist you will ever meet.”
Next to McDonald's, Uncyclopedia Vandals are currently the greatest evil known to mankind. This site would be a much better place if they would simply disappear, however this is sadly something not likely to happen anytime this century. The less dramatic truth is that Uncyclopedia vandals are too fucking stupid to realize that they're wasting their time and that vandalism will just result someone getting a free edit by reverting it.
Close Encounters of the Vandal Kind
- Sir Splaka: "Look, 4 numbers, never going over 255, this must be an address! Quick, get me a map of Wyoming!"
- Major Banstick: "Well, boys, I reckon this is it - vandalism combat toe to toe with the Uncyclopedia Vandals. Now look, boys, I ain't much of a hand at makin' speeches, but I got a pretty fair idea that something doggone important is goin' on back there. And I got a fair idea the kinda personal emotions that some of you fellas may be thinkin'. Heck, I reckon you wouldn't even be human bein's if you didn't have some pretty strong personal feelin's about vandalism combat. I want you to remember one thing, the folks back home is a-countin' on you and by golly, we ain't about to let 'em down. I tell you something else, if this thing turns out to be half as important as I figure it just might be, I'd say that you're all in line for some important promotions and personal citations when this thing's over with. That goes for ever' last on e of you regardless of your race, color or your creed. Now let's get this thing on the hump - we got some huffin' to do."
Quantum Vandal Theory
- "A vandal cannot observe a page without changing the outcome."
- "Nothing unvandalized exists."
Quotes from famous vandals
"I was bored.....BUT SIX MONTHS!"
"Sometimes vandals just want to be loved...so they vandal shit."
Quotes from famous vandal hunters
"It must be cool because everybody else is doing it."
- - Famine
"Admins assrape idiots near da stupid edits."
"Blocked "User:Vandal" with an expiry time of 7 days (Thanks for picking an appropriate name. I do appreciate that.)"
"BanHammertime! Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh! Oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh! Can't post this!"
"Vandalizing an already weeak article. Please. Try harder."
"Spamverter. Needs to die, but blocking is the only option until the UnDeathRay is operational."
"Oh ho! so it is funny to vandlize, is it? Well, now I vandalize, YOUR FACE!!!"
"Be vewwy vewwy quiet, I'm hunting vandaws."
"Sometimes vanity, sometimes slander, always shit."
"Thank you for your valuable and intelligent contributions. You are an example to us all - of gross stupidity."
"What is this? "Create a stupid page about your retarded friend day"? Go.Away.Now."
- - Codeine
"Since you're so fond of ignoring things on Uncyclopedia, now you can ignore the whole site!"
"PWNED? Today must be Describe Yourself Day."
- - EvilZak
"I'm going to fucking bury those guys, I have done it before, and I will do it again. I'm going to fucking kill the Uncyclopedia Vandals."
- - Steve Ballmer in a bout of vandal rage
Description of J Random Uncyclopedia vandal
About 4'8", 102 lbs, necrosis of the skin, sunken eyes, and shriveled penis. He looks vaguely like a short zombie. Born in outer Vandalvia, he will have a funny accent that should tip you off instantly. He has been seen running around with a keyboard with all the keys except "del", "ctl", and "c" removed.
He prefers to eat frozen burritos, kittens, small children, and uncyclopedia articles. He sometimes selects delicious morsels, but most often he just eats whatever is within click distance. He may eat the same article repeatedly if it grows back, an admin plants a new one, or if it slowly grows funny enough that he cannot resist.
A librarian, the last person to positively identify him, was clobbered with a keyboard after trying to stop his destruction in a library.
If you meet him, consider him armed and dangerous.
- The very first Vandals were quite fond of plundering Rome, often forcing the Roman admins to revert to earlier edits.
- The US Constitution is actually the result of vandalism. The original was much funnier.
- The various towns throughout the United States that are called Vandalia are named after the great Vandalius. Vandalius, among other things, was the founder of the still-popular Christian group called the Evandalists, who used to send out missionaries in the middle of the night to spray-paint crosses under bridges.
- George W. Bush's election to the Presidency in 2000 was actually the result of vandalism.